Saturday, December 3, 2005

Fushigi Yugi Vol.15
i think dis is vol. 15
im not sure, but i think so
i read it like 3 months ago
anyve, do any of u still read dis comic?
here's a preview:
*read right to left*
1 2 3 4 5 6 7
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   The Wallflower
dis book is sooooo funny LOL
4 real, u guys should check out dis comic
i'll die laughing LOL
here's 1 of da many jokes
*read from right to left*

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Wednesday, November 23, 2005

   The “Joke” I Said to My Dad
another school eassy....*sigh*
i dont expect u 2 read dis, & dis is not a happy topic

Sitting quietly on the wooden floor inside a hut, which was located near the Lao temple, listening to my dad greeting my friend’s grandpa and led on to conversation, I thought of a joke to say to my dad. I wasn’t sure if the joke would be funny for others, but I thought it would be for me. While I was debating over myself whether I should try it or not, my dad reached out to touch me (like fathers do). Decided to try the joke now or regret it forever, I backed away from him.
“What’s wrong?” he asked playfully.
“I don’t want you to touch me,” I answered plainly.
“Why? I missed you. I want to hug you,” he replied and reaching out to touch me again. I was kind of touched by the words, but disgusted that they had come from him.
“I don’t want you to. I don’t want your germs on me,” I answered quite calmly with a little disgust, not feeling any guilt or regrets while backing away from him again.
Not being able to hear what the last sentence was since I said it quietly, he asked: “What did you say?”
“I don’t want to catch your germs and disease,” I said it more loudly. That was the joke that I had in mind. He had some kind of disease or problems with his back, and that was why I thought I’d make a joke about it. Luckily, he and my friend’s grandpa laughed and took it as a joke. I, however, did not laugh with them because the humor of it was no longer in my mind anymore since it was said out loud (though I thought that it would be a joke at first). I actually meant it after I said it. I did not want him to touch me at all when I realized what I said and did. This got worse when I went back to our apartment at the end of the summer because that was when I started to realize that I hated him.
Since that day forward, I hid away from him everywhere. Inside the apartment, I would cover my face with my hands or with anything that I happened to be holding when I saw him. He disgusted me whenever I looked at him, even for half a second. I also did not want to breathe the same air as him, because, in my opinion, he stank. Whenever I saw him, whether inside the apartment, inside someone’s house, or out in public, my hands, or something in them (if I was holding anything) would fly up to cover my face automatically as if they knew how to act without me thinking. I would try to stay away from him as much as possible so that I wouldn’t have to go through the process of covering my face and trying to find a place to hide.
Covering my face wasn’t good enough to satisfy me; I stopped talking to him completely. Since seeing him disgusted me already, talking to him would be just as bad. If I wanted to say something to him, or tell him something, I would either tell my brother or his mom to tell him what I wanted to say, or I would write it down on a piece of paper and throw it to him.
Everything he did and said annoyed me. When he was talking, I didn’t want to breathe anything in because I didn’t want anything that came out from him, even his breath. Some of the things that he did not only annoyed me, but also some other people, too. For example: he farted whenever he felt like it, except in public; he sneezed too much and too loud; and he said stupid meaningless things. The sound of his fart was almost like the house was going to collapse. If you were eating something, but then was interrupted by his fart, you would most likely be losing your appetite. The sound of his sneeze was almost like the sound of thunder that could be heard at least 30ft away. His stupid meaningless made up words (for example: when he was cold, one of the phases he would say was “ka-ja, ka-ja, ka-ja”) was annoying enough to make people yell “Shut up!” at him. These things didn’t annoy me that much at first, but then they became really irritating when I started hating him. From then on, everything he did annoyed me, except for when he gave me money. I did not want to accept anything from him, even his money because I would feel nauseated for accepting anything from him. Therefore, I gave my brother his money, and took my brother’s money instead.
My hatred for him grew more and more each day. The horrible memories of him beating me up and the hatred that I felt during those times had made up all of this. I couldn’t even describe it without cursing the whole time. I hated myself for what I had done for him. Fore example, I used to bow to him because the landlady forced me to. The hatred for the landlady making me do those things was inside me, too, but I couldn’t stay mad at her for long because I liked her more than any other adults I’d met. For him, I hated everything that he had made me do. For example, during this one beating, he made me bow to his feet and say something about “I’m sorry, I would never do it again. I’m sorry.” Though I don’t remember what I was saying sorry for right now because I want to forget about it, I can still remember how much hatred I had for him. My anger was boiling hot inside me like hell, mixing with humiliation. Thinking that any place would be better than this, I wanted to die. However, I wouldn’t because when I calmed down, the thought of committing suicide scared me.
The hatred kept on growing, never backing down, not even for an inch. People tried to talk me out of hating him, but that had not only made me hate him even more, it also made me hate them (a little) for taking his side. Though despite that, their questions made me wonder if I had any other reasons beside the beatings.
“Why do you hate your dad?” asked one of the adults who tried to persuade me. “He is your dad. Your parents love you. If they don’t, who will?”
Lowering my head so that the person wouldn’t be able to see my face so well, I frowned. Oh God, I thought, not another one of these lectures! Those people who tried to persuade me out of hating him were getting really annoying. I tried to ignore what the person’s saying, but I couldn’t because the person’s questions were quite stupid.
“What don’t you like about him? You can tell me what you don’t like about him, and I’ll tell him to change,” recommended the persuader. The person waited for my answers, I did not reply, and so the person just kept on talking and trying to persuade me. Though I did not answer out loud, I answered inside my head. People like you would never understand my reasons. You don’t even know what’s on a child’s mind. Though if I would answer you, you would just think my reasons are just plain stupid. Besides, I told some other persuaders some of my reasons and what I hate about him, and he had not changed at all. He’s not even trying! Aw, just shut up already! Like hell you can persuade me. Let me see, what I don’t like about him? He beat me up since I was small as I could remember! He farted too much, he sneezed too much, he stinks, he gets mad easily, and much much more! More than you could ever imagine! Ahhh! Be quiet already! God, when will this lecture end? I would not say that out loud, of course, because I had to show respect or else they would discipline me ten times than they would normally do. Besides, I didn’t want them to get close enough to have me under their control more than I already was. With that, I just kept my mouth shut and prayed that the lecture would end soon.
Since the day I said the joke, I have been hating him. People had tried to talk to me out of the hating, but all of them failed. I was and am stubborn, and I would never back down. Though I wouldn’t listen to them, their questions also made me wonder why I dislike him. With most reasons I came up with made we hate him even more. Everything he did annoyed me and I would try to hide away from him. He is the only person who I hate the most for the longest time in this whole world. The thought of him disgusted me that made me think I might not be able to eat for months and would have nightmares if I had to look at him for one minute. Since I’ve been hating him for so long, I can suppress my feelings a little bit now, though I’m more stubborn than ever before.
At the first time I realized I hate him, I was still scared of him. Throughout the years, the fear came to an end that he doesn’t scare me at all. When he gets angry, then I would get even more angry than he could be; when he’s nice, I would ignore him and hope that he wouldn’t get angry soon because that would to ruin my mood and make me angry enough to destroy anything. Since the time I overcame my fear of him, I became more independent and a little more cheerful in my own way because I get to do and have almost anything I want. For example: I would ignore him completely that would make him really angry (but I don’t care) and I get to keep on taking Tae Kwon Do class until I got to be a black belt.
If it wasn’t for the “joke,” then my life would never have been as good as this: free from his control.

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Thursday, November 17, 2005

   Hey, ppl&
how sis going every1?
it's been a really long time since i last post
i've been super busy
i've been getting less sleep most:7hrs (by accident cus i couldnt wake up) least:2 1/2 hrs
i woke up really really late twice, & was almost late 4 school
those 2 were 2 of the most disaterous (i dont think dat's a word, o well) morning of my life
& i've been falling asleep in bio & math class lately
i feel embrass now dat i think back & think about ppl looking @ me sleeping =~_~= lol
o, i just moved 2 a new house last weekend
i really like my new house, it's nice 2 finally have a big place 2 put stuff in
BUT!!!!!!! da heater's kinna broken, & it's so FREAKING COLD! im about 2 turn into an ice here
jeez, & when it's cold, i dont feel like exercising. so, i've been gettin fat. WAAAAA TOT

here's a new poem dat i wrote:
Losing Him

Not wanting to let go
But she can’t stay
It’s already too late
For her to pray

Letting go of his hands
Shaking with fears
Looking into his eyes
With running tears

They’re taking him away
Out of her site
Wanting to get him back
But I can’t fight

There’s noting she can do
She wants to die
But she made a promise
That can’t be hide

Promising to take care
Of their baby
Promising to guide it
What it can’t see

Promising that he well
Be bake someday
Promising they will meet
Along the bay

Sucking up all her fears
All of her fears
She’s holding her head high
Saying, “Good bye”

i no it's kinna confusing, but...o well
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Tuesday, November 1, 2005

   Dream Away
i kept on falling asleep my my bio class
it's frustrating cos i hurt my teacher's feeling, & im also not learning a lot since i kept on falling asleep
2day, da teacher gave us 15 min of free time 2 do anything we want
i was VERY sleepy, so i took a nap
i woke up about 30 sec. b4 da time was up
& suddenly, i wanna write a poem
i started w/ da 1st 5 lines in about 30 sec.
& i finish up da rest @ home
i sound boring, sorry ~_~"

My eye lids are closing
Dreaming my way through
To a place of peaceful
Grateful to get away
Day I’ve been waiting for
More than anything else
Out of this horrible place
Get to be by myself
Melt into the lightness
Bless with this wonderful dream
Seems like I’m happy
Ready to die anytime
Harm could never reach
Meet with a lot of nice people
Oh…I gotta go
Adios

did any1 notice da pattern?
da last word of each line rhymes w/ da 1st word of da next line^^
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Tuesday, October 25, 2005

   My Mini Manga
hello ppl^^
it's been a long time since i had post & since i check out yur sites
anyve, i'll check out yur sites soon, or may b 2morrow

ok, i wrote/draw dis mini manga like 4 months ago & i had just decided 2 share it w/ u guys
da drawings & story r kinna crapy, i no
& i didn even use screetones (T.T o, well)
it was such a pain 2 do dis cus i was still in school & i finished it b4 my exams lol
it took me like 3 months 2 do dis (too long...)
anyve, i hope u would read dis & tell me wat u think of it
& PLEASE be honest! if there'r some parts dat r bad, please pt. it out just so i would no if any1 thinks it's bad too
well, im gonna let u read it now
& it's read from RIGHT TO LEFT!

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10
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Saturday, October 15, 2005

   lol Check Out This Site
i love dis site:D lol

Why Kikyou is the Best?
Why Naraky is the Best?
Why Sesshoumaru is the Best?
Why Bankotsu is the Best?

Victims of Sexual Harassment

InuYasha Memory Game
Inuyasha Arcade Game i love dis game, it's so fun 2 play^^
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Monday, October 10, 2005

No One To
i felt like i had 2 write a poem so bad yesterde
so this is 1 of da poems d8 i came up w/
hope u like it^^

No one to stay by my side
No one to hear me when I cry
No one to wrap away my tears
No one to chase away my fears

No one to talk to in worst time
No one to keep me safe from harm
No one to keep on promising
No one to hear me when I sing

No one to turn to for advice
No one to tell me if I’m right
No one to tell my secrets to
No one is right for me but you

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Sunday, October 9, 2005

   School Essay
ok, dis essay is from 1 of my writing class
my teacher said dat i have 2 go public (means dat i have 2 show it 2 da public) w/ 3 of my essays by da end of da semester
so, dis it 1 of them
i suggest dat u dont read dis unless u'r REALLY REALLY BORED & have nothing better 2 do
but if u do.....tell me wat u think about it (tho i doubt it)


Drawing Japanese Animation
Holding a pencil in my right hand, focusing on the picture of a character in front of me, my mind thought nothing except to concentrate on my drawing. I was so focused on my drawing, thinking where each line should go and where to connect the lines, that I missed the feeling of something that I wouldn’t usually miss, and that was a presence of someone.
“Dang, girl, that’s good,” my friend, Claudia, startled me with that comment out loud that the whole class heard her. “That’s the character from Card Captor Sakura, right?” asked Claudia while the whole class rushed to my seat to take a look at my drawing.
“Uh-huh, yeah,” I replied with a cool tone since nothing seem to come to my mind because there were a bunch of people surrounding my seat. I was feeling so hot and sweaty both inside and outside of my body that I didn’t know what to do or what to say in front of the people. Ah…ok…thanks guys. But this drawing isn’t that good, you know. I can point out the mistakes that I made.
That was what I planned to say when people started saying “That’s really good, Chanthaphone” to me, or saying “She’s really good” among each other, but nothing came out of my mouth besides the word “Thanks” along with my cheeks turning tomato red.
With the good comments from my friends and my classmates, I started to feel proud and had more confidence in myself with drawing. I became fonder of Japanese animations and drawing the characters like fat kid love candies which was all I that could ever think about. When I thought about animes, my mind would be full of a lot of happy emotions, but also full of nothing at the same time as if my mind was blank of happiness. I would either smile, or laugh out loud softly when I thought about the funny parts from an anime. Those thoughts also calm me down when I was mad or upset because of the funniness of it would almost always make me laugh.
My teachers in my classes were talking, but I couldn’t really make out of what they were saying. My mind was drifting away somewhere else, thinking about animes, the stories, the fantasies, and about the characters. I kept on thinking about them so much that I wanted to be part of the story and the fantasy. That was probably what I wanted the most out of anything in the world.
As days went by, I started drawing more and more because I fell in love with the characters in the animations that I felt the need to draw them not only because I wanted to improve my drawings, but also because I wanted to get to know more about the characters. If I didn’t get to draw at least one drawing, then my mind would start to go a little crazy. I would start feeling guilty and kept on thinking about what I should have done what I could have done, and I would also start to get mad at myself for not listing to myself as if I were to blame for everything. If I felt guilty enough, then I wouldn’t care bout anything else; I would just pick up a paper and a pencil and would started drawing, not thinking nor caring about what would happen to me, or what people would say like ignoring the soft wind in the sky. Though I know that I should think twice about what I was doing, I wouldn’t regret that I was drawing something. I just wanted to get the guilty feeling out of me, and start feeling like I was living in a dream again by thinking about animes and had no other thoughts to interrupt me.
When I look straight into my drawings, I could see that my drawings were starting to improve. My characters’ faces were actually starting to look like a face, the bodies that were starting to look like a body, fingers that were starting to look like fingers, and other body parts. There would be a big, bright beam on my face, my heart would start pumping a little faster, and my mind would be full of happiness that I couldn’t really make out what I was thinking. Though my mind was full of happiness and me being proud with my drawings, there were still doubts that kept on pushing themselves into my happy thoughts. I tried to push those doubts away, but it always came back no matter how hard I tried. Looking back at my drawing in front of me, I could feel that those doubts were still there. That was when I decided that I would really look at my drawings carefully; not looking at the goodness of it, instead, I looked at the parts where the doubts kept on pushing me to look at. I then knew why the doubts were in my head because I started to realize and admitted the mistakes that I had made in my drawings.
By looking at my drawings, I could see that there was something wrong with them like seeing a 30 years old still going to high school. Despite what people said about how good my drawings were, I could see all the mistakes I made which would always make me feel uneasy like I was having a bad dream. I didn’t want to accept the fact that my drawings weren’t as good as the pro, but I had to accept it because I couldn’t keep on pretending that my drawings were good as I thought they were, or else those doubts would just start to come back into my head and I would start feeling guilty. Taking some time to think about how I could improve my drawings, I thought that maybe I should start pushing myself to my limit to improve my drawings even more. Thus, I started to check out books from the library that teach you how to draw Japanese animations.
All of the books showed me the same basics, which started to annoy me. The irritation was building up so high that I actually yelled at one of the books that I was reading: Man! Is there any book that doesn’t show me these same basics? Ahhh! Stop with these damn techniques already! OK! Fine! I’ll give it a try if it’s “SO” effective that the pros even use it.
Picking up my sketch book and grabbing my pencil and an eraser, I sat on my comfy bed, and started thinking about how I wanted my character (female) to be and also drawing the basics at the same time. I thought that I would start with the head basic first and then the body later. For the head basic, I drew an egg shape oval first, and then I drew a vertical line in the middle of the oval to make my character turn to the side that I wanted her to, and that was straight in front of me. After that, I drew a horizontal line in the middle to determine where my character’s eyes should be. When I was done with that basic, I started to draw in her eyes, her eyebrows, her pointed nose, her lips, her short wavy hairs that went down to about her shoulder’s height, and her ears. The drawing came out looking somewhat quite professional even though it was only a rough sketch, which made me feel like I was a pro and led me to think that I could accomplish anything. I had to keep on telling myself that it was only a sketch to reduce the feeling of being high because I would get high whenever I was feeling happy.
After I was done drawing my female character’s head, I started to think about the body basic. I wondered whether I should draw my character’s whole body, or half of her body. I couldn’t really decide at first because one part of my brain said that I should draw her whole body so that I would learn how to draw the whole body; but the other part said that I should draw half of her body because drawing the whole body would be quite challenging for myself since I was still a beginner, and that I should learn it step by step. I didn’t really know what to do, so I just went with my instinct like an animal which was to draw half of its body because I was only a beginner and I thought that I should take it easy. Besides, I wanted to finish the drawing quickly so that I could see the outcome of how effective the basics could be.
Erasing lines of mistakes after lines of mistake, the body basic was more complicated than I thought it would be, and it took me longer than I expected. Hold on, this doesn’t look right. May be I should move this line to the left a little, I gave myself a suggestion of how to fix my own mistakes; somehow, it got somewhat worst than before. Whenever I tried to fix my mistakes, it got worse most of the time. I was feeling so frustrated and annoyed that I thought nothing I fixed could ever go right, and that made me just want to give up on it. But there was an uneasy feeling inside me that kept on telling me not to give up; and I already knew that I didn’t really want to give up on it because of the irritation. The mistakes irritated me such much that I had to fix it to make it right, or else I wouldn’t be able to do anything peacefully. The feeling was like I want to give up, but I also didn’t want to give up. You’re so weird, I thought to myself, but I tired to fix the mistakes anyway.
Somehow, later on, my irritation was starting to drift away; I was starting to feel relaxation in my mind and my body, and started to enjoy drawing more than when I started drawing the head basic. Before I knew it, I was done with my drawing. The sketch came out great, and most of the lines were in their right place where I wanted them to be in the first place. Feeling how happy I was, I kept on smiling and thinking of nothing because nothing seems to come to my mind besides being happy and proud. Besides, I was concentrating on inking my drawing so that I wouldn’t make mistakes, which would totally ruin my happiness if that were to happen. After the inking part was done, I picked up my eraser and started erasing the pencil lines. Erasing and wiping away the waste of the eraser, I could start to see my drawing more clearly. An excitement was raising each time I tried to look at my drawing like I was expecting something really good to happen. After I was totally done with erasing, I just looked straight into my drawing. Unable to tear my eyes away from it, I just stared with amazement in my eyes at my first drawing using the basics. For a second, my mind seemed blank; then, a big, proud, happy smile came across my face. Dang, girl, this is really good! I complimented myself. I was feeling really happy that I went high and I just wanted to jump around, (but I couldn’t because I didn’t want to disturb my neighbor who lived downstairs). Not only was I feeling happy, I was also feeling like I was a pro though I knew that I wasn’t even close to being one yet.
Since that day on, I always started out with the basics, and my drawings became much better than before, which made me very happy and quite satisfied with myself like I was feeling on top of the world. Whenever I took a glance at some my finished artworks, a big smile would be on my face, thinking about how my drawings were really improving, and I would feel like I was in heaven.
I love to draw Japanese animations so much that that was all I could ever think about most of the time, even now I feel like that. Looking back at my old artworks now, I could see how badly they were compared to my artworks right now like comparing hand written papers to typed papers. How could my classmates and my friends had said that my artworks were good, when they were not even close to being good? Could they possibly have been lying to me? I don’t know. But then again, without their support, I possibly wouldn’t be this good at drawing Japanese animations. Thinking back at the time when I made fun of the basics, I wanted to laugh at myself for making fun of them. I don’t think my drawings would be as good as they are now without using the basics; so, I’m glad that I tried out the basics.
Drawing Japanese animations is my life. I can’t think of anything else that I would like as a career besides drawing animations. If I’m not able to read Japanese comic books and draw the characters for about two or three weeks, I wouldn’t feel like myself and my mind would start going a little crazy, along with the negative thoughts coming to my mind, such as anxiety, anger, and frustration. I wouldn’t mind drawing Japanese animations for the rest of my life, because whenever I draw, I feel like I’m living in a dream, a dream which I never really want to wake up from. My characters were (and they’re still are) starting to become real to me, and I would fall in love with them like nothing could separate a perfect couple apart. That was probably why only drawing animations seem to calm me down most of the time when something unpleasant happened. Though drawing might be tiring and restless sometimes, I wouldn’t regret it because there’s nothing else that I’m really good at, and actually like and enjoy the most besides drawing Japanese animations.

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How You Life Your Life

You seem to be straight forward, but you keep a lot inside. You tend to avoid confrontation and stay away from sticky situations. You prefer a variety of friends and tend to change friends quickly. You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

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