Thursday, September 1, 2005

   -
school for the last two weeks, blah blah blah, homework, blah blah blah. i need to talk to my friend about a certain message she left on my cellphone.
man.. too many people have got this depressment problem. and y'know, it doesnt get to some people, but i used to be depressed all the time too, k? and my problem wasnt my fault, like some other people. just one night at my friends house, all the sudden, i got stuck with that and the first time it was so overwhelming, i mean, i had to go home. if you've never really had a depressment problem and it didnt kick in on you all at once one time, then you couldnt imagine it.its like everythings caving in on you, like nothing alive that can help you is there, your alone and the person next to you isnt really there, and theres no one there, all you want is to be alone to stop the pain, when your alone it feels like the only time your ok. but ive been getting over it for the past.. what, three years? gradually. and im about rid of it, but when someone else is depressed ALLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL the time then y'know, its gonna kick back in. i hate that, i wish some people could see the good side of stuff, y'know? it'd sure help other people. well anyway, my friend robyn, ive got this problem ive been worried about her lately cuz she likes karate but her mom is too LAZEY to take her. in fact, i got so mad when jenny told me robyns mom didnt take her to school that morning cuz she didnt feel like it. im like "she didnt take her to school because.. she didnt.. FEEL like it?????" i kept saying that, i mean, geez, cuz she didnt FEEL like it?! some people are so stupid..
Today, for the first time, my mom actually gave me a real smile. people give you fake smiles all the time, but you can tell when its real. because.. i was talking about robyn and her mom and my mom said "and what gives you the right to say that when you dont want to go to school either?" and i said "because, well, atleast ive got parents that care enough to take me to school, even if its against my will, which you HAVE been doing for the past 8 years, but i think parents have to take their kids to school against their will until they realize going to school is the right thing to do, but its kinda weird even though i know its the right thing to do, i still dont wanna go, so..i guess you'll just have to keep taking me, because you love me and thats why you do it." and she smiled, because i finally got it.. its kinda a moment you look back and smile too.
But im so sore and my throats sore and the guy i was grappling he put a big bruise and scar on my arm!!!! >< *whines* i dont wanna go to school tomorow. oh!! the grappling match!! lemme tell you guys!!
ok we started off in the arm lock or whatever and then mrs.kim shouted... "go!" and he went to the side and i went fast into the other. then i thought.. id try to use his weight against him lol. and i slammed him onto the floor, he wasnt expecting it ^^ and i thought hm.. that worked. lets try it again. he wasnt expecting it the second time, he was pushing on one side, i let him, and slammed him into the floor again. and i got off him once, and he was behind me, but just hanging there, and somehow i ended up getting him in the side mount, and the headlock or something. i won.. but atleast he tried, y'know? so i didnt ever pick on him. ON THE OTHER HAND.. god.. this one kid was so annoying, hes got a crush on me, and he tries to show off. he was talking the whole time about "aw man, he bent my leg this way and its like *makes a crack sound* man.. that hurt" he kept trying to act "manly" it was so stupid lol especially coming from a guy that looked like him and talked too much. its so obvious.. im like "uh-huh.." and sorta ignored him. if a guy gets hurt, yeah, ill be concerned, but if they're showin' off, its obvious they arent that hurt. but that kid was just annoying, why do all the annoying guys like me at karate class? and they always try to get me to pay attention to them in such a stupid way, thats why i dont like them. its probably just cuz im so good at grappling.. ^^ ok im bragging maybe. i just like to try stuff out if the guys not that strong. just so happens, it looks good. lol well im heading to bed, night ya guys
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Friday, August 26, 2005

!
FRIDAY/11!!!!!!! FINALLY!!!!!
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

   whats been going on
well, for some reason.. im not having as much fun at karate class. i guess maybe its because its not all dodgeball and stuff and were starting to learn tiger forms.. and its kinda been quiet lately. other than sometimes when i get a good challenge or something i like.. maybe sparring.. but other than that.. its just not as fun. i definitly dont wanna stop because if i do ill get all depressed and stuff cuz ill miss it. but im just saying, it seems less fun lately. maybe its cuz of this other thing ive gotten paranoid about, but anyway, i got to talk to mr.peyton oh and i learned.. er.. listening to opera makes you smarter! lol -ok back to karate. I GUESS cuz lately it feels like its been just alot of work and no play.. yeah.. that actually sounds right. ive got all this stuff to worry about, chores, homework, SCHOOL, being in the black belt club and-.... thats it. thats why karate hasnt been as fun lately. because im in the black belt club, and i feel like all this stuff is expected of me and when i try to have a little fun, i end up accidentally forgetting something or doing something i enjoy and i end up getting in trouble, and so i dont have fun as much as i used to, i guess.. dads been throwing threats left and right "your not gonna be in the black belt club if you dont start the school year off right!" im sick of it.. yeah.. thats it. i love being in the black belt club but ever since dad started throwing those threats at me its been more of a problem to me than a good thing..
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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

   latest news as usual
well, you all probably know school started. er.. well, for the ones in s.c. it did. weve been in school since monday, thats two days.. and its allready kinda sorta.. no offense.. looking boring. ive got a bad feeling, other than the teachers are better this year, that its gonna be hard to make good grades. guess what were starting off with this year in science. ASTRONOMY. i didnt even know what that was, all i knew was ive heard that word, and the word "planet" used in the same sentence before. i know about it now, but i didnt know two days ago. atleast theres one good thing, ive got jessica in two of my classes, shes fun to be with. shes almost always in a cheery mood in a way that makes you laugh and have fun too, cuz shes perverted and doesnt care who hears lol so shes not TOO happy and shes not too unhappy either. fun person to be with, and it makes up for some of the stuff i go through, like my parents, or my sister, or other friends or frustrating stuff in class. oh and amber.. *points her finger at amber* my phone starting vibrating in class yesterday. you wanna know who that was? lol
ANYWAY i havent had one of those breakdowns where i feel like hitting something till i hear a crash or a boom yet in school >< lol im suprised. but sometimes thinking about everything ive got coming to me, gets to me, y'know..? like earlier after.. well, after karate class, all that happened was i just didnt get a wave goodbye from mr.peyton, and i sorta was all quiet later. this might not make sense, or even might be stupid, but sometimes i mean.. i dunno.. maybe my pride's gone up over the summer, but at karate class sometimes, if i dont get a smile or word of encourgement or pat on the back or something that means something from someone that matters then.. sometimes i fall apart. thats the best way i can describe it. because i usually dont get the smiles that say "im so proud of you" anywhere else. like sometimes, if i go into karate class, do the class, and walk out without any word from the teachers, it might be a kinda depressing day. i dunno..
Anyway, its late for a school night, im gonna go to bed. ugh.. there was this big cockroach in my room.. i TOLD my mom she wouldnt get it with the fly swater, that it'd run under something quickly..and guess what happened?
yeah.. so im stuck on the couch in the computer room. night-
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Friday, August 19, 2005

   -
today i spent the whole day with jessica, at a party at school. we got our classes, even though none of the teachers were there, we hung out in the courtyard where the party was, got something to eat, had a buncha girls come up to us screaming and asking if we had any of the same classes. lol the guys probably looked all weird when we did that.. almost all the girls did. we got stuff to eat, and.. pretty much the whole time tried to find the pervertedness in everything. and Jessica did the kareoke (sp) , first of all, i woulda never had the courage to go up there so i gave her my courage bracelet we got at the front lol and the sang perfect, by simple plan. it was funny the guy that played the songs was saying "right-here! jump!" and he was jumping up and down like crazy and jessica just jumped and little that time and threw her hand up and started singing the rock part of the song. she kept jumping up everytime it started up with the chorus. i clapped as loud as i could when she got done i was like "clap, people!" to our friends. no one ever clapped after people up there were singing , not
for the people before us either. i might sing sometimes when im alone.. im the type that sings songs good if they arent really fast like rap, i can sing.. um.. songs like the beggining song from darkcloud2. thats a game. or that song by this black girl called "we belong together". stuff like that. but only when im alone.. anyway, yeah, im still mad at you-know-who. and kinda mad that now my hands bruised.. -oh - NO he didnt do that.. he'd never do anything like that. i sorta got mad and.. punched the.. *mumbles* cmp screen.. anyway, kevin, if your reading this, what happened was earlier.. i CARED about you. thats why i said what i said at first. but when i started fighting back.. i just got mad. i get mad too. but oh well, im paying for getting mad now, my hand hurts like hell if i punch anything lol

ask amber even.. kevin, theres one thing i never really talked to you about, up until lately when weve had talks about it maybe. lol.. in case you didnt know, i guess.. lately ive been trying so hard to prove to someone a girl can beat a guy and.. i feel likes its so unfair to judge all girls.. i wasnt naturally strong, and so you know.. i had to work twice as hard to beat some guys. even though some girls may not be naturally strong some girls may be a natural at sports. meaning.. they just like to work for things they love to do. i hope you can understand this.. i trained for like.. i dont know how long, a year, two years maybe to get to where i am.. i just hate it when guys dont have respect for stronger girls. girls can be strong too. how do you think we put up with kids? and we put up with.. well alot of stuff, you know.. we get scared sometimes even if we dont show it. or admit it. my point is.. well.. id never admit it otherwise, but when i got mad back there.. i dunno, maybe, *sigh* maybe a part of me.. sorta.. kinda got hurt by that comment. but i never cried! not once, not this time. i havent cried since you said that thing about its what girls do. because.. man, i just hate it when guys do that, thats why i try to be the way i am. maybe i wouldnt get pushed so much if it werent for some guys. when i get mad, i train. i try not to think about stuff. i just get rid of it that way. and so ill just ask again.. why do guys have to be that way..? its not fair to judge someone.. i know i said it before, i thought this time maybe.. just that maybe you'd listen.
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Thursday, August 18, 2005

   --
im kinda mad at someone right now.. i wont name names. and no, not you amber. but dont expect me to get on aim anymore, schools coming up anyway. and i just dont feel like trying to get on aim anymore. (so this is mainly just a letter to you, amber) you-know-who, we had a fight tonight. i wont say about what, since this is on a website. ill talk to you about it , call me. but anyway.. i got mad enough after he signed off, to.. WHICH i will also say what happened , on the phone instead. but dont worry, i didnt cry this time. of course i wouldnt, not anymore. anyway, g2g later
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   -
hey i know no one reads this, but does anyone have any good advice, and anything to help bruised knuckles? thanx if you do read this, if you dont.. well no one barely reads this anyway
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   -
im sorta depressed.. i miss my other teachers, the ones that i like better. i hate the fact that today, besides mr.stephen who i dont talk to much, all the good teachers werent there.. atleast the ones that can make me smile. the only person there that made any difference was mary.. i wonder why i used to talk to mr.stephen and wave goodbye and everything and now i dont. well.. anyway.. i havent seen mr.peyton all week, and mr.evans out of town to fight in the match down at orlando. i havent seen mrs.kim in a while either. and mr.T wasnt here today. other than meetings.. i never talk to mrs.T really.. shes always seemed to be looking at someone else or looking down at some paper shes working on. seems like.. well, you know if no one really says hey to you, your sorta depressed.. some guy in my class said good work when i was the last one in the dodgeball thing, but.. i dunno, it'd mean more to me if it was mr.peyton or mr.T saying it.. and this parts stupid, but it feels like its been forever since ive seen mr.peyton and when i felt like there was a lump in my throat i tried to force it back because i remembered what kev said about girls crying.. and its what they do. and i wanted to prove him wrong.. you know how stubborn i can be. maybe its just a depressing day.. but the last two days have been discouraging.. i expected a nunchakus lesson yesterday but we didnt have one and my cousin didnt go to his karate class cuz he didnt "feel like it".. and it was a quiet day when i walked out of there.. maybe its because not many people are paying me attention? besides my friends. sure, some guys will always pay attention, if your a girl.. but that doesnt help raise my spirits. especially with the fact mr.peyton and mrs.kim are gone. because mr.peyton.. i dunno it seems like hes been there for me ever since the beggining. he shows it all the time, that he sees something in me. he'll always high five me or give me a pat on the back. upstate karate isnt the same thing without him, he always has a warm smile, its true on the page about him. and mrs.kim.. she cares about me. maybe even like a mom would. when i got the breath knocked out of me in sparring, some guy just smiled when i walked by and i would've gave him a glare but i didnt really care then. but a lady came back i didnt even know, and she asked if i was ok.. and mrs.kim was back there trying to figure out how bad it was and had me wash my arms off and my face. she had a warm smile that showed she was proud of me when i got my blue belt. and when i held a horse stance longer than the adults and black belts in kata class. so those two, especially, i can tell care about me. and they'd wave back if i waved at them. they just make me smile.. mr.stephen makes me laugh. and sometimes he'll hug all the girls. sometimes.. it gets annoying. how this one teacher, mr.jhon, always seems to have 5 or 6 girls around him listening to stories or whatever. and alot of the people that dont pay him attention, he doesnt pay attention to. its one thing, i dont like playing the hearty-eyed stupid pet dog role i HATE that. any girl that comes in its like shes just another pet dog to surround him. ok.. had to get that out.. i just hate it when theres some stupid guy that always seems to have girls flocking to him just cuz hes either cute or something and he can just do whatever he wants with them.

ok i went to far with that..
anyway.

i really really need some person to talk to.. someone that can say things i can take to heart or take as something meaningful. and another thing, i hate it when people just say stuff that doesnt even help or give you comfort in the least bit "im sorry but i dont know.." first of all, the sorry and.. *growls* sorry. s-o-r-r-y. im gonna go crazy if i hear it one more time. and!! if someones always depressed!! i mean, cant they realize that their depression all the time, brings other people down. and they might not really need to be braught down, they might have karate and school and things to have a determined attitude about!!! *fumes* ok.. im better now.. but i still miss my teachers. i need them now, and they arent here. and now.. ive got a four day time without them. and whats up with this thing? my friends, both the ones i knew online, it was so great *laughs* they were gonna come to s.c. first, amber was coming on sunday. then kev was coming monday. and first kev canceled cuz he couldnt come and then amber did cuz of the weather. i mean, geez.. its like, "well there goes any good news of school starting".............. IM SICK OF HEARING SORRY!!sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry!!! man im gonna lose my head!! *fumes again* if i hear sory one more time--!!!!!!!! *takes a deep breath* i need some sleep...
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Wednesday, August 17, 2005

   -
its kinda one of those quiet weird spacey days for me.. im worried about talking to kev.. i wonder if hes mad. well.. i think id feel better if mr.peyton was here. i think hes on vacation. i havent seen him all week. if he was at a match, it would've announced it and i always look at the website. so maybe he is. ill ask tomorow. i think all i need is just a talk with mr.peyton, maybe five minutes.. he always helps. - im gonna write about school, ok? its been bugging me.. its so close. its monday, and today is wednsday.. im not ready.. atleast.. its bugging the crap out of me, not knowing if i can make a's and b's. i want to so bad.. i hope im not gonna be lazey with homework. i guess i just have to want to. but it doesnt feel like it'll be just that easy. i wanna be able to do my chores.. i want to.. really badley.. have a teacher to talk to about karate. that understands. and i want so bad.. to talk to mr.peyton about some of these things. but i can never get into that stuff with him. and im worried that ill make him late for.. another class or something. "i want so bad to.." thats what alot of things are like in my head but im afraid about school especially, will i be able to maintain those grades, while with everything in karate, and my chores and.. friend and boyfriend problems too.. i really hope i can manage it, i mean.. for my parents. and my friends. and my family at upstate karate. i think.. for that reason.. i will. i just need them to back me up and determine me. thats really all i need..
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   ^^ the smiley says it all
Today at class, i got my num-chucks (which are called nunchaku's) and into class they asked "ok who braught their nunchakus?" and i sorta stood there for a sec not hearing him and i realized he said nunchakus and i was like
"--me!!" and my hand shot in the air lol and when mr.T saw it was just me he was teaching he said "allright" and it was the way he said in that was funny , more like "allrigghhhtt".but anyway, it was cool working one on one with him. i admit, i was kinda worried about it but i learned more and i hope i get to work one on one with him more, its cool. at one point after he showed me a small technique with the nunchakus, he said "and then you do this" and he did all this stuff with them spun'em over his shoulder, around him oround his head.. then he stopped and looked at me and i stood there thinking "..now you want ME to do that?" with a look like this o.o lol he just laughed. he was kidding. but it woulda been cool to learn that >> actually. just as soon as i get the first two moves down. he told me to practice them a hundred times and i said yes sir. (ive gotten in the habbit of saying yes sir and mam a LOT more lately. even my parents) ive allready practiced it, 100 times, like he said, if you make a mistake it doesnt count. now im onto doing it without holding it to my leg, and just going straight to the second thing just letting it go off my leg.then you aim like your hitting someone in the head and spin it back to the original position. -- my grandma, she was talking about mr.T and her had talked. i was so happy, what he'd said. one thing i like about mr.T is he treats girls with respect. not enough guys treat girls that way in life. but anyway, he said maybe one day, who knows, maybe id have my own school. im not quite sure about that.. but i kind of hope so. for right now, i just want to learn all i can about karate.. i think my family and especially upstate karate determines me to do alot of things. oh, it was funny.. earlier today, not to be bragging, but i was doing crunches and i finished way before everyone. i only started to have difficulty at 90. everyone else was struggling by 50, but maybe it was mr.jhons boney butt on my feet lol my feet still hurt >-> anyway, its not like that hasnt happened before. once we were doing half pushups and mr.peyton was saying "man, erin, your whiping them out" i finished in half the time of everyone else. maybe less.. but i couldnt see why it was so hard. the first time i actually thought i did it wrong, but i didnt. some of these people are such wimps -.- i cant believe they cant do half pushups, they were so easy and we only did 50. AND WE GRAPPLED!! OH YEAH! my strong point. except ive been getting more into the faster moves instead of putting more muscle into it. cuz of sparring, y'know. gotta move fast or your dead. i still havent forgotten how hard that one grappling match was against mary. i think shes been slacking lately, though. been complaining about class. --999 well i know my pages are probably boring to some of you people that arent intrested in me, but its an online journal, so who cares, its mine to write whatever i want in. as long as it helps me write what i feel that day, y'know.. you dont have to read it. anyway, im gonna read, then go to bed hopefully ill have a better night that last night and nothing bad will happen. going to sleep at 10 or 11, night.
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