Wednesday, August 10, 2005

   karate and.. something else
by all the "karate" titles ive had you guys probably think im obsessed, if your just reading whats on my site. well i am ^^ ok well anyway, pre-test week was this week. i always get nervous before class and i hate feeling sick to my stomach all the time. its probably just because i mean, an hour before class i start worrying about getting ready, you know, is my uniform washed, is my belt in my room, is my hair ok lol maybe if i just could disapear and reapear at karate then i wouldnt be so nervous from the hour before and when were driving up there. well.. onto bigger news. ive been thinking alot lately.. about being in the black belt club. about all this responsibility and taking the student creed with me wherever i go in life. and maintaining a's and b's in school. and ill be learning tiger forms.. and my mom says id better work my butt off to make a's and b's for the first report card if i wanna be in that bo class. everytime now in a situation.. i always think about what a responsible person would do.. atleast i try to. i used to wanna act weird and just.. have fun and make things more simple but im not sure if i can do that anymore. sure i mean.. with my friends, but.. i cant act immature. i mean, i actually washed the dishes once because i thought id feel guilty if i didnt. scary.. im so worried about the school year, especially. i know if i try hard and all but last year it was hard, now ive got alot of other things on my mind. last year i didnt make a's and b's, and i still had breakdowns like every few months. most of the time if i lose it i just break things.. last time i kicked the excercise bike till something popped out of it lol and once i got really mad at my dad and kicked a chair backwards while he was outside. im usually either happy or spaced, i rarely ever get mad, sometimes kevin tries to get me mad >> lol but really, i dont, unless its just all these little things that build up or something that happens over and over and i get sick of and i get mad and let it out by.. well, breaking things. or in a very violent kata(meaning the punches and kicks would be very violent). or.. i felt sorry for the last girl i grappled when i was agrivated. anyway point is, ive just been spacey about all this responsibility. it feels like someone just dropped something on me to carry and its heavy but i sometimes put it down, wander off and come back later, y'know? thats what im saying i dont think i can put it down anymore.. do you guys get what im saying? oh well, i guess i get deep into this stuff. thats only because i try to understand things, so i can understand myself a little better and be able to get through this.. you know.. in the car, my mom asked me about how i used to wanna be a veterinarian.. because i used to love animals, id see them on the side of the road maybe hurt like.. it was stupid one time i picked up this huge moth. it died and i burried it. kinda stupid.. another time, with this baby chipmunk. i was so happy in the morning when it stretched out in my hand and yawned.. i thought id saved his life. but.. his heart gave out, i guess it just wasnt ment to be. id always wanted to be a veterinarian since id seen animals die and i wanted to prevent that. ive kinda had this love for animals, i can feel they're human like us. i talk to my cat >> and dog. to every animal ive had pretty much. oh i remember this one time it was so sweet ^^ my friends older brother had a soft side for my hermet crabs, and while everyone was holding them, one of their shells broke, and everyone sorta left but us and he held the hermet crab and made sure it was ok and the crab went in a bigger shell ^^ he was happy and so was i and my friend. he was this big tough guy but he had a soft side. i could go on and on so im gonna not bring up more memories lol anyway, i told my mom.. i really loved karate and i wasnt sure about the veterinarian thing and i just didnt know. if it ment giving up karate.. then i wouldnt. she told me, just to do whatever i really wanted to do. just to follow my heart, i think i got that message from her. i think im gonna have a future with karate. i hope so. cuz i cant see any future without some part of it to do with karate.. i dont think ill move from south carolina. i really like upstate karate. one night i was thinking.. what that dojo would be like, without all the teachers there.. mr.peyton.. mr.stephen.. mr.evan, mrs.kim.. mr.T mrs.T.. and all the other people that really make me smile when i think about them and.. i think ive thought of something ^^. i wouldnt like going there.. half as much, if it werent for them.
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