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• 1992-06-01
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• 2006-07-01
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• One hell of a butler~
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• To finally scan my art and post more stuff on Otaku
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myOtaku.com: supersaiyanjounin
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Thursday, August 2, 2007
Countdown To The Disappointment
Mood: Sad
Listening: "Suzie" - Boy Kill Boy
I had jiu-jitsu today (well, technically yesterday, because I am posting this at like 1 in the morning), for the first time in two weeks. I was gone because of vacation, as you all know. It turns out that while I was gone, the other three students got their first stripe on their belts, and I do not have one. They are 9, 8, and 5, and I am way older! I work way harder, and am way better! Normally, I would not say such a thing, but I work SO HARD, and these little kids get their stripe first?
I know, this sounds ridiculous. But I was really proud of jiu-jitsu. I finally had something that I could be proud of, that no one could make me feel bad about; it was MY sport, my sport to love, to enjoy, and to thrive in. The 4th grader is a good kid, but the 8- and 5-year old are brats. It is ridiculous!
Then, at the end of the lesson, right as I was about to leave, Crosley-sensei called to me. I turned around, and, in front of everyone (it had been a particularly large class today, with lots of kids and parents) he yelled, "Maybe in a couple weeks you'll get your first stripe!" I was so humiliated. It was bad enough that I did not have my stripe, that the little kids did, but now, Sensei had to yell that for everyone to hear?
I am so tired. Because once again, I worked my butt off in jiu-jitsu. My back hurts really bad, even sitting hurts. I feel awful right now. I felt alright before, but re-telling the story just brought up my anger and frustration and hurt feelings from before.
*Sigh* I actually feel a little better now, now that I have vented some and calmed down. Still, I feel a little disappointed, really. I guess I held Crosley-sensei in such high esteem, I never imagined he would hurt my feelings and my pride like that. Every time I finally find someone to admire, they just turn out to be another letdown. You want to know about my last hero? HE SMOKED POT. That is what happened to MY hero. He did other things, but that was the worst. My last hero just hurt me in a lot of ways, and that was one of them. I will not go into detail, but it just goes to show you. I feel like the people I admire let me down, and that I always let myself down. I feel like a failure so much, that jiu-jitsu really helped me because I was doing so well. At least, I thought I was. But the stripe is not just some piece of black tape; it is not some accessory on the belt; it is a symbol of skill, and pride in what you do – earning a stripe is something that means a lot to the students that can appreciate martial arts, and not having it is a searing, burning reminder of all the times I have failed, all the times I have been disappointed, all the times I have been let down, and all the times I have tried to forget how much of a failure I have been.
Haha, I just realized something ironic. The song I said I was listening to, "Suzie" by Boy Kill Boy, totally relates to this post. I just realized that. The first part of the chorus goes: "Countdown, countdown, countdown to the disappointment". I find that a bit humorous, yet it still makes me feel bitter.
For whoever had just read this, thank you. The fact that I can talk to readers like you, and to have you really listen, means more than you know. Even if you do not comment, the fact that you took the time to read this makes my day. I love you guys ^-^ Wow, can I go ONE POST without being sappy about how much I love you guys? xD!
Well, I have to put the question for today: Has any hero of yours ever disappointed you? If so, how? Until the next post! Jya-ne! ^_^
-SuperSaiyanJounin
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