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Wednesday, January 31, 2007
Equivalent Exchange
The brilliant physicist Albert Einstein, after his participation in the Manhattan Project, was crushed with guilt after the weapon he designed annihilated 2 cities.
Ernest Hemmingway, one of the great authors of the American Renaissance, commited suicide when he was unable to cope with the depression that he had battled his entire life.
Dante Aligheri, the great Italian poet and author of one of the greatest epics of all time, was forced into exile because he disagree with the Catholic Church. He became terribly depressed as a result.
John Milton, the Author of Paradise Lost, was also exiled because a disagreement with the power in England. During the course of his exile, he lost his sight.
Vincent Van Gogh, one of the greatest painters of all time, stuggled with depression his entire life, culminating with his suicide.
My point to all this?
The entire day I have been trying to find 1 genius who did not have a miserable life. I have yet to think of one. I've come the conclusion that it is just a part of a genius' nature.
More accurately, it supports the law of equivalent exchange: In order to gain something, something of equal value must be given up in exchange. In order for all the great thinkers in human history to become the genius that they were, they had to give up their happiness.
Think about it: Would Edgar Allen Poe's poetry been as good as it was if he wasn't depressed? Would van Gogh's paintinig been nearly as moving if he was happy? Would Dante even thought of writing about hell if he were happy?
It comes with the terrority; to achieve that level of brilliance...happiness must be sacrificed.
I put that in context to my life. Had I not grown up in the unstable household I did, my poetry, art, or music, would not have the melancholy foundation that sets it apart and makes it great. If I did not wonder why people did all the horrible things they'd done to me, I wouldn't have spent days in the library readin to find an answer, as a result, I wouldn't be nearly as smart as I am. My misery birthed my genius.
Conversly, however, my genius creates my misery. If I did not analyze things the way I do, I wouldn't become depressed at things that other people brush off (I am probably the only one who thinks the Catcher in the Rye is the saddest book ever written). If could not decipher things that other people barely notice, I would be significantly happier. If my eyes could not see and interpret every detail of a person, I never notice anyone's flaws, thus being less cynical.
It's not like I don't like who I am. Its quite the contrary. I LOVE the human being I am. But love obviously doesn't necessarily equate to happines...on so many different levels. I wouldn't change who I am for the world even at the cost of being happy.
I know this is the truth. But as my boy Mike says, "Knowing and accepting are 2 different things." That's where I am in my life right now.
Because of who I am, I'm probably never going to be happy. I know that. I just have to accept it. Its the price I pay for being among the upper echelon.
-Deuces
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