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• 1985-07-07
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• 2004-09-01
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• I don't remember anymore

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• Before I knew what anime was, he.
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• Kenshin, Van Von Hunter
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myOtaku.com: The Sundowner


Monday, June 6, 2005

   Something else
I've figured out why I'm unhappy all the time (I say unhappy because it's not really sadness, just a constant feeling of being incomplete or hollow inside, y'know?). Anyways, the reason is that I long for paradise. I see beauty everywhere I look and know in my heart that it won't last, that eventually all that is beautiful and good will fade and leave me once again with nothing. That's why sad, horrible things have no real effect on me, because I see this reality, that is human existence on our plain, as having only two real constants: pain and death. Death I don't worry about because the way I see it, I have three options: 1) I go to Heaven, no problem there, 2) I go to Hell, in that case I was right all along so that's cool too, and 3) There's nothing after death, in that case, at least it doesn't hurt anymore. It's the pain part that gets me, not physical pain mind you, but that kind of pain that just nags at you until you can't take it anymore and you want to slit your wrists just to break up the monotony. That's what gets to me the most. I suppose that it could also be that I feel pain because I feel bad that I don't feel anything (I know it's a paradox but work with me). Like when I was dating my best friend and she broke up with me, I wanted to hurt, I needed to feel some modicum of sadness but I felt nothing, no loss, no pain, not a damn thing. And the same thing when my step-father died. He was the only real father I had ever known and I didn't feel shit. As a matter of fact, my exact words upon finding out the he had died were: "That sucks." Even when I was like five and my grandpa died, nothing. I'm a cold, inhuman, unfeeling, horrible thing and it makes me feel empty and seperate and lonely. Like in me the space in most people where emotions are stored is just an empty void that can never be filled. I suppose that's what happens when to you happiness is just some fleeting shadow.
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