Monday, May 7, 2007

   I Just Don't Get It
I feel like I've done something completely wrong. Maybe its because its Monday or whatever . . . but everyone seemed like they didn't want to be around me. I felt so . . . faraway while I was sitting right there in choir between Rachael and Lizzie and NOT TALKING!

Rachael seemed completely far out today, like I was the last person she wanted to talk to. I wanted to ask her what was wrong, whether she was upset with me about something I've done during the weekend.

I mean, I was a bit tired but I had fun sitting with her and her mom and just talking. Like I don't have to bottle everything up like I usually do. Replaying everything I could've done and said. . .

So, I just let her be her little distant self, since she was probably sick of me anyway. But it still kinda hurt, ya know? Since sometimes I feel like the only people worthwhile in my life are her and Neil and Michelle (Can't forget Mich <3). Since my relationship with Lizzie is once again in the cataracts.

And Rachael, if you're reading this, I don't want some little comment about how its not my fault and stuff, because despite what you think, I am not completely oblivious to body language and anything else going on.

Anyway, A minute ago, I think Rachael went invisible so I wouldn't IM her. Not that I would, I don't want to speak to someone whom I evidently have been annoying.

I've decided I need to be a new me, in the meantime. I'll be virtually starving myself with a made up sort of half diet. I have a new bike now, and even if I have no one to ride with me, I'm going to take long rides whenever I can. Mostly after Arabian Nights.

I mean, what wouldn't I do to be skinny and lusted after? I don't want a Disney Fairy Tale (much) I just want to be happy. And I was happier back when I slightly resemebled a toothpick (with the pointy top and everything).

I just don't get why everytime I feel happy I'm thrust right back into being unhappy.

Yeah, I'm sad about not getting into Split Dimensions.

Yeah, I'm mad Lizzie did.

Yeah, I'm happy I'm getting a car.

Yeah, I'm crying because I feel like no one gets me at all.

Yeah, I feel like a bitch when I ignore people.

Yeah, I feel lika a fake when I laugh and I really wanna cry.

Yeah, I feel like a jealous cow at the thought you're getting the one thing that I want . . .

But why does every fucking time I feel like someone accepted. . . do you kick me back out again?