Sunday, September 16, 2007

   ahtgf
I don't know what to say. I know that I have something to say, I just can't make my fingers type them out. I've got some sort of weird twisted problem. I'm suppose to write a personal essay for English. It just has to be one life changing event. The problem, I don't want to remember my past. I like the idea of going forward in life, you know? Living in the moment, chasing wild ideas, getting the most in a moment, freedom. You don't get that if you get caught up looking at what you did and didn't do.

Parts of my life are so weird that no one would believe it if I picked one of those. Here's a great example, when I was an eighth grader I was accused of murder by my classmates. Not just murder, but muder I would've commited as a ten year old. It was probably the craziest rumor about me at the time. The year before everyon was convinced the Mob and Feds were fighting over me. I obviously went to a school of really dumb people.

It's not so much the unbelievable rumors that boher me. When I was a seventh grader a friend of mine shot himself in the head. I still can't understand why he'd do something like that. I still get mad about it and blame myself. I should've seen it coming. I should've done something. But I didn't. I went to school and found out later that day, in math. They announced it over the intercom. Not the best tact. I didn't cry. I was really shocked, but even after it sunk in I couldn't cry. I wanted to, but I was angry then. I get it better now, but then I was just so mad at him. For almost a week after he killed himself, I hated him. Other friends were crying, his little sister, his mother and father, they were all sad. It wasn't there fault. When someone really wants to die, they do it. that entire week after he died, I was seen as a cold and heartless b____. I was being very cold, but like I said, back then for that week I hated him. I thought it was something very selfish for him to do. He didn't care how it was going to affect everyone when he was gone. He didn't care that I was getting everyone mad at me for being so cold. He didn't care that he was going to miss his little sister grow up and get married. Nope, it was all about him. He felt bad, so he died.

Well, of course, I'm a lot older and wiser now. I see how cold and selfish I was being in turn, thinking of how it affected everyone. Maybe if I was less selfish I would've seen the signs and I could've helped him. I could've told him that what he was feeling wasnt worth dying for. I have moments when I'm sad, depressed, and feel totally useless, but I would never end it like that. I could've said that to him. It's never worth ending it. All these things pass. Even the heavily abused and sick know life just has so much more to it.

A wish of mine is for everyone to just sit and do nothing for five minutes. Just sit outside and look at the world as if you've opened your eyes for the first time. You'll feel good, even if you're lookig at a scrap yard or something on a rainy day. Living isn't about the large scale, it's about all the small things. It's these that build a life. I wish I told him that. I wish I could've helped him. Well, I guess wishing isn't going to help me. I'm alive. Heck, I'm alive and trapped in a live I hate, but I'm still alive. I can change my life to my liking if I work at it. Bill can't. I lost my friend, but I won't let it stop me. I'm done with looking back. I'm going forward.

SGAH
FYWR
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