Monday, September 4, 2006

Calling tears from deep inside, oh, you're so exquisite
No school today. No getting up early, or anything. Exciting.

I'm feeling...apathetic. I don't know. I'm just not really feeling any specific emotion at the moment. Maybe it's because I'm tired. I don't know.

A few days ago, I went to a few antiques/home decorations stores with my mom and my sister. I got a picture of the Eiffle Tower. It's black and white, and I like it. I'm planning on putting it in my new room, whenever I get around to moving in. It's my sister's old room, which is empty since she moved out.

I want to go to Paris so badly. It's on my top ten list of things that I want to do (whenever I get around to making a list, that it). I don't want to do what my sister did: get married at 19. I'm not saying that it's a bad thing, she's really happy. I'm not saying that's a bad way of life. I'm just saying that I want to get out and explore the world. I've lived in small towns all of my life; I want to see bigger things. After I've seen some of the world, I want to settle down and have a family.

Anyone else have any fears? Snakes, spiders, or even small spaces? I'm terrified of deep water. I mean, like really deep water that you can't see the bottom of. It scares the heck out of me. That might come from my slightly irrational fear of sharks, however. Also, I'm scared of the fact that I could look down and see something coming up from the deep blue oblivion. Gives me chills. I can't go swimming in deep water, I just can't.

I'm sorry, I'm rambling. I might should go now, I suppose. I'm going to shower, and then go to bed. Sweet dreams.

i search for a meaning.

and i cant help but drift along
into disfigured constellations.
somewhat like in my dreams.
where i fall from nothing into
words that i miscarried.

into hearts that cadence with no
music. and im just a broken note
lost inside a symphony. with no
one’s fingers on the guitar strings.

i cant be played something with
indicative happiness.

i want to shoot the stars with
letters. write my name against
their fire. so something related
to me can burn magically. and
i want to learn of beauty without
breaking the mirror.

but i cant help it.
whenever i want to cry.
somehow, i always find a way to
smile something imitative.
but i never feel it stretching
across my lips.

because i long to be kissed by god.

i dream of lullabies sung by mute
strangers, listened to by deaf
children dying. and im blind to
my own pain as i lift my hands
to pray.

pray for the things ill never
need. things ill never get.
hoping an angel can interpret
my fake laughter into distress.

i swear i can dance.
i just haven’t found the
right footsteps to lead me, yet.

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