Wednesday, January 31, 2007

   Equivalent Exchange
The brilliant physicist Albert Einstein, after his participation in the Manhattan Project, was crushed with guilt after the weapon he designed annihilated 2 cities.

Ernest Hemmingway, one of the great authors of the American Renaissance, commited suicide when he was unable to cope with the depression that he had battled his entire life.

Dante Aligheri, the great Italian poet and author of one of the greatest epics of all time, was forced into exile because he disagree with the Catholic Church. He became terribly depressed as a result.

John Milton, the Author of Paradise Lost, was also exiled because a disagreement with the power in England. During the course of his exile, he lost his sight.

Vincent Van Gogh, one of the greatest painters of all time, stuggled with depression his entire life, culminating with his suicide.

My point to all this?

The entire day I have been trying to find 1 genius who did not have a miserable life. I have yet to think of one. I've come the conclusion that it is just a part of a genius' nature.

More accurately, it supports the law of equivalent exchange: In order to gain something, something of equal value must be given up in exchange. In order for all the great thinkers in human history to become the genius that they were, they had to give up their happiness.

Think about it: Would Edgar Allen Poe's poetry been as good as it was if he wasn't depressed? Would van Gogh's paintinig been nearly as moving if he was happy? Would Dante even thought of writing about hell if he were happy?

It comes with the terrority; to achieve that level of brilliance...happiness must be sacrificed.

I put that in context to my life. Had I not grown up in the unstable household I did, my poetry, art, or music, would not have the melancholy foundation that sets it apart and makes it great. If I did not wonder why people did all the horrible things they'd done to me, I wouldn't have spent days in the library readin to find an answer, as a result, I wouldn't be nearly as smart as I am. My misery birthed my genius.

Conversly, however, my genius creates my misery. If I did not analyze things the way I do, I wouldn't become depressed at things that other people brush off (I am probably the only one who thinks the Catcher in the Rye is the saddest book ever written). If could not decipher things that other people barely notice, I would be significantly happier. If my eyes could not see and interpret every detail of a person, I never notice anyone's flaws, thus being less cynical.

It's not like I don't like who I am. Its quite the contrary. I LOVE the human being I am. But love obviously doesn't necessarily equate to happines...on so many different levels. I wouldn't change who I am for the world even at the cost of being happy.

I know this is the truth. But as my boy Mike says, "Knowing and accepting are 2 different things." That's where I am in my life right now.

Because of who I am, I'm probably never going to be happy. I know that. I just have to accept it. Its the price I pay for being among the upper echelon.

-Deuces

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Tuesday, January 23, 2007

   Cynicism vs. Optimism: Reality vs. Fantasy?
It has come to my attention recently...contrary to what I previously led myself to believe, I am very, very, VERY optimistic. On the surface, it may seem like I have this darker outlook on everything, but with a lot of introspection, I have discovered that the way I see things ais ALOT brighter than I realized.

Which is, as everything else in this world, a gift and a curse.
(Damn, I hate how true that saying is...)

This is how I came to realize this: I was watching this video on the internet about a documentary this girl made. Long story short, she re-conducted the experiment performed in the landmark Brown v. Board of Education case. The experiment was called the "Doll Experiment", and they would place 2 dolls, a white doll and a black doll, in front of a child, and ask them which one they thought was better, prettier, etc. Back when the experiment was performed...the children overwhelmingly said the white doll was better. This led to the decision that segregation was unconstitutional. That was more than 50 years ago.

I have amazing faith in my people. I think that we have come an amazingly long way. And I really really believe that we can over come anything, and have overcome a lot....

Here's where the naivity of optimism kicks in.

The results of this girls experiment.....went exactly the same way. Right down to a T. I was stunned....literally shocked by the results. I couldn't believe that after over a half a century later....nothing's changed. I told this to 2 people, who intellect I respect...GREATLY, and they both responded to it the exact same way...like VERBATIM:

"It doesn't surprise me when things stay the same. I'm only surprised when they change."

I didn't know what to say... They were right. When I look back on all the knowledge I have attained in my 18 years of life...I have only been caught off guard when I learn something contrary to what I already knew. That is...when something's different.

I mean, cynicism.....depresses me. Expecting everything to be bad doesn't appeal to me.

But these are the people, the cynics, who tend to always be right; the ones who are never dissappointed with the outcome of anything.

They don't have to feel as terrible as I do now...

-Deuces
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Friday, January 12, 2007

   The Maturation of KD
It is so hilarious that I am so excited about what I am excited about. I mean the more I just look at the ever-expanding smile on my face, the funnier it gets. I love it.

Tomorrow, I have to go to my interview for the UAB Honors Program. Thus far, they only have 3 pieces of information to base my candidacy on: My application (from which they recieved my academic background, which is good, but not stellar), my essay (which let's them know what type of things interest me and how well I can organize and express my thoughts, feelings, motivations, etc.), and the 2 recommendations that my teachers from the Ada Long Creative Writing Workshop wrote (which lets them know how other people, people of immense intellectual caliber, view me).

I always just knew, that no matter what it was that I was going for, if I reached the interview stage, I am in. I win. Game over, no overtime. But this isn't like any other goal I've ever set; not like anything I desired before. This interview is going to be conducted by absolute geniuses. Like, literally, some of the most brilliant thinkers in the world. And my task is to gain their approval, their acknowledgement of my intellect, in order to join those ranks.

Unbelievable task ahead of me. And I couldn't be happier.

This will be the proving factor. The one moment that will cement all the high praise I give myself, this immeasurable ego I possess, into fact. If these people truly believe that I rival them in brilliance (or potenial brilliance), then my waning self-esteem will hoisted to the stratosphere and permanently engraved there.

If they don't...it will plummet to the depths of Hades.

With the stakes so high, and the reward so great...how can I not be happy? If the oppurtunity to prove myself to brilliance personified isn't euphoria alone, the fact the I (and a large handful of great minds) actually believe I can do it, pushes everything into overdrive.

This is what thrills me now. This is what excites me. This is what makes me happy.

Main Entry: mat·u·ra·tion
Pronunciation: "mach-&-'rA-sh&n
Function: noun
1 a : the process of becoming mature b : the emergence of personal and behavioral characteristics through growth processes c : the final stages of differentiation of cells, tissues, or organs d : THE ACHIEVEMENT OF INTELLECTUAL OR EMOTIONAL MATURITY

Have you caught on yet?

-Deuces
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Monday, January 1, 2007

   "Masterpiece" By: Keon Davis
"Scars cover every inch of my flesh,
Slashed ankles, slit throats,
Lacerated shoulders, stabbed backs....
Miraculously I survived each strike,
Each cut on the wrist, jab to the jaw,
Blow to the belly, bullet to the temple...

Each wound tells a story...
My skin is a mural
Depicting great battles,
Some ending in glorious triumph,
Some in devastating defeat.
Some of self-inflicted injuries,
But most paintings on my canvas
Were created by artists other than myself.

But no matter how many artists contibuted
To this mural of bruises, cuts, and gashes,
Or how many stitches and staples crowd the canvas,
Each scene flows effortlessly to the next.
No stroke of the brush without purpose,
No line or shape without function.

And the prying eyes of art critics cannot deny,
How immaculate this mural is."

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Wednesday, December 13, 2006

"With the Weight of the World on my Shoulders.,."
I'm am so tired of everything relating to people related to me it is not even funny.

I am here, with my grandma, doing my BEST to keep this thrown-together quilt we call a family from falling apart....

My mother is staying in a hotel with her boyfriend and is causing confusion on every front because she doesn't listen to anyone...

My oldest brother is trying to be a good father but is deeply wrapped up in animosity between other people to the point that he becomes the center of the hatred...

My sister is following my mother blindly....but even she has a sliver of a conscious...

My youngest brother is on his way to jail because he just REFUSES to do right...

And my other brother is just.....a selfish little prick who thinks everything revovles around him...just because he's different in one or 2 ways....

And I am caught in the middle of all of this.....while trying to go to college...

Everyone is pressuring me to take sides in this sensless drama, and I just cant....I dont have the energy for it: with work....and school...and personal shit....and everything else.

Its like I'm supposed to shoulder all that shit...and my shit....which I cannot do. I try....Lord KNOWS I try.....but I CAN'T.

And I just have to sit back and be crushed by it all, with no say so or anything...

I'm tired....I really am...

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Wednesday, November 1, 2006

   I'm Only Human
Poetic inspiration, coming out of nowhere, as it normally does. I love this poem so damn much. I don't have anything else to say.


I’m Only Human…
By: Keon Davis

They say, “To err is human,
But forgiveness is divine.”
I’m not one to play GOD,
As you know…

I’m only human…

I, too, feel pain when I am struck.
When a knife pierces my flesh,
I still bleed
The same dark red blood
That falls as tears do,
Just like everyone else.

I’m only human….

Though I try to make myself
Appear to be invulnerable,
I, too, can be wounded.
Fear can be struck
Into my heart as well;
Terror can still pulse
Through my veins,
And there are places
That even I dare not venture,
Again,
For I know of the horrors
That lie there….

I am only human…

Nowhere near perfect,
I am flawed on every level,
As all men are.
I lie, mostly to myself…
I regret, I blame, I hurt,
I can be hurt….
I am cursed
With every imperfection
That befalls all of humanity;
Yes, even you.

I’m only human…

Neither my mind,
Nor my heart,
Are invincible.
They both can be lead astray;
They both allow themselves
To be manipulated
By the deranged puppeteer
Who all men fall prey to:
Emotions….
Blinding all sense of logic,
Causing one to forget that

I’m only human,

As are you.
Maybe that’s where
The trouble lies.
Not in the fact that
I tried to disguise my
Own mortality,
But that I failed to
Recognize yours….
To see that you are not
Infallible, that you are
Subject to the same
Flaws and imperfections
As the rest of us.
That you are not divine,
But the same as I, for

I’m only human….

I cannot be held accountable,
For things beyond my control.
Decisions that I make,
Stem from my humanity,
My flaws, my mortality,
My pain, my fears…
Because of that,
I escape your judgmental eye…

I’m only human…

And nothing I can do
Will ever change that,
No matter how much
We want it to.

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Wednesday, October 4, 2006

   Stuff on top of stuff on top of stuff.
Lets just say I've had a rough few months...
People are not who they seem to be, and even if you love someone more than should be possible for a human being, it is still possible to have your heart ripped out in the most brutal of fashions.

That happened to me August the 27th. the 28th I swallowed about 30 pills. from the 29th to the 3rd of September I was in a hospital around people who really needed to be there; I had just lost it for a moment. For about 3 weeks I was terribly depressed but I got out of it by following my own advice.

So yeah, this is why I haven't been on in like FOREVER, I was dealing with I crisis that I almost died over. I know I seem like I'm one of the strongest people you'd ever me, but I'm still human, and I was hard to see the thing that I put 200% of me into, that I postponed my DREAMS for, fall apart around me in one week of her leaving for college, no less (how can you have sex with someone in that quick a time frame?)

Anyway, Life goes on and I do too. Sorry for taking so long.

-Terra Zero
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Thursday, June 22, 2006

   Hey guys
Long time no see, huh? I've just been busy, and tired, and elated, and miserable all at the same time. I guess my life is just an emotional roller coaster ride. Lets see if I came map out all i've been feeling these past 3 months.

April 21: My Senior Prom
Hated it, didn't go with my girlfriend (LONG story)

May 16: My Girl's B'day
Loved spending time with her, hated that I couldn't find the ring i wanted to give her.

May 17: My last day of High School
The single most somber and depressing day of my life, especially since later on that night i cut my hair. :,(

May 18-22: The days between the last day of school and my graduation
I spent everyday with my girlfriend. Pure heaven

May 23: My High School Graduation
The ressurection of my most depressing day. But my girl did meet my family, and really liked my grandma. But my supposedly dad hadn't shown his face since before prom; he probably doesn't even know i graduated.

May 23-June 2: The week between graduation and the start of my summer class
Another week of heaven with my girlfriend.

June 2-June 20: the first 2 and 1/2 weeks of my creative writing class
Pretty good, hung out with my friends who took the class and made plenty of new ones. I missed to days a week to spend time with my girl though.

June 21st: Me and My girl's six month aniverssary.
Dissappointed that I couldn't do what i wanted to do for her, but it was still a magical day. Until i got home and learned my mom had moved out of the house leavin me and my 2 brothers there.

Today is okay, but i gotta go now. tell me what's been up with you guys lately. See ya

-Terra Zero
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Tuesday, May 9, 2006

   ...
I'm really not feeling well today. sorry, thats a bad way to begin a post. Hi everyone, how's you guys' day going so far? mines going terribly. My girl had an unfortunate accident, and she could've been hurt, or much much worse. From what i can tell she's okay, seeing as i haven't seen her all day. Vicious 2 told me what happened and i called her, and she was bursting with tears. I HATE it when females cry, so hearing the love of my life cry is exponentially worse. To add on to that, i was completely helpless, so i couldn't go to her and comfort her or anything. I hate feeling helpless and i never let more helpless in my life. I hate it.

Even though she's not hurt, from what i can tell, i still never have been more terrified in my life. as soon as i heard what happened, our entire relationship flashed before my eyes. NOTHING that could possibly happen to me would be worse than losing the most important thing in the world to me. I could get tossed into a pool of acid to have my flesh burned from my bones for all eternity, and losing her would still be a worse fate. I love her too much to lose her, now or ever.

But i guess i should count my blessings, because she is okay, and i have to thank God for that. yeah, i'm not the most religious person in the world, but there must be someone looking out for her to keep her safe like that. in that respect, i couldn't be more thankful, but that doesn't defeat the fact that it was a terrible thing to happened, and i feel horrible for not being able to protect or comfort or do anything for her. but i digress, how is everyone else doing? no depressing stories though, i need the positivity.

-Terra Zero
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Friday, April 7, 2006

   Could I be any more happy?
Hey everyone, how is life treating you? Obviously, by my extreme enthusiasm, life is treating me very well....correction, life is treating me well becuase of the beautiful people in my life. i'll get into that later, but first let me say something: Buy Kingdom Hearts II, it will be the greatest thing you ever played in your entire life. I bought it, beat it, and loved every moment of it. Now that the promotions are out of the way, let me continue....

Well if you read my last post and understood it, then you know how down and out i was feeling last time. There is still a dissapointment i'm feeling, bu t a different kind, let me explain. The situation is resolved and the horrible mistake i made turned out to be irrelevant. that is to say the thing i thought would happen didn't happen. I can't describe the amount of relief i felt when i received that news. But shortly after that extreme euphoria, i was greeted by a strong sense of dissappointment. There is part of me, a solely emotional and utterly irrational part of me, that kinda wished that it would have been the case. Yeah, I'm wierd I know, but i was kinda looking foward to this HUGE challenge that I would soon face if that had been the case. My girl felt it, too, and we talked along time about it, and we did come to the conclusion that this was the best possible outcome and that we both need to make sure that we're not but in that situation again. She's so understanding when i comes to things like that.

Anyway, we have a sever weather alert today, so we get out of school early. Because of this, she stayed at school longer than usual, because she doesn't have a 3rd or 4th period. We hung out all day and she just left. I can't put into words how great she makes me feel, and how much i love her. Her presence, combined with that of my incredible friends, made this day unbelievable great, though only for a few hours. That made me come up with a theory, an observation if you will: REGARDLESS OF WHAT YOU'RE GOING THROUGH, THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO CARE ABOUT YOU, AND THEY MAKE ALL THE DIFFERENCE IN THE WORLD. Do you guys not agree?

-Terra Zero

P.S. Don't forget: BUY KINGDOM HEARTS II!!!
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