Tuesday, September 18, 2007

   Why...?
Why does if feel like I'm always screwing up why do I always piss someone off I'm only one person yet I make so many people angry. I feel like maybe it would be better if I just became a loner with no friends and acting like I have no family if I just remain alone maybe maybe I could then stop hurting people I dont mean to hurt them... I don't want to hurt them yet it always turns out like this painful I feel like becoming emo again maybe this time I will cut to deep because its the only thing I can do to fully be forgotten and maybe to stop hurting people... my feelings are in an uproar theres voices in my head telling me to do it! What are these demons that whispers horrors into my ear. That send me horrible dreams that stay here haunting me. I'm sorry ashley I am... but how do I tell her and mikey what I found out .... that maybe... Emmanuel is afraid to date ashley because Of what happened between them at turn about about how ackward it got after homecoming...what do I say when mikey basically infered that I'm a whore... and a bitch...maybe I am... but emanuel said he was going to ask me before... I don't know what do anymore I don't want to hurt any one anymore I think I would rather be dead.. I don't want to hear the insults that are directed at me behind my back I don't want to feel the tearing of this already weakening heart I am swaying to the side of evil to commit suicide what I was taught was the biggest sin of all why is everything bad almost ninty precent of the time... why does it always have to be this way in my goal to make everyone else happy am I suppose to forget my self! I don't know I really don't know I feel like thats what everyone else wants me to do!!! Its nearly impossible to make everyone else happy.... yet still I'm trying... While I do that I loose my self a little more to my darkened wishes ... why bother the voice says if all you do is screw up? But I'm fearful... fearful of dying and facing the truth of floating all alone through eternity in an endless cold abbus of cold darkness... Im scared to be alone at all and I fear angering people for fear they will strike back and I will be all alone again... I don't want to be alone again I don't want those dark thoughts... I want to be happy and I want others to be happy yet I don't know how to achieve this... its impossible... yet ... its not.. I don't like this... I don't want this.. I wish I was dead so everything was easier for everyone else... and that scares me most of all.... Well I ponder this and then I ponder my own sanity...if... all these thoughts flow through my head and hurting people is really all I am good at doing...do I deserve life really or do I rather deserve to burn for all eternity... high school drama will kill me if it doesn't lessen... but it won't and I might not even make it to my second acen at this rate... well thats all I can say for now..

I watched him fall forward over the ledge of the roof top building I saw the smile on his face as he plometted head first towards the pavement infront of me and that smile stayed even when his head crashed into the pavement and his head was crushed and his neck snapped and horror filled my lunges but still a sick wondering passed through my mind... did he really feel any pain.. because once his head..crashed into the pavement he was uncontious..so when he died he didn't feel anything... is he happy now.. or would it be possible to take his example.. and do the same and find out for my self.. if it would really hurt as much to dead as it does to be alive... in the end the choice is mine..it is the one thing I can control... among so many I cant..
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