Friday, December 3, 2004

   Third Time's the Charm My Ass... >:(

I don’t understand things anymore… It’s seems the more I try to understand how to do something or see something or, god, even want something… It’s out of reach and I don’t understand WHY. People tell me: “You gotta try harder… You gotta want it so badly to motivate yourself!” You gotta do this. You gotta do that. Well, what the crap happens when you do this AND that, hm??? Is it SO hard to just get want you freaking want in life?! ::growls:: I’m so SICK of people telling me what “I gotta do”, when they have NO idea what they are talking about or how I feel… I try. I try really hard. I try hard enough to set aside supposedly more important things in order to even think about having the slightest chance at accomplishing something. It’s complete bullshit the things people tell you.

By now you guys probably have NO idea what I’m griping about this time… Well, you can take a wild guess and probably be right: school, friends, and boys. Well, as for school. I study. I study my freaking ass off and I just miss As. They’re all like B+s and stuff and I can’t seem to get ahead. The thing is with nursing down here is that it is SO competitive. Come on here: 30 people get selected based on grades… There are at least 400 people every semester applying. How the hell does that work? Aren’t we at a shortage for nurses here?! Anyway… Friends? Yeah people told me out of high school that they’ll keep in touch… I’ve seen not even half of them at least once… They all have my number, and I call them from time to time. “Yeah, yeah… we should hang out!” I’m still waiting for that bloody phone call. At to top everything off, my best friend (and only one it would seem…) is moving away (I don’t even know where or when!) with that bastard of a fiancé of hers… He’s such a dick… I can’t even BEGIN to tell you how much I don’t like him… I don’t know what I am gonna do about it. I… Won’t have anyone to talk too… Oh? That guy in my biology class? Forget it… As it turns out the past couple of weeks have been a freaking waste of my god damn time… He’ll stay certain things and give me looks like he really is interested… THEN he pulls the: “I like you, but I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to lead you on. I’m not ready for a relationship of any kind…” Ladies we have heard this before, ne? Bullishit, huh? Yeah. If he really DID like me… He would have followed through on his flirt quest and asked me out on a date… This sucks… and this was over the PHONE no less. Doesn’t have the gall to say it to my face… He’s supposed to call me tonight… Heh, I should shut off my phone…

Right I had a point to this… Well, let’s see here. I busted my ass for at least 7 years to get someone to notice me, approach me, want me… yeah… not workin’ out. And to those of you who wann tell me that there’s more important things than guys, save it. I don’t want to hear it cause I ALL READY know what you’re gonna say!! ::sighs:: I KNOW that there’s more important things, but you know something? When all the important things like friends, family, career, yourself go to hell… I just want something to fall back on. SOMEONE actually to keep my spirits up, to RE-motivate me into not giving up on anything. I DON’T have that… So don’t presume to tell me what important. I know what’s important… I’m just tired of everything going to pieces on me when I am trying so HARD here!
::Sighs:: Well… I’m done for now. This has probably been the worst post yet… I apologize about snapping. I’m just frustrated and it’s the only way that I know how to release it when I can’t stand it. I promise that tomorrow that I’ll be in a better mood… I guess it’s these Christmas blues that are really beating down on me this year. So… I’m just going to pull on some pjs, get some green tea, and watch Saiyuki over and over. Or Ronin Warriors… Can’t neglect me anime in this time of turmoil… At least I can still enjoy that…

Am so feeling like Kaoru right now…

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