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myOtaku.com: TaintedSanity


Sunday, March 9, 2008

thoughts of boredom...
i think i've come to realize that i put on a mean personality when i'm with people i don't know, trust, or care for. i've compared myself to how i act to my friends, to the people at school (which are total bitches, and its a small school of 100....yes those actually exist), and i see that i'm quieter, reserved, and a lil mean. but when i'm with my friends i'm not.
of course people do act different with strangers than they do their loved ones. but these are people in school that i talk to every day. so what keeps me from being the real me? do i think differently of them, so therefore i act to be like them? do i do this as a self protection act so if they hurt me i don't care because they don't know me? or do i do this to blend in easier and not cause conflict?
if it is so i can act like them, then what have i become? some whore who wants to blend in with the shallow school i go to? i love being different, i don't want to be a modern version of a bitchy country barbie-doll.
if it's for protection, then is this bad that i feel the need to constantly protect myself?
if it's the conflict issues, then i need to get over it. the ideal of humorous fights appeal to me >=] (such as i'm tempted to wear a shirt that says "bisexual love<3" to bible camp. (or would that be mean?) tempting no? )
or is it a completely different meaning?

i have so many thoughts racing in my head that i push back until i have time to deal with them.
THAT is not good, it's good to think about all the shit that's in your head...which i completely suck at that rule.

maru~

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