Wednesday, April 2, 2008

   i'm getting better at things.
So I definitely have been having an interesting week.

(copied and pasted directly from my lj)
My mom thinks that I should see a therapist.
According to her, I have some very deep feelings that she can't even begin to understand. I think she's a little afraid of them. But we've always been very close, so I've been trying to explain what's going on inside of my head.


I don't like to open up to people. Especially people that I don't know well or at all. I'm incredibly open with people that know me well for just that reason. I want to be open with people and to have that effortless social grace that I see other people have. I want it so badly.

But I'm afraid. More often than not, whenever I come out and actually talk to people that I don't know, I say something or do something stupid, and they laugh at me. That cuts so deeply. By now, it's gotten to the point where I don't talk to people very much at all, because being ignored is slightlybutstillbetter than being laughed at.


Sometimes I go back to conversations in my head and I think about a comment that I've said and I think "what if they took that a different way? what if they don't like me anymore? what if they hate me?" i go through all sorts of ridiculous scenarios in my head and blow up a stupid little moment until I hate myself.



But I'm trying to overcome this. I really am. I hope you can believe me.


On a slightly less depressing note, it's nice to see you again, rabidpinmin =] I missed seeing you 'round here =] your site looks pretty stinking awesome


that little animated thing up there...that's not me =] that's my friend Annie. That was to go with the part where it says "I love my friends". *nod*



<3 i'm in physics so i can't stay for long bai 8D
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