Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Falling Feels Like Falling Until You Hit The Ground
I hate having sudden bursts of sadness. I feel so bad... I just want to crawl into a hole and die, again. I hate my life and I hate how I can't vent my anger with my knife. I can only set it down and stare at it and hope that I don't grab it out of insanity. I feel so alone and so unwanted. I don't even know what to think anymore. I want to cry, I want to scream, I want to cut, I just want to vent. And I can't vent because the way I do isn't 'healthy'. Whatever you say, I think it's just hunky-dory. I can't cry even though I want to. I just don't feel like I have anymore tears to shed. I wonder sometimes if I cut myself will I bleed? If I open my mouth will I be able to scream? I feel mute and deaf. I could talk and talk and yet no one would ever hear me. I could scream and scream and scream but I wouldn't be able to hear my cries. I feel the only way I will ever get out of this funk is by dying. I've tried everything else. I've tried writing, I've tried talking it out, I've tried everything. But the only thing that ever feels right is hurting myself. I can't help it if I'm a bit masocistic... I can't help it that the sign of my own blood brings me happiness and serenity. All I ever wanted was to cut myself one more time and time again. Even if I stop the pain doesn't stop. I feel it all the time, my wrists throb with the pain of old wounds. It drives me crazy... I feel the blood flowing down my arms... And I can't do anything about it... I feel the sting water going into my fresh cuts as I cleanse them. I take good care of my cuts... I saw this avatar it says "The cuts in my skin are deep, but the cuts in my heart are deeper." I feel as if I can relate to that avatar. Maybe the reason why I get these pains of sadness is because my heart has almost done everything except for stop beating. Which sometimes I wish would happen, I truly wish it would happen. I don't care about those who would be sad... because no matter what their pain is, it'll go away, but this pain stays with me forever. And the longer I live with it the deep the pain gets.

15 days of school left

Yippy... like I really care anymore. What am I going to do during the summer? Summer always sucks besides the fact I won't have to be in school. I mean all it really is is three months of isolation because people don't care about what happens to Amber. No one ever cares what happens to Amber...

Watch me down a bottle of windex.
Falling feels like flying until you hit the ground.
Each exhaled breath feels like a silent scream
I'm holding onto a dream that won't come true.
Next time I'll cut a little deeper, make the rope a little tighter, and pull the trigger a little faster.
Suicide has me by the hand and for some reason it feels so right.
Life isn't passing me by, it's trying to run me over.
fading away.
Her precious suicide
She wants to hear she's beautiful.
Goodbye Cruel World.
You tell me not to frown, I say I've forgotten how to smile.
So here's to teenage romance and not knowing why it hurts like hell.
I wish I could forget you as easily as you have forgotten me.
Can't you see what it's doing to me?
Forget.
Forget the pain.
Everything looks perfect from far away.
Pain doesn't hurt when it's all you've ever felt.
The pain of letting go.
It looks like I'm losing this fight.
And you feel like you can't face the day.
Always preaching not to be numb, when that's how you thrive.
When I snap you'll be the first to go.
Have you ever seen the rain?
You did this to me.
I will die alone.
Hate.
I hope you choke.
I'm fine. Fucked up, Insecure, neurotic, and emotional. Just fine.
I hate me.
I'm such a mistake.
Eternity Awaits.
I hide my feelings behind a smile.
I am so tired of being here.
I love you is eight letters, so is bullshit.
And he looked through me as if I wasn't there.
The cuts in my skin are deep, but the cuts in my heart are deeper.
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