Wednesday, September 14, 2005

   Becoming an adult
It seems I'm finally becoming what I hate. A grown-up who cleans, does the laundry and puts an extreme effort in picking the correct curtains for the kitchen. The worst thing about it is that I'm fucking enjoying it!
I got this feeling when me and my boyfriend came home from a one week visit to my best buddy far away. We got home tired from the long trip, and I decided, when I saw the fucking mess in his apartment, that we would clean it completly. So we did... it took about two days! But afterwards it looked so nice! I bought washing powder and did the laundry as well. And when we were done with everything, it felt as though I had made it my home and I started caring more about how it looked. Even though I AM moving in there soon it felt weird. I started talking to my parents about bills, work, kitchen wares and stuff like that. I can't say I like it, but somehow it seemes necissary. But I'm NOT gonna turn into my sister and become domesticized. I'm gonna try and keep my childish mind ;)

But I am really looking foarward to moving so I can get away :P I'm sick and tired of being home. And then after living with him for a while I'll move out to my own place.
Soon I can put my plans in actions as soon as I get the driver's license. 4th october is the day... We'll see then how well I do on the final test. Not looking forward to that much... :S

Anyway... Longing for Inuyasha to continue... if it ever will continue... :P Hopefully it will! Cross my fingers!
And I want to buy all Kenshin manga books in english, but I don't have the money :( I have bought 1-3 and I keep re-reading them ^^ But since the language is diffrent than from the anime it doesn't feel quite right... but the pictures are beautiful! Kenshin is way cuter in the manga! ^^ Ureshii!
I have become a Rurouni Kenshin freak. I'm rewatching the whole anime for the 5th time now. I love it, what can I say? ^.^
So now I'm gonna continue with that and watch ep 37. Shishio Makoto is sooo UGLY!

TS
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Saturday, August 20, 2005

   All alone in a place called "Home"
I was supposed to hang with a friend today. I feel so bad, cause I haven't called him. It's the last time we can meet before he starts studying an a town almost 10 swedish miles away. After that we problably won't see eachother that often. But I can't bring myself to pick up the phone. I don't want to do anything at all, it feels tough. All I want to do is run away to my boyfriend I haven't seen for a little more than a month. I feel trapped here at home. Trapped in a place I can't feel, I can't smile... When I'm with him, I can breathe, I can relax and just do whatever I want to do. Here I just want to hide... so many do's, so many dont's. But I haven't lost hope. My best buddy, who is now living far far away from me, is coming up here to visit next week. I miss her so much, I haven't seen her since she moved just after graduation. She's been like the other half of me and now she's far away. But she's coming here soon.

And soon... soon I'll move in with my boyfriend and then I never have to miss him again. I have to keep my hopes up. I can't let myself fall, but it's hard. I don't want to be alone. It would have been better if I was all alone someplace where I can miss the people I love by myself, but instead I'm in a place where I'm forced to fake a smile, forced to keep it all in. That makes me feel even more alone.

Stop isolating your heart
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Saturday, July 2, 2005

   The ultimate evil: myself
I was out drinking last night. It was fun, but it was kinda hard for me not to show my sadness. But I tried my best so that I wouldn't ruin Dan's last night in Sollefteå. But when I entered the bar's toilet for the third time to take a piss, I had a panicattack and started crying. Then I gathered what was left of my courage, fixed my make-up and got out there again laughing and enjoying myself.
I keep asking myself why... maybe I'm afraid of being left alone, or of being surrounded by people who doesn't understand me. I can't trust my own feelings anymore. I think I have problems with my boyfriend, or maybe I'm making them up..?
I miss my best friend... I could speak to her diectly from my heart and she'd listen... always. I'll never find another friend like her.
I hear this voice in my head. It tells me things, and mostly I just tune it out and don't listen, but when it's late at night and I'm alone it's harder for me to ignore it. It tells me that I'm alone, that nobody misses me, that my boyfriend is tired of me and that everyone thinks that I'm a pain in the ass etc.
I try to tell the voice that it's not true, but it's almost like certain actions become evidence that it is true. "He hasn't called you in five days, he's tired of you." "He never wants to visit you, he doesn't really miss you." Somehow... right then, it makes sense.

I talked to him on the phone last night. I really shouldn't have, but I did, and we talked about it and I made him feel bad... like I always do.
Why do I do that? Why do I hurt the person I love the most... who loves me the most?

I wish I was strong... I wish I was tough, but I'm not. I'm only a scared little girl...

I'll probably regret writing tomorrow... but it might be for the best anyway...
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Thursday, June 9, 2005

   Miyavi
Visited a friend of mine last weekend called Jessica. We watched anime, talked and listened to music. She infected me with Miyavi. She showed me the music video to Jibun kakumei, and I fell in love! He is soooo cute! It shouldn't be legal to be that cute! So when I got home i emidiatly downloaded his music and the video to Jibun kakumei...
And I've passed it on to my dear friend Marre, she fell in love too. ^^ Cute, so cute!!!
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Thursday, May 19, 2005

   Hellish Day
Mataku... what a day I had today.

I have been studying to this oral exam I was having today. Not being able to relax all day och feeling uneasy and nervous didn't make things easier. When I met the teacher, I found out that I studied the wrong chapters! But... my nice teacher agreed to hear me on the chapters I had studied and at the end of the session he told me I had the qualifacations to pass his class!

That was good news, but I still couldn't relax after that.
I had to find a friend I had lent som money to the day before. I found out she wasn't at school today, so I panicked, because I needed that money to buy tickets to the prom! Today was last chance! But then I finally got a hold of my boyfriend and he transferred some money to my account. I took out the money and went straight to the place where they sold he tickets, and I was in a hurry too, cause I had a bus to catch. When got there I found that some money were missing! So I still didn't have enough money! But they gave me the tickets anyway and said i could pay the rest tomorrow. Then I rushed over to the bus and made it just in time! Then I called my boyfriend and told him what happened. He was really disappointed and his voice sounded cold when he spoke to me. I felt so disappointed in myself.
Add to all that the pressure of unfinished schoolprojects and stuff like that that has had to be done. I still have some left... I'm so tired... I want to sleep now...

So this day sucked bigtime! I hereby declare this day my unlucky/unhappy day...
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