Tuesday, September 7, 2004

I fucked up in life... and there's no life doctor to call...

	I have alot to say and I know alot of people don't read this and won't read this so I dunno why I bother posting but I have to get a few hundred things off my chest. So fuck you if you're not reading this. FIrst off, this weekend and following days have been total shit. First I get 2 full days of hurricane Frances the fucker, which wasn't bad itself cause we didn't lose power or anything like that, I was just stuck at home 4 days with J.J. with NOTHING to do. Regardless bad things happened. J.J. and I broke up today because I fucked up. I am so fucked up in the head that I did something I shouldn't have. I didn't cheat on him or anything, I just did something I shouldn't have and lied about it. If you absolutely truely want to know, then go read his life journal, though I rather you don't, I'd rather it not have been posted for the world to see. I'd like to keep my fucked up self between me, him, and our good friends. But he felt the need to post it, so go have a laugh fuckers. It doesn't matter anyway, its all my fault... I'm offcially screwed up the one thing in my life that matters most, and while there is a chance to reconsile and make things better, it's going to take time for him to regain his trust in me. But time has always been my enemy.... Me and Time do not get along very well. And I'm afraid time may not be on my side in this... But all I can do is wait... show him I truely do love him even though all this went down... even though I lied about it... even though it's all my fault... I have done all I can to fix it. I'm thinking about going to a therapist though... I dunno what they would say, but I need someone to tell me why I'm so fucked up... It'd be nice to know so I don't do this again. Then again I think I already know the answer, but no one believes it. We both love each other very much, I just have problems that I need to work out before we can be together again... Second, I hate my job. Well I don't hate it, I hate the people that come there and I hate some of the people that work there. I hate the fact NO ONE listens to me there. I've worked there 3 and half years. I think I know what the hell I'm doing, yet no one listens to me. I can run that fuckin place 800 times better than any of my bosses and I wouldn't even be an asshole about it. I'm fuckin tired of it. It's an uncomfortable workplace... standing all the time does no good for my knees, which begin to hurt so much I can't stand after 2 hours. Not only that it begins to get well over 90 degrees... to you in the western states thats probably nothing, but to the humidity of florida it feels like you're taken a bath in your own dirty sweat. It's disgusting... i really want to quit, but I don't think I can get a decent job now that will let me work the hours I want since I go to school full time. My boyfriend... or my ex... or I don't even know anymore... says I need to open up more. Thats the reason things went the way they did the last few days. I'm not open. So I'm gonna be open. I fuckin dislike my dad very much. I won't say hate because that would imply i don't love him, which isn't true, but sometimes I wonder why I love him the way he treats me sometimes. He feels the need to belittle me any chance he gets. He feels the need to explain things IN FULL because apparently I'm not fuckin smart enough to get it when you say turn the dial to the left and push for the correct dryer settings for my clothes... no he has to go through and explain why I then shouldn't hit any other button cause that'll just fuck things up. Then when he doesn't explain anything at all and I do something wrong, he goes and yells that I fucked it up. He over exaplains thigns I don't need to know everything about and he doesn't explain enough about things I need more explaining on... He says I'm lazy all the time cause I won't do stuff... I won't do it cause I'll do it wrong and then I'll get yelled at so why bother doing it at all. Its liek when I put dishes away in the dishwasher or clean my bathroom, he'll come in not 5 minutes later and do it all again cause I did it wrong apparently. I'm sorry, I didn't know the plastic cups had to be on the right and the glass ones on the left. Fuck me! He asks me to do stuff and then after I do it he goes back and changes everything I did. WHY THE FUCK DO YOU BOTHER ASKING if your just gonna go back and change it all. Do you know how discouraging that is to someone? Apparently I'm living my life all wrong, why don't you come fix it for me and while your at it, come back and live it for me too. And why can't I say this all to his face... because I don't have the guts to. I don't have the balls to go up to my father and tell him he's been a lousy sack of dog shit my whole life. That would make him mad... it would make me mad, and my mother would be stuck in the middle. I'd rather be hurt everytime then to hurt my mom and my dad that way. I can't be like that. I just don't know to do with my life anymore... I feel like I lost all control over it... And I don't have anyone here to talk to about it anymore... My best friend moved away, not that we ever talk about this kinda stuff... I can't talk to my mom about how much I can't stand my dad... and my boyfriend... well I don't think he wants to see me now, nor do I think he wants me to just let everything out on his shoulders. Its time like this I really need someone and I don't have anyone... I don't know how to be more open with people when I don't have anyone to be open with... I never talk about anything because I'm always ashamed of how I feel, who I am, and what I think. I know I shouldn't be... but I am. And now I have more reason to be... J.J., I dunno if you're reading this or not but I love you. I always will and I never ever meant to hurt you. I know you love me to and I'm asking you to help me through this cause I really need you to. I know it's all my fault that this even happened to begin with, so it doesn't seem fair to ask for your help to fix it after all I've done. But I'm hoping love comes over all things. And I'm hoping our love can come over this. That sounds absolutely corny and right out of some romance novel, but its really truely how I feel. I love you. Sorry this was so long... but I needed to say it. Song of the Moment: Ashamed

Comments (1)