Thursday, October 18, 2007

   F*cking YAY, life.
Well, let's see.

My grandmother passed away 13th October, and I was in the same city she was hospitalized in and had I checked my messages earlier that day, I might've seen her one last time before she passed. Sure, she was well over her 80s and undergone two major hip surgeries, but still, I miss her and I didn't want her to go... She's been in my life for the past 18 years and there are so many things I wanted to ask her, so many things I wanted to talk about with her. Now I'm worried about how granpa is handling all this.

I'm starting to have a phobia of hospitals now, because two times, my dear relatives have been in them having routine surgeries, and both of them died post-operation to complications.

I hurt my back last spring by doing a sumersault on a flat, elevated surface. Of course, me having the over-all grace of a hippo, I didn't want to go, But I needn't worry, she says, she'll catch me, she says. Well thanks a lot teach, now my lower back has been sore, stiff and making crackly noises SINCE last spring. And now, NOW, the "injury" is really, really bothering me. So I'm sore, cranky, can't bend over, I can't find a good position to sleep in and am loosing sleep.

I also seemed to have a muscle-strain in my right side. Which is odd, since I haven't done anything that would give me a strain lately. It's sore and it hurts.

Also, it seems that one of my tearducts has blocked. It itches like hell, it's swollen and it hurt. While we're at the topic of my eyes, I also banged my right side to the wall when I was barely out of sleepworld and now it hurts to blink. Also, my eyes feel like they're full of sand, which is not a good thing, since I have dry eyes and am in a group that has a high risk of getting glaucoma; my eye-pressure is higher than normal for a person my age and my grandmother from my mother's side has glaucoma.

I haven't been able to sleep well in months. I'm irritated, irate, angry or at least disgruntled most of the time, depressed, tired, moody and on the edge. My neighbours aren't helping this at all, as the brats upstairs ran inside the house in shoes the other day (which is a cultural no-no in Finland; when you enter, you leave your shoes behind and walk in your socks or bare-footed. Also, this saves me some cleaning time), my downstairs neightbour plays guitar LATE AT NIGHT which would be okay, IF HE COULD ACTUALLY PLAY THE GUITAR. When I do get some sleep, it's light (as in, I wake up to the smallest sounds) or I see those dreams about a zombie-apocalypse (I'm thinking these dreams are my personal equivalent for the "I'm falling down and I can't stop"-dreams some people have) which is not good because I have a fear of zombies and I always wake up with a start, usually around 2, 3 am and can't sleep until 5, 6 am and then SURPRISE! I gotta get up for school.

Also, I'm stressed because due to a mishap in planning, I only have two courses this cycle in school; the mandratory minimum is 4 and a half courses (P.E counts as only half a course). I've already pleaded twice so I could continue studying and I'm scared that I might be booted out. Moreover, I'm scared that my performance in school isn't good enough for my folks. Then again, NOTHING I do at school is good enough for them, so that's that then. But I'm dead-set on continuing my school, whether they like it or not.

For the past three or four months I've been crying myself to sleep at least two times a week because I'm stressed, I feel bad all the time and I feel insignificant thanks to my folks. Nothing do will ever be good enough for them, everything I do has only flaws in them and frankly, there was a time in my life where I would've done anything for one, simple, encouraging sentence from them. But not anymore. Now I just want them to leave me alone and let me decide about my own life. 'Cuz let's face it, I'm gonna have to start eventually.

Everything seems to be piling on me these days and I'm having a hard time trying to get out of bed these days. I'm constantly crying but I can't say that to much anyone, because my parents will undermine me and I'd rather not mess my friends into this. I've been skipping school lately because the last time I was in school, I nearly cried for four times during the course of one lesson. I'm going to have to go and see the school nurse tomorrow, if for nothing else then to ask her a permission slip for my absences. Everything shitty seems to have piled up during the course of one week and I'm starting to break down. Lucky for me, Fall Break is just around the corner and begins next Monday. Then again...

If I wasn't depressed before, I sure as hell am now.
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