Sunday, October 16, 2005

This is just to say...
Somethings happened today that made me want to post this.

There is a reason that I am the way I am. One specific event altered my life comepletely and made me reassess all of the things I thought were valuable and worthwhile. Had this event not taken place, I might not be here writing this post. Maybe I'll go into more detail about it in the future.
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Love and dating
Ugh. Everyone around me is falling in love and the holidays are about to come up and right after that is Valentine's Day. Already the stuff's making me physically sick, not love itsself exactly, but all this cutesy crap that my friends do. Fun stuff. On the plus side, the whole thing's been helping me direct my pessimistic and generally asshole-esque attitude into something positive, which means I've been going to the gym more often, which is something I've been neglecting lately. On a different note, I'm thinking of growing my hair long again (along with my facial hair). If it looks bad, I can cut it, one of the many joys of not having to impress anybody.
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Wednesday, October 12, 2005

I've figured it out.
I had an epiphany last night. The thing I've been trying to figure out lately would be my relationships with my friends. Here it is (names have been changed b/c I feel like it):

The Binganator: I still have strong feelings for her, but I know that she doesn't and will never have romantic feelings for me again. I'm not even sure if that's actually how I feel or if it's just because of the way our relationship ended with us still being close friends and now we don't see each other much and the whole situation just sucks.

Celtic Not: I'm not even sure that I would really call her a friend, she's more of an aquaintence. Our relationship is at best comperable to a blind man with an inner ear infection trying to walk a tightrope during a hurricane. The problem isn't that I don't like her or don't want to be her friend, it's just that we're too much alike in our negative aspects. Especially pride. And I used to like her alot and now she's dating another guy and he's a great and awesome guy (more on that in a sec). And it's not even that I like her (in a romantic sense) that much or even really want to go out with her, but it's the whole pride thing again. It just gets to me a little that I was never an option.

Boris: This guy is just wicked cool and even though I knew it all along, I used to pick on him alot in high school and I feel like shit about it. I apologized to him and he said not to worry, but I mean I was a complete asshole to him and I know that a simple apology wasn't enough to make up for it. I kinda just wish that he'd punch me so I'd feel better because I got what I deserve.

Mr. Ninja: Don't even have a real relationship with this guy, and honestly, I'm pretty sure that he really doesn't like me that much even though all we know about each other is first and last names.

Allygator: A girl I've dated a couple of times and even though we agreed that there was never going to be anything there and the dating was just for kicks, she's started popping into my head at random moments and I'm starting to get that mushy feeling when it happens. But I'm pretty sure it's just my pride acting up again.

The Bostonian: Another girl I know. She's kinda cute I guess but there's definately nothing there. But considering my track record thus far, I'm scared that I'm going to say/do something really stupid and screw up like I have with other friends (Celtic Not in particular). Once again she doesn't really know anything about me past my name and I think it's probably best to keep it that way.

As a matter of fact, The Binganator is the only one who does really know anything about me because to be quite honest, I'm scared to let people know me because that just makes it easier for them to find your weaknesses. More than one of the people listed above I know for a fact would betray me if they were given the chance.

Now that I know what I've been thinking, I just need to figure out what to to about it. Any suggestions?
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Tuesday, October 11, 2005

   Thinking
For the past few days, I've been thinking about something that I can't even begin to wrap my mind around. It's like standing on the surface of a planet and trying to comprehend the planet as a whole. It's so big that I can't even see all of the idea itself. Right now, I'm just trying to sift through my thoughts and look at them and see if I can't figure out what's wrong or even what exactly it is I'm trying to figure out. Would like some help if anyone has had this problem before.
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Monday, October 10, 2005

Life
What is it that makes life worth living? Is it love? What do you do when love has abandoned you? Do you lie there, sobbing until a friend offers you their hand? Or do you stand up and trudge through the mud, fighting your way uphill through the dark and the rain, knowing that no one is waiting for you at the top? When all the world goes dark, who do you turn to for comfort if you have no one to comfort you?
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Conversations
*sigh* I just found an old AIM conversation I had with my ex-girlfriend when we were still dating. It's too bad we broke up cause (I thought) we were good together. But, she wasn't into so what can you do? C'est la vie, eh?
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Thursday, October 6, 2005

*Sigh*
I just noticed that no one ever responds to my posts.
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   Friends
I was walking a friend home from school today and we were talking, and I just couldn't help thinking that it was cute (in a funny way) exactly how little she actually knew about me. Just a little something that made me chuckle.
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Tuesday, October 4, 2005

Problems
Well, it's happened. Technically it started happening on July 31, when the bastard finally died. And now that I'm rid of the source of all of my pain, anger, and unbridaled hatred it should have gone away. It hasn't. Instead, they've all increased ten thousandfold and now I have nowhere to put them so they're gushing out wherever they can. Like water bursting from hairline cracks in a dam. The composure that I've maintained for twenty years is now in far more danger than it has ever known. I'm cracking. I snap at anything and the more I release, the more rage floods in to take its place. Then, today, my mind shattered and the millions of shards that are left over are all screaming in my head. Screaming for all the other to shut up. My mind is tearing itself apart and every day I move closer to the edge. I'm going to break soon. I just hope no one gets hurt when it happens.
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Sunday, September 25, 2005

Pride
Heh. This morning I finally managed to swallow my pride (not easy to do considering that it's bigger than I am) and e-mail a good friend of mine who I was unjustly not talking to because of some little unimportant thing she did that I blew WAY out of proportion and took offense at when none was meant. If she's willing, I'll admit that I was wrong and beg for forgiveness. Hopefully this'll help me get over one of my more enormous faults. Now I have to work on my ego and my temper *sigh*.
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