Monday, May 23, 2005

She left me
hello everyone. yesterday the worst thing happend to me. kelley left me. she says that she doesnt love me anymore. this is really hard for me. i thought everything was going good, up untill a few days ago when she started acting difrent. i think she was acting difrent becuase she was thinking of when to break up. but before that everything seemd just wonderful. I still love her. she means the world to me and she always has. but if she doesnt love me then im afraid i will have to move on. i think it will be a long time before i can get over her. i love her so much and i thought that she loved me. i guess that she doesnt though. i think that it might have something to do with her friend tim. but i dont know for sure. i know that he likes her, and that she said that she was "confused" and she wouldnt talk to me about it, and she was talking to him about it. but like i said, i really dont know if it he has anything to do with it. who knows, maybe she just stopped loving me. Tim, i dont know if you had anything to do with it, and i know that if you did i probbably have the right to be pissed at you, but im not. getting mad wouldnt make her want me back. I dont know quite how, but i had a feeling that it was going to happen. i dont mean like, yea we might break up, i mean on sunday afternoon i kept thinking about all the ways that she could break up with me. then sunday evening, she did. I always thought that when she left me id start to cry uncontrollably, but i didnt. my mouth got really dry and my whole body started shaking. soon the shaking was so bad that i could barley type. i went to bed, or at least i tried. when i layed down i started to cry then. but i didnt sob, but tears ran down my face. then i started shaking again. I felt really thirsty becuase my mouth was so dry, so i got out of bed and walked to the bathroom. I was shaking so bad that i had to prop myself up on the wall. after that i went back to bed, but i couldnt go to sleep. i stayed up all night. in the morning i got up around 5, cuz i never went to sleep, i was up all night thinking sad thoughts. in the shower i cried the hardest, probbably becuase i couldnt hear myself and get embarrased. in school i was really depressed, but i kept it under controll. i tried to eat lunch but i just couldnt. i couldnt eat breakfast either. today me and my mom went to coney island, and i orded soup and a hot dog, and i ate the soup, but i felt sick after a bite of the hotdog. im sure that il have my appetite back soon though. This is a really big deal for me becuase for over a year she has been all that i thought about or cared about, and i think that she cared about me, and now its like she really doesnt care. hey everybody! guess what i just found out!?! kelley is already going out with tim. that hurts. i mean you could have waited even a day for gods sake. kelley i thought that you at least cared about me, but maybe i was wrong. so kelley, how long have you and tim been going out? i bet that you two made plans long ago. as soon as you came back from toronto with his nicklase and hat, i knew that it would end up being the end of us. i always thought that me and you had something special, and you know what? im sure that we did have something special for a long time. i loved you more then anything, and im pretty sure that you loved me too. everything was good untill you went to toronto and met tim. i know that its becuase of him that were apart. oh well i dont care anymore. the sadness that filled me only hours ago is now gone and replaced with a horrible cold emptiness. i hope you are happy with him, i really do. we cant be together anymore, but i still care about you and im not so sure about loving you. Tim, you had dam well better take good care of her. i think i can move on now maybe. no hard feelings to either of you. have a fucking happy wonderfull life
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