Tuesday, August 16, 2005

   ..
i keep yawning but i cant sleep. i tried to sleep, i closed my eyes for a long time but i never could sleep even with relaxing music. maybe somethings bothering me.. i thought it was a gut feeling so i stayed up. amber ended up calling. i thought maybe that was why but she just wanted to talk. then i waited for kevin to sign on, except all that did was make it worse. for some reason, i feel like we had a fight even though we just didnt agree on something. i got frustrated because he would never give me his adress, number, and he had just told me they canceled their trip down here to s.c. and he couldnt call me either, so how was i supposed to get in contact with him other than online? i hate just only seeing what he types. i wanna hear his voice, i wanna see him in front of me. its not enough just to see what he types and says, its like a book without any pictures at all.. not even the front cover. you dont like the fact you cant see the picture in your head very good. something like that. i admit, i got sort of mad back there when he either got kicked off or signed off purposely. maybe that was why i couldnt sleep. i got frustrated and wondered why i even stayed up. id felt like i was missing something important and i stayed up but it made things worse.. man, some stupid gut feeling.. im never listening to it again. next time im just staying in bed. now its 2am and i have to wake up tomorow. if i dont, im gonna kill myself, cuz then i wont go to karate class. so, im leaving, and ill deal with still being mad and frustrated later.. im just trying to listen to music right now.but all the songs are about love or someone missing someone else.. dammit.. i hate it..im going to bed
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Monday, August 15, 2005

   latest news again
i miss my boyfriend.. whoa.. sounds weird saying that lol i guess hes my boyfriend. i havent had a boyfriend in over a year, guess i didnt want anything to do with it since the last one i had. but i wont get into discussion with that, anyway, since hes not reading this.. i miss him >< you know its the weirdest thing when you have mixed up dreams about your boyfriend, and things to do with karate. remember that one dream i had with karate camp? mr.peyton was there helping out with the kids and mr.stephen was making all the kids shout to make him jump in the pool, shouting "jump! jump!" and a weird part of the dream like i said before in a previous post.. and the dreams about my.. boyfriend im not going to say anything about some but there were ones where once he had run away from home and he had somehow cut his arm and i braught him up to my room and put a bandage over it and.. that was something i sort of liked, him being there in my room and we could be together. but anyway- i guess this is a journal but i keep reminding myself its an online journal that anyone can read. but.. i guess i can say one thing that ment alot to me.. y'know, ive never kissed a guy before. the guy i liked was either too shy or we never got to it, like my last boyfriend, i dumped him before we even went out cuz of reasons.. im still mad at him. but im glad his sister told me, cuz who knows what might have happened, going over to his house.. i remember having nightmares when i thought about what might have happened, if i spent the night at her house and he was there. anyway- ive got a lot nicer boyfriend now and i trust him way more. but about the never having kissed a guy.. i think.. maybe he would.. when he comes over.. - nevermind. but see, this is what its been like for me, i always have a dream either about worrying with something to do with school, or some kind of dream with karate, or a dream about kevin. (yes his name) im so screwed up about this love stuff, and i know he is too, when we talk about stuff he shows it, but he does love me i can tell that too. i try not to show i am.. but i have a few problems that i know are bugging me. my mom and sister have asked what i wanna do with my life, if im gonna get married and have kids and everything, but i definitly have problems with having kids. me? me having kids? i just dont see it. i like karate so much, and.. for some reason, having a family.. i just dont like the idea. that might mean i have to give it up. my whole dream that has me dedicated to it. of course.. i want kevin too. but later on.. i just dont know. and marriage.. for some reason, i think marrying would too.. i just dont know, i told you im screwed up with this love stuff. but im only 13, gotta keep that in mind. almost 14.. in two months about. but anyway.. i dont need to be worrying about that stuff, when theres nothing i can do about it right now. thats a long ways away. ill cross that bridge when i come to it. - anyway, this week is nunchaku's lessons. its every week right after pre-test. we practice with mr.T with nunchaku's it'll be so cool! anyway, buh-bye cya whenever ^^ tomorow im going with my grandma and 5-year old cousin and hes got karate too. 6:15. mines at 5:30. cya
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   latest news
the usual around here, except for that school starts in a week. i just now finished harry potter which was one of my summer reading things and now i have to read some book called "tears of a tiger" and i dont even know where it is, we got it, but i lost it. we FINALLY went shopping last week though, we went to the mall so we spent all our money there. i got.. lets see.. one two three four.. about four pairs of jeans and.. some shirts for winter, but not that many good ones. i think ill go to some cheap used clothes store for winter clothes cuz we ran mom broke of extra money >> lol atleast ive got some jeans, im ok on shirts for right now. for a few months.. till it starts getting cold.. ill just wear a jacket till i get to buy winter clothes. anyway, enough of that, the only good thing about school starting is ill be occupied. man, ill be more than occupied. and that theres parents night out too, thats where the parents drop their kids off at upstate karate, and we stay there for about 4 or 5 hours. im so happy to have those days back. im going to the first one. as long as some of my friends go. and happy to get off the computer, ive been so bored thats about all i do if the computers working, atleast now i wont be sitting in bed all day sometimes. ill be sitting in a chair.. -_-.. studying my brains out.. wow that sounds better *sarcastic voice*
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Friday, August 12, 2005

   ....
well.. i guess ive had an intresting 24 hours >< .. i was up all night trying to catch up to the page i had said earlier that i was on. i told my dad i was a little over half way through with one of my summer reading books, i stayed up till 5am reading. i got through 100 pages or more. after that i.. sorta started closing my eyes and then y'know its like this " *reading* ..*starts closing her eyes*..... *jerks back awake and reading again*... *starts closing her eyes* ......" lol i can stay awake right now, in fact, its like i didnt even miss a wink of sleep i bet its cuz of all this sleeping in over the summer. oh well, atleast i got some reading done. i cant wait to go to sleep tonight though.. as long as i dont think of anything warm or soothing im fine. oh wait i dont need to worry, thats not what my life is like -.- of course, no soothing moments. in between worrying about responsibilities and going to karate classes and worrying about school and reading books and having family talks about the family being in a fight, im either fighting with my sister or my dads talking to me about some attitude problem. *sigh* atleast ive got some friends at upstate karate that help. the teachers too. i think ill stop worrying when i get this summer reading over with and school starts and i manage to make a's and b's the first time. its all smooth sailing from there.. except for the frantic schedule ill have. you wanna know what my schedule is gonna be if i make a's and b's the first time, which i will, well here it is:

lunch: normally kids would have 30% lunch 70% talking. me: eat fast and do homework or something after that
bus holding: homework
bus: studying
home: studying or practicing kata
(oh and you'll love the karate schedule. heres the plan for weapons class)
tuesday: kempo
wednsday: weapons class, stay there for the in between hour and do homework, then kempo class.
thursday: kempo
saterday: sparring and kata class
+ black belt club meetings, belt testings (oh and you'll love this too, ive got CHORES at home)
on monday tuesday wednsday thursday, i have chores and saterday a major chore day which is bad for me cuz im tired after sparring and its only 12pm.
oh did i mention i have to make a's and b's? its stupid my dad had us taking this medecine to help us concentrate last year but i wanna go without it this year and the stupid part is, my dad said one slip up and im back on it. dammit i hate depending on medecine, never liked having it if i was gonna get hooked on it. i know i can pull it off, i just have to want to. and i will. it'll be hard, but i want more then anything to stay in karate and to earn it to be in that weapons class, so im gonna study hard. i dont like depending on things when you dont need it and when its not neccesary. but thats just me. anyway better go before i get caught on here, mom might think ive been on here all night and its hard to regain her trust if she thinks i did something like that. im gonna go get some breakfest, i cant hold off on ginger ale all morning. cya, - going to georgia so i wont be posting on here till sunday or saterday, something like that
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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

-
ok, so it flashes you guys, but other than that, i thought it was funny.
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puzzle


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   good mood
lucky you guys im not in a grouchy mood right now, even though i missed karate because i slept in and my mom got onto me and said she wanted me to not go to karate class tonight. ive been practicing star set 7 though.. and still thinking alot about being responsible. and.. about something else of a relationship >> which i will not get into detail cuz its non-of-your-buisness lol ^^ anyways, g2g im gonna lay down for a sec, cya
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   student creed
you wanna hear the student creed? and the black belt principles
k here goes:

Student Creed:
As a dedicated student of the martial arts i am developing myself in a posotive manner and avoiding anything that will reduce my mental growth and my physical health. i am developing self discipline, in order to bring out the best of myself and others. i am using what i learned in class constructively and defensively, to help myself and my fellow man, and never be abusive or efensive.
We are a black belt school , we are motivated we are dedicated , Were on a quest to be our best.
(then the Ooos part.)


Black Belt Principles:
As a dedicated student of the martial arts I will live by the principles of a black belt, modesty , curtesy, integrity, self control, perserverence, and abdomitable spirit.
* teacher asks "whats your goal?"*
answer: black belt excellence sir/mam!
(and usually)
*teacher asks "are you sure?"*
answer: yes sir/mam!

(cant tell you how many times kids have had to do push-ups for saying "yes sir!" when.. our teacher was a girl.)
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   karate and.. something else
by all the "karate" titles ive had you guys probably think im obsessed, if your just reading whats on my site. well i am ^^ ok well anyway, pre-test week was this week. i always get nervous before class and i hate feeling sick to my stomach all the time. its probably just because i mean, an hour before class i start worrying about getting ready, you know, is my uniform washed, is my belt in my room, is my hair ok lol maybe if i just could disapear and reapear at karate then i wouldnt be so nervous from the hour before and when were driving up there. well.. onto bigger news. ive been thinking alot lately.. about being in the black belt club. about all this responsibility and taking the student creed with me wherever i go in life. and maintaining a's and b's in school. and ill be learning tiger forms.. and my mom says id better work my butt off to make a's and b's for the first report card if i wanna be in that bo class. everytime now in a situation.. i always think about what a responsible person would do.. atleast i try to. i used to wanna act weird and just.. have fun and make things more simple but im not sure if i can do that anymore. sure i mean.. with my friends, but.. i cant act immature. i mean, i actually washed the dishes once because i thought id feel guilty if i didnt. scary.. im so worried about the school year, especially. i know if i try hard and all but last year it was hard, now ive got alot of other things on my mind. last year i didnt make a's and b's, and i still had breakdowns like every few months. most of the time if i lose it i just break things.. last time i kicked the excercise bike till something popped out of it lol and once i got really mad at my dad and kicked a chair backwards while he was outside. im usually either happy or spaced, i rarely ever get mad, sometimes kevin tries to get me mad >> lol but really, i dont, unless its just all these little things that build up or something that happens over and over and i get sick of and i get mad and let it out by.. well, breaking things. or in a very violent kata(meaning the punches and kicks would be very violent). or.. i felt sorry for the last girl i grappled when i was agrivated. anyway point is, ive just been spacey about all this responsibility. it feels like someone just dropped something on me to carry and its heavy but i sometimes put it down, wander off and come back later, y'know? thats what im saying i dont think i can put it down anymore.. do you guys get what im saying? oh well, i guess i get deep into this stuff. thats only because i try to understand things, so i can understand myself a little better and be able to get through this.. you know.. in the car, my mom asked me about how i used to wanna be a veterinarian.. because i used to love animals, id see them on the side of the road maybe hurt like.. it was stupid one time i picked up this huge moth. it died and i burried it. kinda stupid.. another time, with this baby chipmunk. i was so happy in the morning when it stretched out in my hand and yawned.. i thought id saved his life. but.. his heart gave out, i guess it just wasnt ment to be. id always wanted to be a veterinarian since id seen animals die and i wanted to prevent that. ive kinda had this love for animals, i can feel they're human like us. i talk to my cat >> and dog. to every animal ive had pretty much. oh i remember this one time it was so sweet ^^ my friends older brother had a soft side for my hermet crabs, and while everyone was holding them, one of their shells broke, and everyone sorta left but us and he held the hermet crab and made sure it was ok and the crab went in a bigger shell ^^ he was happy and so was i and my friend. he was this big tough guy but he had a soft side. i could go on and on so im gonna not bring up more memories lol anyway, i told my mom.. i really loved karate and i wasnt sure about the veterinarian thing and i just didnt know. if it ment giving up karate.. then i wouldnt. she told me, just to do whatever i really wanted to do. just to follow my heart, i think i got that message from her. i think im gonna have a future with karate. i hope so. cuz i cant see any future without some part of it to do with karate.. i dont think ill move from south carolina. i really like upstate karate. one night i was thinking.. what that dojo would be like, without all the teachers there.. mr.peyton.. mr.stephen.. mr.evan, mrs.kim.. mr.T mrs.T.. and all the other people that really make me smile when i think about them and.. i think ive thought of something ^^. i wouldnt like going there.. half as much, if it werent for them.
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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

one, ive been lazing around all week cuz we went to florida and.. not much to do there besides sit around or.. be an idiot by going out on the beach while its pouring and trying to fly a stunt kite like i did. well im sore right now cuz im trying to get in some training before tomorow. you know.. jogging in in place and holding 5 lb things on each hand. >< just a sec ago kevin started picking on me and i wont say about what lol but he got kicked off a sec ago i think. i hope he gets on. well im gonna listen to music, and so.. cant wait till tomorow! ^^^ i can go over and hang out with my 5-year old cousin and then go to upstate karate at 5:30 i cant wait! too bad i cant start weapons class till like a month after school starts so mom and dad can see that im making a's and b's but oh well, ill work my butt off like mom said lol cya guys
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