Wednesday, December 10, 2008

LOL: Christian Right Review of The Blair Witch Project
(not mine, i copied it from the site Click here , everything in parenthesis is my addition, exept for a few places i will try to clearify )


Blair Witch Project: Satan Wins (As Usual) at the Box Office

Film Review

If I ruin the story for you, I don't care. You shouldn't go see it anyway, and if by the grace of God you are a Landover member, you are commanded to stay away from all secular movies. Yet with all the publicity this thing's been getting, I thought it was necessary to let you know the TRUTH about yet another of the iniquities Satan, Hollywood and the liberal elite have wrought.

Movie critics of the liberal media say that this movie is "Scary as Hell!" That's supposed to make people come and pay money to see it. Evidently millions of them ARE paying money to see it. And just think: most, if not all, of them are GOING to Hell anyway - FOR FREE! What WON'T these ungodly people pay to see? What they'll pay to see is sinfulness and wretchedness and snot, that's what they'll pay to see.

This movie should've been titled "The Foul-mouthed Little Politically-Correct Liberal Heathens Project."

A bunch of old films and videos taken by some college students are stuck together to make ninety minutes of pure evil. The photography was awful and shaky. Little Tommy Joe Hensley did a better job taking movies with his daddy's video camera at Vacation Bible School. I just thank the Lord I had a couple of Dramamine pills left in my purse from that last bus trip with the choir.

The story is supposed to be about "innocent" young people (a girl and two boys unconcerned about avoiding "all appearance of evil"-- 1Thes:5:22) meeting up with Satan's occult forces. This film showed the politically correct, liberal mentality in action, with a big dollop of sin thrown into the mix. There were also thinly veiled calls for taking away our guns, suggestions of the New World Order, and demands to release child molesters from prison and raise the taxes of working families.

Here are just a few of the blasphemies and abominations (with the Holy Scripture to prove it!) that are featured in this movie:

· Men with long hair and a woman wearing jeans (Deuteronomy 22:5)
(Twili: SCANDALOUS!!)
· A woman as the leader of a group of men (I Corinthians 11:3)
(Twili: god must be a sexist jerk)
· Working on a Sunday (Exodus 31:15)
(Twili: we all get bored sometimes)
· Men and woman unchaperoned in the woods on an overnight camping trip (Mark 7:21 and many other verses)
(Twili: its not like they do anything!)
· Talking about taking dope and drinking wine (Proverbs 20:1)
· Trying to make a movie about witches in the first place (Leviticus 19:31)
(Twili: THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!)

This awful film was full of obscenities, including the most foul of foul words, and taking The Lord's Name in vain. I had my hands over my ears about half the time and prayed against Satan at the top of my lungs every time a foul word was spoken onscreen. Then many of the liberal, pagan heathens in the audience started yelling at ME, telling me to "shush." I stood up and read my bible out loud to those heathens, (THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!!!....again) and Satan commanded them to throw popcorn and fountain Co-Colas at me. I knew that God allowed this as a test of my faith.

They also yelled at me for clicking my "Abominometer," one of them clicky-things that's like the ones we use on Sundays and Wednesday nights to count the number of folks coming to church. I clicked every time there was an abomination and the total, best I can tell, was 437 abominations and 66 blasphemes! The only missing abomination was nekidness (I think they mean 'nudity' but im not sure), but you can be sure it happened behind the scenes.
In the end, the heathen college kids DID get their just rewards, they all got killed. Served them right, and they are now burning in Hell for all eternity (love thy nieghbor) ... but Hollywood never shows that part!

- Mrs. Dora-Jean Hazlett. (Fundamentalist Film Critic & Landover Member)


More Christian News On The Blair Witch Project:

- By the grace of God, the good folks over at ChildCare Action Project, a Christian film review service, agree with us fully on this, but were a little less biblical in their review. Read their review at Blair Witch Movie Review We hope to take that project into our Landover Ministries soon, and negotiations are under way.

- Christians pray against occult activity resulting from the unexpected success of "The Blair Witch Project." Read About It Here!
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