Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Heart Full Of Pain
Hey all, what's up? Nothing much going on here I really need to get to work on my homework, I need my English done by friday. This sucks, I should really do that instead of sitting here and being bored... My mother thinks I need ten p's because that's what her friend told her (her son goes to Kanesville). I told her I didn't know anything about that, and we got into a huge fight over who's right. I can't believe she would take second hand information from her friend then first hand information from her daughter. I was told by the counsoler and the principal that I only need five. I hate it when she doesn't listen to me. Actually, I just hate her period.

I don't really have much to talk about so I'll talk to you all later.

8 Days Until Summer Vacation!
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Monday, May 15, 2006

I'm Fat and I'm Ugly And Proud, So Fuck You.
10 days until summer vacation!!
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Sunday, May 14, 2006

Inside My Shell I'll Wait And Bleed
Hey all. What's up? Nothing much here. Sorry I haven't updated the last couple days. I just didn't have anything really to say. I still don't actually. I keep finding a loss for words.

I have a test I'm going to be taking tomorrow. I'm finally probably going to be getting my third P. I also have to type out my essays for my history class and I'll get my P for that class as well. All I have left practically do to is my English and my Math. I should really get off and try to finish those so that I have a week of nothing left to do.

I really badly want to see Alice in Wonderland again. I know I used to have the movie but I have no idea where it is. When you're younger you never really notice that a lot of disney movies are actually very morbid and strange. Or any children's movie such as Nightmare Before Christmas. I've always like those strange morbid shows. I liked Alice in Wonderland, Nightmare Before Chrsitmas, Labyrinth, Beauty and the Beast, Sleeping Beauty, and movies such as that and now I realize how eccentric those movies are. Go figure.

I rented some movies on Friday, but they were two day rentals so I took them back today. The movies were Dr. Dolittle 3, which is surprisingly good, and Tamara. Tamara is about a girl who gets picked on and it ends up in her death, she comes back and seeks revenge on those who killed her. Its from the makers of Final Destination and is very good. I also bought Constantine. I like how in Constantine they protay Lucifer in all white ^_^

Happy Mother's day to all of those who are celebrating. My grandmother got my mom a digital camera and said it was from me. I'm so happy she got one, I've been dying to get a real digital camera. I'm probably going to use it more than she will. The rest of the family got my grandmother (It was actually just me and my aunt who bought it) a pair of white pants, a green and white shirt and a navy blue shirt to go with it. We also bought her earrings and a couple rings. She really like it. While we were shopping I was taking care of my little cousin, who is nine months. Well I went off by myself with him to go find my grandmother who had gone to Barnes & Noble. When I got there I couldn't find my grandmother (she had gone out to the car) and some girls from Lewis Central were there, Alicia and Jennifer with some of there friends. I think they might of gotten the wrong idea because I was there by myself with a nine month baby. I bet they thought he was mine... I mean they have every right to think so, I left Lewis Central without telling anyone and about three months later they see me with a baby. God this is so ruining my image.

11 days until summer vacation
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Thursday, May 11, 2006

I Knew I Was Always A Mistake
The Official Compliment Meme

One little compliment can make you feel amazing. So give me a compliment, anything in the entire world, even that my shoelaces are pretty. Put this in your journal. And once you get some comments, put that entry in a memory or tag and when you are feeling down, just go to that entry and this will remind how great you are.

14 days of school left.
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Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Falling Feels Like Falling Until You Hit The Ground
I hate having sudden bursts of sadness. I feel so bad... I just want to crawl into a hole and die, again. I hate my life and I hate how I can't vent my anger with my knife. I can only set it down and stare at it and hope that I don't grab it out of insanity. I feel so alone and so unwanted. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to cut, I just want to vent. And I can't vent because the way I do isn't 'healthy'. Whatever you say, I think it's just hunky-dory. I can't cry even though I want to. I just don't feel like I have anymore tears to shed. I wonder sometimes if I cut myself will I bleed? If I open my mouth will I be able to scream? I feel mute and deaf. I could talk and talk and yet no one would ever hear me. I could scream and scream and scream but I wouldn't be able to hear my cries. I feel the only way I will ever get out of this funk is by dying. I've tried everything else. I've tried writing, I've tried talking it out, I've tried everything. But the only thing that ever feels right is hurting myself. I can't help it if I'm a bit masocistic... I can't help it that the sign of my own blood brings me happiness and serenity. All I ever wanted was to cut myself one more time and time again. Even if I stop the pain doesn't stop. I feel it all the time, my wrists throb with the pain of old wounds. It drives me crazy... I feel the blood flowing down my arms... And I can't do anything about it... I feel the sting water going into my fresh cuts as I cleanse them. I take good care of my cuts... I saw this avatar it says "The cuts in my skin are deep, but the cuts in my heart are deeper." I feel as if I can relate to that avatar. Maybe the reason why I get these pains of sadness is because my heart has almost done everything except for stop beating. Which sometimes I wish would happen, I truly wish it would happen. I don't care about those who would be sad... because no matter what their pain is, it'll go away, but this pain stays with me forever. And the longer I live with it the deep the pain gets.

15 days of school left

Yippy... like I really care anymore. What am I going to do during the summer? Summer always sucks besides the fact I won't have to be in school. I mean all it really is is three months of isolation because people don't care about what happens to Amber. No one ever cares what happens to Amber...

Watch me down a bottle of windex.
Falling feels like flying until you hit the ground.
Each exhaled breath feels like a silent scream
I'm holding onto a dream that won't come true.
Next time I'll cut a little deeper, make the rope a little tighter, and pull the trigger a little faster.
Suicide has me by the hand and for some reason it feels so right.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
fading away.
Her precious suicide
She wants to hear she's beautiful.
Goodbye Cruel World.
You tell me not to frown, I say I've forgotten how to smile.
So here's to teenage romance and not knowing why it hurts like hell.
I wish I could forget you as easily as you have forgotten me.
Can't you see what it's doing to me?
Forget.
Forget the pain.
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.
The pain of letting go.
It looks like I'm losing this fight.
And you feel like you can't face the day.
Always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive.
When I snap you'll be the first to go.
Have you ever seen the rain?
You did this to me.
I will die alone.
Hate.
I hope you choke.
I'm fine. Fucked up, Insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Just fine.
I hate me.
I'm such a mistake.
Eternity Awaits.
I hide my feelings behind a smile.
I am so tired of being here.
I love you is eight letters, so is bullshit.
And he looked through me as if I wasn't there.
The cuts in my skin are deep, but the cuts in my heart are deeper.
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Monday, May 8, 2006

Hey all? What's up? Nothing going on here. I've been really bored lately. Not much to talk about except. BLAH!

17 DAYS UNTIL SUMMER VACATION!

14 days not counting weekends
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Sunday, May 7, 2006

18 DAYS UNTIL SUMMER VACATION!

14 not counting weekends
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Saturday, May 6, 2006

She's A Time Bomb, With Her Vibe On
I have nothing to say except...

19 DAYS UNTIL SUMMER VACATION!

14 NOT COUNTING WEEKENDS
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Friday, May 5, 2006

MMM Emo M&N's
Hey what's up? Nothing too much going on here. I'm eating M&N's. They're cool because they're not in all those cheery colors. They're Crimson, black, dark blue, light purple, and gray. They must be emo M&N's. They rock. I also think they're dark chocolate. Oh well, I'm just gonna eat them... You know M&N's have no reason to be happy. It's not like their lifes are too good. They get suffocated by a bag, handled by hands that has unsure history of where they've been, then they're bitten to death. And the worse thing, they'll become poo. ^_^ I would hate to live the life of an M&N.

I'm close to getting another P. I can't wait. I can't wait for Wednesday, we're going to go to the garden place and I can't wait to take some pictures. I actually love taking pictures. I am always taking them. I'm still waiting for mine to be developed from when I went to the zoo and from just the camera sitting in the house. I really want a digital camera. We're going to be able to use Digital cameras when we go. I'm sort of hoping they let us take them home after the garden place.

I was giving my permission slip to my teacher who was in the hallway and my Science teacher was out there and I happen to have a hole in the back of my hoodie and he was like "You have a hole in your hoodie." and I said "I know." then he was talking about how I only dress in black, by the way, his nickname for me is Dark Child, lol. And he was like "If you come to school in a pair of jeans and a nice hoodie I'll give you a P." I was like "Seriously?" and another teacher was like "You know Mike is a kidder." I would of done it if it were for a P. Then I was like "Well I wore a pair of jeans yesterday." and he must of not been paying attention because he said he must of missed it. I was like, oh well, you'll live. Then I went to class.

Well I am done, I'll talk to you all later! Hope you all have good days, bye!
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Thursday, May 4, 2006

Pick Up The Pace
Well its time again to update my journal. I barely have anything to talk about... hm.. -thinks- Oh yeah I was confusing myself about when school gets over. They're counting down school days which today would be 17 days, but really we actually have about 21 days. I'll count down with the 21.

21 days until summer!

Okay... I got my schedule changed. I like this one better than what it used to be. I all ready handed in two things and I all ready have two P's. Three more to go for the five. I'm so good ^_^

We're having chicken for supper. We're painting the new house now. Which reminds me, I was painting the walls and I got white paint on my favorite black Samurai Champloo hoodie. I was devistated because only some of it actually came out when I washed it. But I guess that's okay. My mother is going to throw it away soon anyway, because it looks like someone got knife happy and went to town on my hoodie. It has seen better days U.U

Welp... I'm done. Talk to you all later.
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