Sunday, August 27, 2006

GOD DAMNIT, I FUCKING WANT TO KILL SOMEONE!
Sorry that its been so long since ive updated. life has found seven different ways to fuck me and my family over. Between my last update and now the following things have happened:
- We got evicted from our house because our landlady got conned into it by her evil, greedy little children.
- This is a touchy subject, but my slutty sister decided to cart her big ass away from my family and take her little girl with her. She was only supposed to be gone for a week. we find out a fucking month later she moved into a house fucking three states away and wont even let us speak to her daughter. the Skank lied to my parents and hurt them. if i ever see her again ill tell her a little story. Its from my boot. its called Kicking your ASS!
-worst of all, I am sitting in a motel in kentucky because my uncle Billy will soon die. My uncle is a great man, who has had a great life. He will die of health complications at the age of 40. He was a volunteer firefighter who loved what he did. he had two kids and adopted four more. he had this uncanny ability to make anyone laugh under any circumstances. Even now, in pain and sedated from medication, his sense of humor remains steadfast. people say i look like him.

Ive never wanted to cry so much in my life. But i cant. i have to remain strong and vigilant over my grandmother (i call her Mimmie) My Aunts and my mother. Mimmie cries when she sees pictures and talks of Billy. A 6'4" , 250 Lb man shrank to 5'11" and 175 Lbs. My aunt Stacy cried because billy is responsible for the path she walks. If Billy wasnt a firefighter, She wouldnt have become a paramedic. My mother hasnt cried much, but when its all over, she'll crumble.

I cant cry. I cant hurt. I cant grieve. even as i type these words i cant cry. If i do, no one will be able to help my family. Dad is still at home which does me no good and my grandfather (i call him Pap) who has been the strongest man ive ever known is beginning to fall.

All i want is to wrap my arms around someone, and have their arms around me. I want to lay my face in their shoulders and let it all bleed out. My home, my niece, my uncle, my grief, all of it. I want to cry and let it the fuck go.

Someone tell me its alright. Tell me i'm not alone.


I leave you with the words of my uncle when someone asked if they would wait for them in Heaven,

"I'd wait outside the gates for ya, but i'd probably get picked up for loitering."

-SwordPsycho
Comments (1)