Sunday, August 19, 2007

My December
Youth group today was special. We actually talked about porn, so of course, I was very interested as was every other person there. But at the end of the sermon, they told us that they know that everyone in this room has something that they are ashamed to tell and it's because of that that their lives become spiralling down. Pastor Pete told us to tell any of the helpers there about their burdens if they wanted to. Feeling that I really should try, I told Krissy's mom my secret.

She didn't say she was dissapointent, or sadden. She didn't even change her facial expression, it was as if she knew before I told her. But she told me that she sees me walking around the church alone and she said that even though I look happy, she knows deep down that I only pretend to be and that she cold see the pain that I'm going through. After that, she introduced me to another pastor and I had to tell him again. He didn't help much, he just said that I know that it's wrong. Some help he was.

Then five minutes later, I walked out of the youth group room and Krissy's mom followed after me. She wanted to know if I could tell Pastor Pete it too. So...I did. He provided as much help as Krissy's mom did (though I perfere talking to her. I feel safe talking to girls with this situation.) He said that the entire reason why I have such a severe case of shyness is because all my life I've been hiding and drowning myself in a sea of denial. He said that I'm afraid to go out into the open because I'm too afraid of people's reaction if and when they do find out. He nailed it with that statement. He said that he's going to take me to a counselor about this and I'll be lieing if I said that I wasn't afraid of that...

though all this, it makes me feel like the only way to kill my sexual desires is to actually walk out of the closet. which...kinda defeats the purpose...
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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Big girls dont cry.
God I love that song. (look up on title). that's my new theme song as of right now...except...I'm not a girl. -_-. well my inner self is, so that's good enough.

here's the lyrics to it:

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your hometown
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
Be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their
blanket
But I've gotta move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry,
Don't cry,
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking, I must go alone
I must take the baby steps till I'm full grown,full
grown
Fairy tales don't always have a happy ending do they
And I for see the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their
blanket
[Big Girls Don't Cry lyrics on http://www.metrolyrics.com]

But I've gotta move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like a little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and Uno cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be my
valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'cause I wanna hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret
worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself in center, clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their
blanket
But I've gotta get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry,
Don't cry,
Don't cry

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Sunday, August 12, 2007

this would probably be the second time I've cried this month. it's a new record that I cried over what people -might- think about me.

Dustin is gone...forever now. I probably wont ever see him again. But what hurts the most was taht he left with a smile on his face. We're still friends, in fact he himself called me -his- best friend. so that's what hurts the most. I've never cried so much even over Sean. And It was just tonight that I realized that with Sean, I knew deep down that Sean didn't care worth shit about me, and he never will, so it was easy to get over him. But Dustin actually cares about me. He loves me. And now that he's probably moving (or atleast not going to the youth group anymore), the odds of seeing him again are down to zero. I just wish there was something more I could do other than pray.
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Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Dearly Beloved
This past week has been somewhat bad for me. I got sick, a common cold and a fever, so I couldn't talk well at all. But the plus side was that my best friends Sarra and Kattie came over with the soul attention of making me feel better. Although Kattie's motive for bringing me flowers was obvious (she has a crush on me), I was so happy, I just had to hug her tight.

Currently, she has the same cold as I did.

Then on Sunday, I went over to my youth group and had such a rememberbal time there. I was there late, so they were singing praises by then. I was noticing everyone there and I noticed a real good friend of mine looking real down. Like his face was down and everything, not the usual hyper way he usually is. His name is Sid Tonhunsi (he was born in some other country, but he speaks real good english. He doesn't even have a native accent.) Anyway, I've noticed that right after the song was over, he went over to the restroom and he slammed the door open. I was kind of scared to do so, but after a minute, I went inside there to "wash my hands" and I've noticed taht he was crying. I can't go into details why, he's kinda embarressed by it, but the main thing was that I was going through the same thing he was. And after that he said that he wished he was there whenever I was going through it. I felt so protected then...

On Monday was the day that I had such a surprising phone call on my cell. I've never dreamed I'd see the day when Sean would call me, but not expecting much, probably a prank phone call or something, I anwsered it. He was inviting me...ME...to go see Simpsons Movie with him and some other friends of his. I don't know why, but I declined, saying that I was grounded.

I wonder if the reason I didn't go is because I just know that I'm going to crush over him again if I hang with him...? perhapes.
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Monday, July 30, 2007

Mustache, Monkey, and a Barrel.
The mercy me concert was awesome! It really made me think about my afterlife again. So much that it made me cry. The song So long self was in my head the entire night, and I can honestly say that right now, that's the song that people should compare me as. We had really good seats, about 60 feet away from the band. So you could see their facial expressions. I knew who this band was the instant they played the song I can only imagine, because my mom used to play it around the house lots and lots of time whenever she cooked. Mysteriously, she cooked a lot better when she hears that song rather than those times when she doesn't. But...that doesn't mean the mothers cooking isn't good without I can only imagine. I don't know, I guess cooking is weird that way. It's a good thing I'm taking it as a course this year.

In my freshmen year (last year) I used my ninja skills to get information over my crush. Turns out that he took all honors, which I didn't that year, so that's why I'm taking all honors this year. I have a higher chance to see him this year...

I'm not sure if I'm excited or worried.
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Thursday, July 26, 2007

Mercy me!
I'm over about four or five hours away from my home in a city called houstin. We like never go here. but my brother insisted that we go here all the way just to see a concert. It's a band calle dMErcy Me. we're going in about three or four hours from now. I can't wait! =]
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Wednesday, July 18, 2007

I've been doing some serious thinking about my afterlife. I've decided that I'm going to try my hardest to get out of my gay lifestyle and try to force myself to be straight. I've realized that if God sees me atleast trying to change instead of not even caring, than I have a much better chance of getting into heaven if I do try to change then if I don't. Of course, that means that I have to forget about Dustin, but I never had much of a chance with him anyway. Being best friends with him is even better anyway.

So please people, pray for me.
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Friday, July 13, 2007

My god last night was wonderful.

I forgot to tell dustin where to meet, but during this week, I've been having nervous thoughts in my head, such as what if he forgets or what if he can't find me? anyway, I went to the mall and looked for him, he wasn't there. So instead, I went into Waldens to look at the manga section. CHA-CHING! They finally have Flame of Recca 9. I wanted to buy one so bad but unfortuantly, I only had $7 and it was like 20 so I just hung out there for a while.

Dustin found me there like litterly five seconds later. He said that he found be going inside so...we kinda just walked around the mall. He said that he was looking for his girlfriend-to-be because I told him he could bring a friend over if he wanted to. So we walked around the entire mall about once or twice. (our mall is pretty small, but big enough to spend the entire night on. it only takes about five minutes to walk from one end to the next if there's no people traffic) And then we finally found her near chick-fil-a. Dustin bought some sort of strawberry milkshake thing and I bought nothing (I had a feeling I had to save it for something...) but he offered his milkshake for me...that was sweet of him, but being modest, I said no. I've been studying his fiancee the entire time. Dustin was not kidding when he said that she ignores him. She seemed a lot more concerned about buying purses that matches her hair then she was about Dustin himself. And she mispronounced words that even I know...like "abstinence". And she very rarely even looked at Dustin or me. She just talked to this chick that she brought along the entire time. Perosnally, I don't think she cares about Dustin himself, but the idea or him. I don't trust her, and it's not just because of jealousy.

oh Dustin....please be careful...
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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

CHA-CHING!!!
first non song subject. It deserves it.

I know you all are confused, espeically you mimi and hippy, but I've got over Sean as of right now. (as of right now is the clue word. I'm sure my crush will rise if I see him in public again. it's just low because of his abstence) so...instead I found someone even better, or as Jewel had said in her song. "Well excuse me, I confused you with someone else. Somebody who gives a damn, somebody more like myself." His name is Dustin Hinson, and he's sooooooooo increadibly adorable. But...I can never have him, because, well unless he's hiding it to look cool, his survey on his myspace shows that he is homophobic...a big one at that.

He doesn't know that I'm...well. But my plan is to raise my friendship with him so much and then tell him, not the other way around (I tell them my secret which forces the friendship to go up) that I usually do it. He is so sensitive and sweet. And the good news? He's on my top, obviously, but also, I'M ON HIS TOP 8. I was so increadiably happy when I saw my face sitting on slot number 6. The other people on top are like crushes and ex-girlfriends and stuff. Though I'm still relantant to call him a best friend. More like a close friend really. I'll tell him once we become best friends. like slot number 3 friends.

and the best news? I called his number and shyly asked him if he wants to go to the mall on thursday. he agreed! I'm so increadibly excited!!! I can't wait!!!

I'm in love all over again, but hopefully, he isn't a fraud like Sean was...no he's not. Sean's aura is more...eviler than Dustin's.
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Sunday, July 8, 2007

I had an argument with my best friend yesterday night. It was agravating.

He was just being a pathological liar, in my eyes anyway. Because he said one thing but then contradict it about 10 minutes after saying it. Then we go into another discussion and argue along side of that.

I know this is confusing, but I can't tell you more than that. I will say however, that we are still friends, jsut I'm not sure if I can trust him or not.
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