Wednesday, November 9, 2005

   Sacrifice

Thanks for everyone's input from the question on Monday. I know it was eerie and ominious... This post won't be anything but that and angsty. Any bashing is totally acceptable here. I messed up. Here's what happened... well, the short version. Anyone who wants the whole story, PM me... I've been going through so much stress as most of you know with nursing classes, exams, state tests, money problems... and it's good to have a shoulder to cry on or lean on for support... I have you guys here at the O, I have my friends that I hang out with on the weekends... talking and typing is good... I just needed that to get me through the days. As you guy know about Jason... well... over the past few months I've felt that we've I dunno grown apart in some way. Everything seemed to get more and more frustrating with the trip and making it work... until my days started to get worse. I started fighting with my parents more and more [about him], I couldn't sleep b/c I was worried about school and spending time studying, I cried every single day. Little things like spilling my soda made me burst into tears... A short time ago I re-kindled a friendship with a sort of ex-crush. He, me and all of our friends have a great time together. And we're just strictly friends. Period. But, I want to say 3 days after Halloween during a jam session [they play guitars] I just started crying! So me and my ex-crush started talking. I basically vented everything at him and just cried and cried... He told me that unless I was happy, I couldn't do things for myself, help out with home, or make anyone else happy. I needed to sacrifice certain things now in order to succeed in the future. Love is the most important thing in the WHOLE WORLD to me. But it isn't a priority right now... Sunday night, early Monday morning we all hung out again: played piano [horribly], guitar, watched football, read Dave Barry in the paper [last Sunday was damn funny btw], watched movies... [Bashing commencement shall begin here]Everyone had left. I stayed at my ex-crush's house just to chill. I didn't want to go home at the time b/c I had just gotten into a large fight at home with my parents. I just needed to be with someone who could look me in the eye and actually hug me without pity or judgement... Anyway. We're watchin' a movie and I'm just cuddled next to him, still upset. So we watch 'Dodgeball'. Well, arm around the shoulder turned to touching my hair, to me touching his hair... Lalalaa... we end up kissing on his couch. T.T To be honest, guys. I don't regret doing it. I needed it. I needed a stress reliever. I needed comfort. I needed an actual body to hold me close... I'm not dating him now. We both agree that we're way too busy. It's just. "Meh, it happened. Let's move on." He was also the first boy I kissed way back in senior year [I was his too]. Around 3 I went home and told Jason. Over the past month I had been thinking about "us". And in light of ALL of the problems that I have... I felt that it wasn't going to work. Granted there are other reasons why I broke it off. But I'm not going to list them. There's no need. Just last Sunday night/Monday morning was an eye opener. I need to concentrate on myself. I can't give anything if I haven't any energy to make myself happy. It isn't fair to everyone around me, to Jason, or to myself. So yesterday I broke it off. He's not coming down to visit in December. He's saved SO much money for this trip. I felt that it would be better served for him to go back to school b/c there's nothing more than I want for him to be the best he can be... I still care about him very much and I hope that he can forgive me for this. For what I did. For all the crap I put him through and wasted his time. I loved Jason. I still do in a sense, but I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I'm a weak person... and I deserve any hate mail, comments, bashing, insults that will be headed in my direction. I'm so sorry everyone for what I did... I hope that you guys will try and forgive me. I hope and pray that Jason will try and strive to be all that he can be. For now... it's school, my family, my life here. I'm just developing my life... It's time for a new start...

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Monday, November 7, 2005

   Running on empty...

A question: You are far apart from someone you care for very much. Stress of school, home, and your love for this person overwhelms you and exhausts you. You find that your heart can only take so much... and then you come to a decision. You love giving all you can to everyone you meet: work, school, family, love for another, friends... What do you do when you can't stretch evenly... what is more important for you now... your happiness and stability, work, school, or the one you love? Just a question that I wanted to throw out into the void... Tell me what you guys think...

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Sunday, November 6, 2005

   Kill me now...

Just letting you all know that I'm still alive. I've been under a LOT of stress and I'm emotionally spent. I find myself crying myself to sleep every night now. My grades are suffering, my CNA exam for the state certification is on the 14th and I'm nervous about that. Plus, I'm not sure if the trip that Jason is planning is going to go well... I'm not even sure if what he's sending is enough... Plus my mom is harping on me all the time and keeps giving me all these disappointed sighs and looks. They make me feel bad rather than help me... If/when I get into the Nursing program at school, I may not have time to work, so therefore I have to save my money in case I can't keep my job. So spending money on me is out of the question... ::sighs:: I better go before I start upsetting myself... I miss you guys! I'll be around later to everyone's sites in the afternoon when I get home from my last clinical... See you!

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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

   Useless Post #1

Math is still hard. Anyway... I'm too hungry to do math at the moment... I can do it when I come home later tonight. Oh, this post doesn't have a theme to it. It's completely random... Just some FYI.... Mom just came home. She's got some kinda skin thingy cleanser on her face. I thought she was sweating. Lol. Facial peel maybe? Dunno, never tried it... Don't think I want to... Still sunny and kinda cold. I still had to wear a jacket outside, but the sun feels good. ^ ^ For once I'm not sweating my ass off from the humidity and the heat. I'm sure some of you hate the cold, but I like it! Especially since it's hot 9 months out of the year here! WITH your killer hurricane chain might I add! I got a belated birthday check from the grandparents. $210 big ones! Whoo hoo! I'm not... THAT... poor anymore! Yay! There's this HUGE astronomy/planet/ spacy booky I wanna buy that weighs more than my kitty! Or as much... can't really tell... But it has all sorts of photos and stuff. I don't need it, but I really want it! Grrr.... I hate working late... Arrrr... I'm scary! Grr!! Lol.

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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

   Wonder what the probability is for snow in Florida this winter? Hmm...

Math is kinda hard. I'm doing statistics homework [well, part of it] before I head to work... I'm so lost and I don't have time for a tutor to help me... Bah... Took me a whole hour to do 4 math problems. Rrrgh. It's nice and sunny here right now. It'll be like that for a few days. It'll start raining again this weekend though. Mom and dad were planning on staining my new desk on the weekend. "Not a good idea to do that when it's raining and humid... I'm gonna leave a note for dad or something to do it soon... I need it! It's cold, but not cold enough to snow. It doesn't snow here. Florida sometimes will get it but, that's like every 20 years!! It's too cold for shorts! Not that I wear shorts. My legs are icky and pudgy. :P Gotta run... I'll be back by 9 EST. It depends on when class lets out... oh well...

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Monday, October 24, 2005

   Shorties!

Kinda tired still today. It's cold, windy, and rainy b/c of the cold front, cloudy day, and hurricane ripping through south Florida... Perfect weather to cuddle up with my honey... if he were here... ::Siiiiiiiiiiigh:: Kitty update!Mr. Salty is doing fine. Still kinda tries to escape when we go outside to the freezer or out for the day to work or school. Had to chase him a few times. He still needs to take his shots and get that drainage hole cleaned. Doin' fine. He's eating... So fat that cat! Thanks for all of the loves and concern for him! Gotta head to work now... I'll be back by 9 EST to visit everyone's sites today, okay? But I still gotta study and stuff. So they'll be short and sweet! Oh, I drew Gimli yesterday. It's a sketch but it looks good!

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Sunday, October 23, 2005

   Before I go...

Gone to my last real clinical today. I have a lot to do with moving patients, getting their vital signs, and making sure they eat properly... I'm leaving today at 5:15am [up at 4am] to drive down there by 7am... Yeah... It's a long drive... My kitty had some surgery done this weekend. There is a mean old kitty and he fights with Mr. Salty a lot. We noticed that his cheek was really swollen and hard. We took him to the vet and she had to gas the kitty to do some surgery. She opened up his cheek and cleaned out all the dead/necrotic tissue with some rinsing and just cleaning it up. She stitched up his cheek and left a little hole so it can drain and not get all yucky again. We have to clean that little hole with hydrogen peroxide and give him some antibiotic shots. He's gotta stay inside until Halloween then he gets them out again. Mean old kitty. :( Daddy wants to shoot him 'cause he thinks it's a wild cat not a domestic one... :( Gotta head to "work" even though I'm not getting paid... Oh well, old folks need me! Lol. I'll be back by 3 EST to visit everyone's sites today, okay?

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Wednesday, October 19, 2005

   Back from Birthday Bash...

I'm back!I've been kinda exhausted lately. I didn't even get to post on my birthday! And I missed Katocool's birthday! Happy late birthday, Kat! ^ ^ I didn't do a whole lot on my birthday. I got to pick out a new desk [I'll get pictures], went out for lunch at a Cuban restaurant. Gooood food. Better than anything! I got a free drink too! "Sangria" It's a wine with apples, pears, and I think oranges cut into it to soak. It's pretty good. My head started to hurt a little. I think it's because I'm sensitive to the sulfites in certain drinks. I had a Fuzzy Navel [vodka and orange juice and peaches], then 2 Smirnoff Twisters [watermelon and raspberry]. That was over the course of a few hours and a lot of food. I almost got into a fight at the end of the night cause some jackass was talking shit about my best friend. Saying she was a whore and a bitch and stuff. I told him to shut his mouth [well, the uncensored version can't be posted... sorry ^ ^;;;] or I was gonna pop him one. My 2 friends were "Dude, don't make her mad!" The guy was an idiot and a stoner and thought he knew more than I did about my friend. I felt bad for ruining my own party, but no one talks about my best friend [or any friend of mine for that matter] and gets away with it!!! I called back after I left and apologized to my friends for acting like a bitch, but the guy needed to be put in his place! I don't care if he was gonna beat me up! Sunday morning was kinda hard to do when I had to go to the nursing home and help out with the CNAs there. There was a lot of yucky stuff. I got to see people with colostomy bags [ makes you have a #2 in a bag; done by surgery b/c of the lack of bowel movement] and see how it's changed and replaced. I got to feed patients, and help them go to the bathroom. I made beds and took their vitals. I didn't get to do the blood pressure b/c I couldn't get his pulse... I need to practice that... This weekend I'll have a lot more to do. Yay. :( ::Yaaaaawn:: Gotta head to work now... I'll be around later tonight to visit everyone's sites, okay?

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Thursday, October 13, 2005

   Sleepy...

Beatdown. DAMN. I have never been this tired before during the week. CNA is taking a lot out of me, and in truth, it IS very tiring and very exhausting profession! It's the late night classes that are getting to me, plus the day classes with normal school... ehh... having trouble... I have a test Friday, my birthday Saturday, clinicals for CNA Sunday at 4 am, Monday another test, then a Midterm on Tuesday! O.o;;;;;; When am I gonna have time to study? 2 days 'til my birthday!. I've learned a lot with the CNA class. I can: change a bed with a person in it, take blood pressure (kinda), find a pulse (and take it), get the respiratory rate, give a partial bed bath, clean mouth and dentures... I think that's all I've learned. I'm having trouble getting the blood pressure b/c the stethoscopes suck a lot. You can't hear the heart beat very well. : \ I can't get my own one for the state exam, b/c the nurse is going to use a double one (double head set) to listen. I can't only be so far to the right (it's just above! If I'm lower than what it should be, that's it I fail!). If you fail at one skill, you fail the whole clinical part. ::sigh:: Maaaan. I'm stressing over this. Gonna get some shut eye while I can...

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Monday, October 10, 2005

   Short but sweet!

Busy weekend. Well, busy Sunday. I had to get up at 5 to go to my clinicals for CNA. I was pretty tired, but it was kinda fun and fulfilling to help out the elderly. There weren't just old folks but younger ones even as young as 21 and there is no one to care for them. It's kinda sad, but it feels good to know that they like it when the students come and help them and bring in the outside world cause they're basically stuck there... It's very rewarding. ^ ^ 5 days 'til my birthday!. See you guys later! Gotta work!

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