Thanks for everyone's input from the question on Monday. I know it was eerie and ominious... This post won't be anything but that and angsty. Any bashing is totally acceptable here. I messed up. Here's what happened... well, the short version. Anyone who wants the whole story, PM me...
I've been going through so much stress as most of you know with nursing classes, exams, state tests, money problems... and it's good to have a shoulder to cry on or lean on for support... I have you guys here at the O, I have my friends that I hang out with on the weekends... talking and typing is good... I just needed that to get me through the days. As you guy know about Jason... well... over the past few months I've felt that we've I dunno grown apart in some way. Everything seemed to get more and more frustrating with the trip and making it work... until my days started to get worse. I started fighting with my parents more and more [about him], I couldn't sleep b/c I was worried about school and spending time studying, I cried every single day. Little things like spilling my soda made me burst into tears...
A short time ago I re-kindled a friendship with a sort of ex-crush. He, me and all of our friends have a great time together. And we're just strictly friends. Period. But, I want to say 3 days after Halloween during a jam session [they play guitars] I just started crying! So me and my ex-crush started talking. I basically vented everything at him and just cried and cried... He told me that unless I was happy, I couldn't do things for myself, help out with home, or make anyone else happy. I needed to sacrifice certain things now in order to succeed in the future.
Love is the most important thing in the WHOLE WORLD to me. But it isn't a priority right now...
Sunday night, early Monday morning we all hung out again: played piano [horribly], guitar, watched football, read Dave Barry in the paper [last Sunday was damn funny btw], watched movies... [Bashing commencement shall begin here]Everyone had left. I stayed at my ex-crush's house just to chill. I didn't want to go home at the time b/c I had just gotten into a large fight at home with my parents. I just needed to be with someone who could look me in the eye and actually hug me without pity or judgement... Anyway. We're watchin' a movie and I'm just cuddled next to him, still upset. So we watch 'Dodgeball'. Well, arm around the shoulder turned to touching my hair, to me touching his hair... Lalalaa... we end up kissing on his couch. T.T To be honest, guys. I don't regret doing it. I needed it. I needed a stress reliever. I needed comfort. I needed an actual body to hold me close... I'm not dating him now. We both agree that we're way too busy. It's just. "Meh, it happened. Let's move on." He was also the first boy I kissed way back in senior year [I was his too].
Around 3 I went home and told Jason. Over the past month I had been thinking about "us". And in light of ALL of the problems that I have... I felt that it wasn't going to work. Granted there are other reasons why I broke it off. But I'm not going to list them. There's no need. Just last Sunday night/Monday morning was an eye opener. I need to concentrate on myself. I can't give anything if I haven't any energy to make myself happy. It isn't fair to everyone around me, to Jason, or to myself.
So yesterday I broke it off. He's not coming down to visit in December. He's saved SO much money for this trip. I felt that it would be better served for him to go back to school b/c there's nothing more than I want for him to be the best he can be...
I still care about him very much and I hope that he can forgive me for this. For what I did. For all the crap I put him through and wasted his time. I loved Jason. I still do in a sense, but I can't do it anymore. I'm not strong enough. I'm a weak person... and I deserve any hate mail, comments, bashing, insults that will be headed in my direction.
I'm so sorry everyone for what I did... I hope that you guys will try and forgive me. I hope and pray that Jason will try and strive to be all that he can be.
For now... it's school, my family, my life here. I'm just developing my life... It's time for a new start...
Sacrifice
