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2003-08-01
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Greg
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DBZ, 1998
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Tuesday, December 21, 2004
Love - part 2
I wasn't really planning on making a huge discussion out of the last post, as they were just some thoughts that I wanted to get off my chest, but since you all took the time to comment, I figure that I'll dedicate this post to reply to everyone. Skip down to below the dotted line if you want to read that right away.
If you aren't interested in the boring, romantic shit, stop at the dotted line.
If you have no life whatsoever, go ahead and try to read the whole damn thing. >:|
First off, though, my day. Well, like I said in my last post, the temperature dropped dramatically last night and it started to snow for the first time all season. It was sticking, too, making it look like we might not even have school today, so I decided to put off finishing my essay for English class. Bad idea. I woke up this morning and found out that we were getting a two hour delay, so I rushed to finish up the essay (only to learn that it's actually due tomorrow, yay!) and found my car to be completely covered in snow and ice. >_o Actually, I didn't really want a snow day, anyway, since I knew that I was going to be extremely bored; a delay was perfect.
So I go to open my car door, and low and behold... it's frozen shut. My mom quickly heated up some water, and I used that to pour along the outside of the door until it finally opened and I could turn the car on and put the defrosters to work. Seven minutes of scraping later, and the door had re-frozen itself, so I had to heat up some more water, pour it along the door, and dry it off before it had time to freeze. By the time I got to school, I was almost late and looked for a parking spot among the snow-covered lot, only to find that teenage drivers are dumbasses (I know, I'm surprised too) and enjoy finding reasons to take up two spots when you can't see the lines, so I had to park on the lower level.
School itself was... alright, I suppose. As it turns out, a bunch of people just decided not to come altogether, and they didn't even start taking attendance until second period. For me, that's AP Seminar (study hall), and I spent the period talking to my guidance counselor about finalizing college stuff, which allowed me to do my applications today and reduce a huge amount of stress (EDIT: I wrote this before I did applications to try to make me do them, but in the end I just put it off. The stress is still there ;_;). I had to take a quiz in Calculus that I wasn't able to finish, but luckily she'll give us more time when we get back from the break, and she also gave us a take-home test to do because she loves us so much.
Art class, I basically avoided Cassie completely. I never even looked at her, and tried to forget her entire existence, and in the process made myself invisible. Oh well, don't give me crap about that, because it helps me kind of push her out of my mind, and that's what I need right now, before I even consider going back and being her friend. I spent the class looking on the internet for ideas on future pictures, and I got some great ideas that I can work with to do four complete pieces over the break (so much fucking homework...).
This was my last period of the day, so I went out to my car, got some CDs to burn from my friend, and got in the line of cars to wait for the buses to leave. So they left, and the cars in front of me left, and I... didn't move at all. :) Every time I pressed down on the gas, there would be a loud roar from the engine and a lot of smoke would come out the back, so I did my best to get off to the side and let people pass me. After sitting there for a little while with the engine turned off, I tried again and it magically worked, but I didn't want to test my luck for too long so I went home as quickly as possible... and then got stuck going up the driveway. So I had to wait for my dad to get home and back it down the driveway, then I went to get gas because the gauge was really low, and I parked it in the garage for tonight so it wouldn't get any worse.
And when I got home today, I really felt like I had something missing in my life. There was just this feeling of... not being content, I dunno. Like I had gone to school that day to accomplish something and hadn't done it.
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Shin: lol, that's not necessarily a bad thing not to have gotten involved with relationships, as it tends to add a bunch of stress on your life, if you couldn't tell. :p But if you do have feelings for someone, it's probably best not to keep in the stress and always wonder what could have been, you know? Maybe you'll end up seeing her around one day. ^_^ After waiting so long, though, I agree that a friendship would be much more likely.
Azure: It's optimistic to know you'll never find someone? Lol Though, if that's not what you want, then you don't have to look forward to it.. I've had the same problem in the past with girls I've liked, generally. I would fall for a really good looking girl who seems nice enough on the outside, but it turns out that she's actually a prep and, in some cases, something of a slut as well. -.- That's exactly why I tend to wait to act on crushes: because they might either blow over, or it turns out that they aren't who I thought they were.
Annie: Well, I don't want you to think that I'm not looking for a friend, even though I'm looking for a relationship as well. Usually I'll be looking for both in one person, but I'm not against the idea of just being friends with a girl. One thing about it, however, is that I really haven't had many (if any) friends who are girls throughout my life, and I don't have any sisters, so the female population my age has always been rather foreign to me. Maybe not being surrounded by neutral girls has affected my subconscious in some way, and this is why I have trouble with, or thinking about, relationships in general. I guess I'll never really know for sure.
Arc: I think you misunderstand my intentions, heh. I'm not looking for true love at this stage in my life, only questioning and wondering about it, since I've come to terms with the fact that I won't be finding that person-for-me anytime soon. XD I do, however, feel that companionship is something entirely different from love, and this is something that I really long for in my life right now. Just to have someone there... to be there for you and vice versa, to hold - to basically share your life as it is right now. I've never experienced any sort of relationship in my life (save a long-distance one where we only met once, and a short fling that lasted less than a week) so I have a strong desire to experience it, perhaps more so because of the stress in society these days for relationships to start early.
I'm told that I have a very strange, and mature, way of dealing with a first date, but I wouldn't go nearly so far as to say that I hold them anywhere close to actual love. At most a large crush, but something like love has to develop over time, like I explained in my last post. Eh, maybe I think of a first date as being more serious than I should, in that I generally want to feel comfortable around the person, like them, have known them at least a couple weeks, and be able to see them as someone that I could spend a good amount of time in a relationship with. When I explain this, people generally tell me that I associate dates with serious relationships too deeply, and that's true. I mean, sure, you're only young once, and you can have fun, blah blah blah... but when it gets down to it, I don't want to waste my time over useless girlfriends, and actually want to prepare for how it's going to be like when I get older. Maybe I do want to grow up too fast - is that a bad thing?
I do agree that friendship is key in a relationship, because without things such as communication and connection, it's not going to last very long. I've had girls who, as soon as any romantic tensions were turned off, suddenly started having normal conversations that were meaningful and fun. With this latest girl, Cassie, I foresee things going the other way around, because we used to be able to talk about things so smoothly, and lately we haven't even talked at all.
When I find someone that I like, it's not from looking desperately for a relationship, even though one would be nice and I do like companionship. The crush is the result of them catching my eye and intriguing me in their own way. In fact, up until recently, I was telling myself that I wouldn't concentrate or even look for women due to the fact that I find so many high school relationships pointless and immature, though if the right girl came along, I wouldn't try to deny my feelings. And that's about all I have to say on the matter.
Baron: There's really no need to try to compare with everyone else, lol, but the comments are appreciated. I am waiting for that day of balance and the girl for me, but I know that it won't be coming anytime soon, heh. You did bring up an interesting point about the girls who turned me down coming back, and I've always wondered how I would handle that situation. If one did come back right now, I think that I'd turn them down. You see, when you have strong feelings for someone and it isn't returned, what reason do you have to hold onto them? I've always felt that it is best to just get rid of them right away so that you're not waiting for something that will probably never come to pass, which will keep you from making stable decisions in the future. Besides, for the pain that they put you through turning you down, how could you overcome it simply because they changed their minds?
Karmi: I think that a lot of stuff that I want to say in response to your comment has been covered when I replied to Arcadia. I know that I don't have to be in a relationship, and I don't define myself by girls who I like or am with; all I'm saying is that there's a void in my heart, or my life, or whatever it is, and I feel like I want companionship. And this all started with that slut, Molly. Bleh
I don't know about you, but I really only hold one steady crush at a time. There might be a large amount of people that I find attractive and wouldn't mind knowing more about them, but really liking someone, especially to where I take it... there's only room for one. Eh, but maybe I take that single crush too seriously, I dunno.
mal: Haha, I'm probably too young to be taking relationships this seriously, myself. It's all about how old/young you feel on the inside. ^_~
chie: I appreciate the comment. ^_^; I'm glad that you found it insightful, and that you like the site. I hope you have a good week too, heh.
Well, that's quite enough for me. I shouldn't go on so much of a streak; it's unhealthy for my procrastination.
Syk3-out
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