myOtaku.com: Tintin Silver

myO Still <3's You

Vitals

Birthday
• 1986-10-16
Gender
• Female
Location
• Sweden
Member Since
• 2005-04-07
Occupation
• Unemployed (and broke)
Real Name
• Tintin

Personal

Achievements
• none :(
Anime Fan Since
• Three years ago... but I've always been a fan of Asian culture
Favorite Anime
• Inuyasha, Rurouni Kenshin, Chrno Crusade, Hellsing, Getbackers, Fushigi Yuugi, Onegai Teacher, I My Me Strawberry eggs, DN Angel, Eramentar Gerad, Sukisyo, Gravitation
Goals
• Buying Inuyasha on DVD, and Rurouni Kenshin manga pockets trans to eng
Hobbies
• Watching anime (duh!), sex, watching movies, reading (manga or books), playing Guild Wars
Talents
• Openminded

myOtaku.com: Tintin Silver

Saturday, July 2, 2005

The ultimate evil: myself
I was out drinking last night. It was fun, but it was kinda hard for me not to show my sadness. But I tried my best so that I wouldn't ruin Dan's last night in Sollefteå. But when I entered the bar's toilet for the third time to take a piss, I had a panicattack and started crying. Then I gathered what was left of my courage, fixed my make-up and got out there again laughing and enjoying myself.
I keep asking myself why... maybe I'm afraid of being left alone, or of being surrounded by people who doesn't understand me. I can't trust my own feelings anymore. I think I have problems with my boyfriend, or maybe I'm making them up..?
I miss my best friend... I could speak to her diectly from my heart and she'd listen... always. I'll never find another friend like her.
I hear this voice in my head. It tells me things, and mostly I just tune it out and don't listen, but when it's late at night and I'm alone it's harder for me to ignore it. It tells me that I'm alone, that nobody misses me, that my boyfriend is tired of me and that everyone thinks that I'm a pain in the ass etc.
I try to tell the voice that it's not true, but it's almost like certain actions become evidence that it is true. "He hasn't called you in five days, he's tired of you." "He never wants to visit you, he doesn't really miss you." Somehow... right then, it makes sense.

I talked to him on the phone last night. I really shouldn't have, but I did, and we talked about it and I made him feel bad... like I always do.
Why do I do that? Why do I hurt the person I love the most... who loves me the most?

I wish I was strong... I wish I was tough, but I'm not. I'm only a scared little girl...

I'll probably regret writing tomorrow... but it might be for the best anyway...
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