Thursday, August 19, 2004

   Official Rant #1


I stepped on the scale a few days ago... ::sighs:: Remember the saying that people tend to gain at least 10 lbs after high school within the first year of college?

...........


Yeah, it happened. Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know girls tend to gripe about their weight WAY too much. Broken record, yes, I know. MOST of those girls are ones that weight like 100 pounds... Yeah, I WISH I weighed that... ::sighs:: Anyway, I've been meaning to try a few new things. I'm kinda at a loss for suggestions and I'm starting my 2 year in college soon... Any help would be greatly apprieciated. This isn't something that I've just decided on. I've been struggling with it for a while now... and I'm CONVINCED that this is why I could never get a date in high school (much less now). I'm borderline normal/overweight for my height... But seriously... Ever since I can remember, I've been teased about it. it was hard making friends the first couple of years in school... I did manage to get back down to at least 130, but the last two years of high school I had to deal with all sorts of problems: exams, teachers, not enough sleep, and the fighting (I got into a lot of fights... mostly verbal though.). Sometimes when either prom rolled around or homecoming I would often try to find a dress that covered so much up... then I'd be a sweltering mess by the time the dance was over... Prom was especially horrible. I DID have a date surprisingly. He said all the right things and was very nice... until he found out the he wasn't going to get laid... He politely excused himself to go to the bathroom... I spent an hour looking for him.... He left me stranded at prom. I had to call my dad. I was in tears the whole way home and the next day after. I stayed locked in my room wondering what exactly I did wrong. The whole answer came up later on that week, but that's for another entry.

Anyways... I think back on those days and wonder if I was just attracted to the wrong guy or if it was actually something I did to "scare" them away. Mom is convinced that I tend to scare boys off b/c I'm SO pretty... :p Whatever... if that were the case then it would have been someother girl left at prom, not me... ::sighs::

I wonder why some are given the easy roads to walk and others the long one? It doesn't make sense really... If you want to add the x factor (religion), it looks like God's play favorites, but that's blasphemy... I find myself skipping out on church alot... and I've been getting more and more irritable. I'm not sure why. I don't have as many classes as I did now... there aren't any more bullies or pain in the ass girls that like to pick on people... I've got an okay job, I'll be getting a new car soon... what is my problem?? Am I just causing myself more pain by wallowing in self pity? I don't think I am... I really haven't been frustrated about this since I graduated, meaning I haven't actually sat down and done THIS. Am I being selfish for just knowing what I want? Why can't I just fall into one of my fanfictions that I write? Man... ::kicks ground:: Dammit. I just want to be able to look back in 60 years and remember good things that happened to me... besides marching band, and having only ONE good friend out of high school... I want to be able to remember the day that someone chases me down because he sees me 100 yards away on a boat... having no idea who I am and just wanting to get to know ME. For liking me the way I am, for all of my faults... and who will just tell me that everything wil be all right...


God... I sound like I'm advertising for a mail order guy... I know I should look on the brighter side of things... and... maybe see things they way they COULD be instead of the way they are... ::sighs::


Well, at least I get paid tomorrow. That's one step closer to my new car... Something to look forward to, I guess... Even if it doesn't have a beating heart...



Comments (3)