October 24, 2006
To Whomever Found My Body;
Mom, if that's you reading this: I was actually murdered, my corpse was desecrated by those "damn, dirty, faggot, jew, muslim hippies" you always warned us as kids about, they made me write this note to cover up their horrible, heinous crime and you should stop reading now.
If your reading this and your not my mother, then most likely I am hanging by a noose from the rafters with a smile on my face, a zucchini up my ass and covered in a wad of jiz.
Damn it, I wish I wouldn't have kicked the chair so far or tied the noose so tight. Maybe I should have just sprung for a whore. Brianda, you cheap dead bastard.
Oh well, at least I died doing something I loved: Asphyxiating myself while watching Blue's Clues.
I knew I should have had a spotter,
Brianda
P.S. Just to be sure, could you check my pulse again?
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My suicide note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!