Friday, July 22, 2005

well here it is
Hello, I’m Alex Pluff. I am a 16 year old boy, and this is the story of my life. I want to tell you about more then just the events of my life, but I want to share with you my deepest thoughts and emotions. Everything you are about to read about me is true, I have not made any of it up, or tired to cover up any part of my life. So if you are prepared to read the truth, I am happy to share it with you.
I was born on April 26, 1989 in Detroit, Michigan. Both me and my mother nearly died at birth because of complications. I was born through cesarian section, as was my two brothers Mike(14 years old) and David(8 years old). Im so glad that both me and my mother survived my birth, because life is filled with so many wonderful things. My dad owned a small but successful business, and my mom stayed home to raise me and my brother Mike. But early on in my life, when I was only four years old, my mom and dad had a divorce. Im not completely sure why they did, but it was their choice. The divorce was really hard on both of my parents. They both had to move into apartments. Me and my brother lived with my mom, and my dad lived alone. My mom did everything she could to get our family by. Dealing with all the hardships that we had to go through, my mom did a great job of raising us. Im sure its not easy being a single mother, and I want to thank her for all she has done for me and our family.
In kindergarten and first grade I did ok, but in second grade I was doing poorly. I just barley passed, which was hard for my mom to understand, because I was a really smart kid. During the second grade, my mom was dating this guy. He seemed like an ok guy at first, a little bit of a looser, but not a bad guy. We lived with him for a while, and things seemed to be going good for us. Then one day he got drunk. Him and my mom, who was pregnant with David at the time, started fighting. He hit her, and threw furniture at her. I remember sitting outside on the front porch, hearing them screaming and fighting. I was so scared because I didn’t know what to do. Well my mom packed our things and left him that same day, and other then bumping into him at a gas station in Tennessee, we haven’t seen him since, and I think that’s the way it should be. After she left him, we moved into apartments again. I started third grade in a new school, then not long afterwards, on November3, 1996, my youngest brother David was born.
Third grade was a horrible year for me. I had this teacher that, in my opinion, shouldn’t have been allowed to teach. She yelled at me, threw chalkboard erasers at me, and even jabbed me in the side with a pen. What kind of teacher would do that? I had my mom complain, but they never did anything about it. I was failing the class. I just couldn’t concentrate on my work. All the other kids made fun of me and said that I was stupid. I only had one friend. His name was Jerome. Jerome was a great friend to me, he was always there for me, and he never once tried to hurt my feelings like the rest of the kids, in fact, he stood up for me on a few occasions. Despite almost failing, I barley passed the third grade.
Fourth grade was a lot better for me. I had a few friends, but most kids were still mean to me. I got a “girlfriend”. It wasn’t anything serious, just “puppy love”. I never went to her house or anything, we would just hang out in school. We dated for 2 or 3 weeks, then I got to experience my first break up. I was sad for a little bit, but I quickly got over it. Fourth grade still wasn’t good academically. I still couldn’t concentrate on my work. My mom knew that I wasn’t just dumb, so we decided to see if it could have been something medical. We went to the doctors, and found that I had a severe case of ADD(attention deficit disorder). The doctor prescribed Riddelin for me, but it didn’t work. All that it did was keep me awake all night long, then in the school day I was just really tired. As you might have guessed, being extremely tired didn’t exactly help my concentration in school. So now I knew what the problem was, but I still had no solution. Near the end of the year I became obsessed with pokemon. I knew everything there was to know about pokemon. I played every video game, watched the show, and I was even a member of the official card league. I was obsessed with pokemon until the sixth grade. Sometime around fourth grade my mom met a guy named Chris. The best way I can describe him would be a “high tech red neck”. He loved to drive his truck in mud, and to shoot things, but he also seemed to know everything about computers. He had a military background, and had medals in marksmanship. He acted to much like a military commander or something too often, but other then that I liked him. My mom ended up marrying him, but it only lasted for two years. While they were married, we moved into a house in Roseville Michigan, where I went to Dort elementary for fifth and sixth grade. In fifth grade I had finally discovered a medicine that controlled my ADD. With the problem of ADD out of the way, my mind was stronger then ever. I was no longer failing my classes, but passing them with higher grades then most kids! In fact that year I got the best scores on the Michigan Educational Assessment Program (MEAP) test out of my whole school. I still didn’t have many friends, but I had a lot more friends then in the other school. I was still into pokemon, probably more then ever before, but I started to take an interest in anime. I really liked shows like dragon ball z and gundam wing.
In sixth grade I was just as smart as before. Sixth grade was also the year I had my first big crush. Her name was Alicia and she lived just around the block from me. I had a huge crush on her for a really long time, maybe until seventh grade. I never went out with her because she already had a boyfriend, and after they broke up I was to shy to ask her out. She was one of those really pretty popular girls, and I was just on of those smart nerdy kids, so I thought that I wouldn’t have a chance. I got to be really good friends with her brother, and although I liked him, the real reason I hung out with him so much was just for an excuse to be around her. Me and her got to be really good friends too, but unfortunately never more then friends. She moved away sometime in eighth grade. I still think about her and her brother and all the time I spent with them when I go past her house. I kinda miss those days, when everything was so simple. Sixth grade was also when I got my first scooter. It was an aluminum razor push scooter, and I still think that there’s no better kind. Over the years I have worked on perfecting jumps and tricks on my scooter, somewhat like a skateboard. Riding scooters has become a big part of me. Since im the only one around where I live that rides scooters for more then just transportation, its unique to me. I have even been referred to as “the kid that rides scooters” by people that see me riding around in my neighborhood. When I herd that name it made me feel kind of good, like I had a reputation for it.
Seventh grade was my first year of Jr. High school. In seventh grade my interest in pokemon and anime faded, and gave way to video games and the medieval knight. I was really interested in medieval times, the ways of knights, and anything to do with swords. My friends and I would make fake swords out of wood, and later on, metal, then we would have sword fights and battles all the time. It may sound childish to some people, but we took our sword fighting very seriously at the time. We thought of it just as seriously as some people take sports. It wasn’t just some little game to us, we actually spent hours every day training out swordsmanship skills. In eighth grade my interest for knights switched over to Japanese samurai. But I still took it just as seriously as the knight. Only now it was just a little different style. Later on in eight grade I became obsessed with ninjas, and I wanted to be just like one, almost the same as the knight and samurai. I dressed up in all black and I would sneak around the neighborhood at night, and I learned all about them, and I made ninja stars (shurikins) and blow guns. My obsession with ninjas lasted longer and I was even more into it then I was with knights or samurai. Then in ninth grade I joined a fencing school, and learned how to fence. Fencing is the style of dueling that was common in renaissance times. I was really good at it, probably because of all my experience with sword fighting. Although sword fighting and fencing aren’t quite the same thing, they are similar. I took fencing classes for about a half year, then I began to loose interest in it, and sword fighting all together. I never actually lost interest in it completely, but I just stopped doing it. By the beginning of ninth grade I no longer had to take medicine for my ADD. It seems that most cases or ADD go away with age, and it mostly affects younger kids. About half way through ninth grade I got my first real girlfriend. Her name was Megan. She was a nice girl, but she wasn’t right for me. She was a girl that sex was her life, and I was a boy that had never had a real girlfriend and was afraid to even kiss. I never really felt comfortable around her, I was always worried that she would try to do something that I wasn’t comfortable with doing. But she never did, I think she never did only because of one of her friends begging her not to( it turns out that friend had a crush on me for some time). I never even kissed her. We only went out for a week or two and when we broke up I wasn’t even sad, more like relived. We were friends for a while, but then she moved away. About a week or so after we broke up, Megan told me that I should ask out her friend Kelley. I known Kelley for a while, and I thought that sounded like a good idea. Well on March 8, 2004 I asked Kelley out. We were together for more then a year, and it was the happiest year of my life. I loved her so much. I loved her more then I loved life itself. I would have gladly given everything for her. There has never been anything as special to me as she was, and I don’t think there ever will be. I was her first boyfriend, and she was the first girl that I loved. We took things very slowly at first. It was 2 weeks before I even kissed her on the cheek. It was 2 months before we open mouth kissed. I had been thinking about doing it for a few weeks, then one night I got the courage to. It was a nice warm night and the weather was perfect. I asked her if she wanted to go for a walk. We made our way to Dort elementary school, which was were we first met in fifth grade, and also the place that I asked her out at. I remember being nervous, more nervous then I had ever been. My hands were shaky and my stomach felt funny. I asked her if it would be alright if I kissed her, because I didn’t want it to be too surprising and ruin it. So we kissed, and being our first time it was really awkward, but it was so perfect, and I felt wonderful. That is probably one of the most important moments in my life. I think of it as my first kiss, and its something that I will never forget. Every thing was always perfect when we were together, and I never wanted to do anything else besides be with her. I always thought about her, and I told her I loved her every time we were together. I remember my first sexual experience with her. It was at her house, and her parents weren’t home. We were making out, and I started kissing her neck, then I started to move a little lower and kiss her chest. I started pulling her low cut shirt even lower, then a little more, then I could see her nipples. I played with her breasts, and kissed them and her neck, and we made out more. Just like most teenagers, we did a lot of that, but our love was more then just lust. We never actually had sex, just a lot of things close to it. She meant so much to me. She was the girl of my dreams, and for the year we were together I was always happy. When she got grounded for a month, I wrote her letters every day. I walked my dog past her house all the time, in the hopes that I would get a glimpse of her. I still have the letters that she sent me while she was grounded. I was always optimistic and always happy for that year. Then on May 22, 2005 my life came crashing down around me. She told me that she had found somebody new, and that she didn’t love me anymore. She didn’t even tell me in person, she told me online. I had always thought that if she left me I would break down and start crying, but I didn’t, not right away. When she told me, my hands started shaking uncontrollably, my mouth got so dry, my breathing became shallow and shaky, I felt cold, and I could barley keep my balance. I walked upstairs and shut myself into my room and then I cried. I couldn’t sleep that night, or the night after that. I just lay in bed and cried and felt cold and empty and lonely. I wanted to scream, scream as loud as I could. I wanted to Scream all of the breath out of me so I wouldn’t have to wake up to suffer through another day. I haven’t been the same since she left me. It seems to most people that I have moved on and im happy again, but im not. I hide behind fake smiles but inside I am depressed. Every night I lie there thinking sad thoughts of life and love. At night I have dreams of broken hopes and loneliness. My dreams always start off happy, then end in sadness. Sometimes I think about cutting. Sometimes I want to cut my arm just so the pain will block out this emotional torture I go through every day. But I will not, I will not cut myself because it is something that I would have to live with for the rest of my life, and that is not worth it. But even though I wont do it, I cant help but to think about it. I guess you could say that Kelley is the cause of all these problems I have, but the happiness that we shared makes all this pain worth it.
Tenth grade was a good year for me for the most part. I had started playing guitar in the summer right after ninth grade. I still play and im getting to be pretty good. I don’t take lessons, but I am self-taught and I don’t think il need to take them. In tenth grade I got a lot of friends, and I guess you could say I was popular. I mostly hung out with kids that played guitar and liked rock music, but I still had my friends from before. I did well with all my grades and I had the advanced classes. I was really happy all the time, except the last three weeks, because Kelley was still with me. I actually liked school a lot in tenth grade because I had all of my friends to talk to. I really liked french class because I had a lot of close friends in there. In summer I went on a trip, with thirty or forty other kids from my school, to France and England. We went to Nice, Monaco, Paris, and London. It was the trip of a lifetime and I will never forget it. It was the first time that I had ever rode on a plane. Tenth grade was a good year.
It was a month after Kelley broke up with me before I dated again. In that month I was seriously depressed all the time. Then I met Ashley and my depression got better, but only for a little bit. Now im depressed a lot of the time again, but I try not to show it. Ashley is the girl I am dating now. I have known her from school for a couple of months now. Its kind of weird because she was going out with my best friend a month and a half before I was going out with her. He tells me that he is ok with me going out with her, and he seems sincere, but its just weird thinking about the things they might have done together. How we started going out is an interesting story. She was on the school field trip to France and England with me. Since I had always liked her as a friend I spent a lot of time with her on the trip. I could feel myself getting attached to her, and I could tell that she had feelings for me too. Well one night we were in my room at the hotel, and we somehow ended up kissing. Then the next day we spent all of our time together. Then that night at the hotel I was in her room really late, and I ended up sleeping in her room on the same bed. On our first day in Paris I asked her out. It was more of a formality because we already acted like we were going out. After that I spent every day holding her hand and every night sleeping with her. It was so nice to feel loved again and not be depressed all the time. Now were back at home in the USA and things are still going great between us. I love every minute I spend with her. She is so much fun to be with, and when were together I don’t feel depressed. I really love her and she means a lot to me, but im sad to say that its just not the same as it was with Kelley. Kelley was my first love and I suppose nothing will ever be as special as her to me. Like I said before, my depression isn’t as bad as it was before, but its still there. I feel happy when im with Ashley or my friends, but when im alone I feel really sad and depressed still. I still think those horrible thoughts. Even when I am happy, its like im not as happy as I was before. I find myself thinking about Kelley more often now. Its not that I want her back, but I think about all of the times that we shared. On the outside I am still the same old me, always laughing and happy, but that is only when people are around. On the inside I feel broken. Im not the same anymore, I even think differently then I did before. I think that in time I will get over this depression, but for now I have to deal with it. I wish that things could be like they were before, where I was happy, and never depressed. Im not sad always, just a lot. I don’t know what my future holds, but I plan on being happy one day. This is the story of my life. I hope you enjoyed it.
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