Sunday, April 29, 2007

This is never gonna end
well, I don't get it, I wanna post here again.... I want to tell you everything.... did I keep a secret? you don't know, do you? I call and you pick up, I feel lifted, I feel I can fly, I will swoop down from the sky and pick you up and fly to nowhere just hours and hours of absolutely nothing, and this is so weird... everything... was it all worth it? You say fuck yeah...... honestly, I look right back at the person who asks me the question and I have the same exact response..... Fuck yeah!!! so many things taht I want to put into words... makes no sense.... every word, every line, every touch, every smile, every day, every moment, every place, every time...... everywhere, every everything... more words that even I myself don't understand... more words.... more lines.... more messing up... more fucking a person's life up... more anger, more.... everything. everything is so fucked up and I don't understand... help me understand, tell me what I mean when I say this stuff.... tell me why I say this stuff... tell me, I beg of you, tell me why!!! Never ending.... a never ending story of my life... would make to be interesting novel, eh? I am kinda starting to wonder if you need to like to read to be able to write your own novel.... I've contemplated on trying one day to create a story in novel form... maybe include otaku in it.... but it would be more like a journal but without dates and words... it would be randomness, saying nothing, telling you who I am.... or at least who I believe I am..... or maybe who it is I really want to be the story would make no sense.... from word one you would be confuzzled, just like here, making absolutely no sense, not a little bit... I want to cry and tell you everything.... but I want to cry alone too... Never to fall asleep alone, never to live my life alone, never to fuck up, never to drink, smoke, hurt myself... never to try a drug.... I wonder how many accomplishments I could have at the end of a life time.... any idea? probably close to none... chances are that I will end up miserable... nothing making any sense, being without someone I love... sure I will grow out of whatever you think it is that I am in... but one day I know I will fall in love with a girl and she will already be happily with someone else and I will have missed out so I will have to settle for the lazy fat chick taht despises me and will do anything to make my life a living hell... the one who uses me for whatever it may be.... what does it matter? I'm not going to have any money when I get old, so stay away from me... no point coming any closer, I am going to start wearing a caution sign around my neck.... *caution, poor fat guy, stay away* ..... but I will never do taht because I think my body motions say it all... I will go once more, trying again and again to get what I want.... you don't know what I want.... or do you? I want to see you again and at the same time, I don't want you to see me... me in all my glory, watch me drink, I need a drink and I have for the past couple months really.... but I won't drink.... not too much, because then I wil get addicted and turn into the man I hate and cannot respect... I am going to stop calling him my father... should a father not be respected by his kids? is he respected by me? my sister? if so, why? definitely not by me.... now I have to ask when my friends want to come over to hang out for 30 minutes at lunch time? screw you man, I'll do what I want when I want... hasn't talked to me in days, been getting my mom to talk to me... and I told her that the man taht I do not respect can fuck off... I must sound totally out of it right now, eh? probably not sounding like myself... I love you my dear, I know it's only a thought, but it will see us through, don't cry, I will be there forever, even when your heart stops beating, I will stay with you... forever.... now just please sleep my darling, sleep, your cries for inspiration never reach the ears on distant stars... you have been discovered a liar.... So long, forgotten friends, no, you don't know the difference... Hey silly girl, I think I got a thing for you.... Here comes the promise of summer Let's seal it with a kiss This time I'll do things proper How did we get to this?... So you think you've been through it all But I can't help but wonder now Yesterday I found my worst regret I'll hide it away so no one ever knows... Please understand... This isn't just goodbye This is I can't stand you This is where the road crashed into the ocean It rises all around me And now we're barely breathing A thousand faces we'll choose to ignore... I don't, don't wanna take you home Please don't, don't make me sleep alone If I could, I'd only want to make you smile If you were to stay with me a while... I'm scraped and sober, but there's no one listening... you most likely won't get it, probably not the most popular stuff, but I think he is such a great writer, especially his stuff with this band... I'm still writing this? I started it like half an hour ago at least..... oh well, I am just taht random.... have a nice day.... you motherfuckers....
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Interesting
I saw him today... that was interesting, it really was, I couldn't explain it, my blood boiled... I grinded my teeth non-stop whenever I looked at him.... He didn't recognize me though. Man it's weird.... it seems that I hate the ones who hurt the ones that I care about.... I know it may not make much sense, but I wanted to go up to him and punch him in the face and telling him that he deserved it... What a prick... he has no idea what he lost...

I was at he mall today, saw carly and travis, that was cool, got some new wristbands, I hafta go to work soon though, I was just gonna go straight form the mall but then I decided to come home for a bit...

still missin' ya... I guess it won't stop, eh? Life is strange in so many ways...
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I miss you
Maybe it's just because it's 3 in the morning, but I all of a sudden miss you and wish you were here... I hate feeling like this, oh well, I will go to bed alone tonight and wake up for work alone.... Hope you're having fun
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Hahaha
Alright, so today mom told me why you are being such a girl lately..... I thought you were on your period, dad. but apparently you heard me say that you were a lazy drunk with no job... so let's get this straight.... you can't handle the truth? as soon as I finally say somehting about the truth you cirl up in a ball and cry? ignoring me, knowing that in the end you will fuck up even worse and taht all of this will go away... why dont' you hit me? go for it! it's the only thing right now that could make you worse, DO IT YOU LAZY FUCKING BASTARD!!! oh yeah you're too lazy to... whatever...

Was at erica's tonight... till about 2ish... I had a couple drinks... I didn't really think before doing it, I had a shot of malibu coconut rum and a couple shots of sourpuss.... obviously not enough to do anything to me... it was only a few drinks, though it did calm me down. don't put me on the spot or anything, I just thought I could use a couple drinks for a little fun... no big deal, don't be mad.

was at rachael's today.... well yesterday.... taht was fun, watched failure to launch... not a bad movie, I actually quite enjoyed it... that noodle stuff was gross but addictive! I want more, lol. I wanna hang out some more soon... it seems her mom has taken a liking to me and apparently glenn doesn't really like me so much. lol. her parents don't trust her she says... following your kid to school to make sure they are actually going to school? taht's a little weird.... but whatever....

Tired, hafta work later today, still ain't getting my friday shifts back for a while I guess... need more money... o well
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Saturday, April 28, 2007

Yesterday stuff
hmmmmmm, wanted me to stay? or was it brett? lawl, jk. you say you want one, wondering if you meant it jokingly.... I want one too, it's kinda funny. was at erica's not too much went on, guitar hero and such... I am safe again...
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Friday, April 27, 2007

Fuck you
still ignoring me, eh? come on! you are acting so immature, I would tell you all of this to your face but I wouldn't want to instigate anything, and besides, you ain't tlaking to me... so fuck you man! and now it turns out taht you dislike my friends.... sorry rachael, it turns out taht he really does dislike you... maybe not you..... maybe it's the fact taht I hang around with you... but he is a lazy drunk and I will never show him any other respect than what he deserves. he complains about me not showing him respect... my mom talked to me today about stuff.... she asked about alcohol and drugs..... but not about other things.... weapons, gangs, blood, sex, stealing.... though I most likely would not be involved in taht stuff I wonder why it was only alcohol and drugs she asked about.... taht's fine, she believeed me and I told her the truth for the most part... o well

but yeah, my dad is a jerky-ass prick who can't seem to do very much right... erica's dad, rachael's mom...... maybe because I don't know them too well but they seem like great parents always joking around and stuff.... have they ever ignored you? for something as minor as a little bit of talking back because they don't know when to shut their damn mouths? I doubt it.... whatever... I can barely even call him my dad anymore.... he has grown distant and what kind of FATHER ignores his song? eh?
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Fine then
Fine then, whatever, don't talk to me, lose a son, it's taht fucking easy, don't blame shit on me, I fucking hate it. You could be a decent parent if you had a job, weren't a lazy ass drunk, had somewhat of a sense of humour, and actually cared about what I thought.... but you don't and you aren't.... any of those! Fuck you man, seriously, you guess things, assume things, you think you know everything but you don't know me a bit, how do you know I wasn't out drinking every night for the past 4 weeks? how do you know I ain't sneaking out at 1 in the morning to hang out with my friends? why do you hate my friends? how do you know I'm not off at parties getting drunk and making some stupid girl pregnant? well? it's retarded, I fucking hate this shit, it has to stop. You can't even acknowlege what I say or even say hi to me anymore? do I amke you that fucking uncomfortable? well here's the truth, I'm not sneaking out in the mornings and I ahven't drank in over 2 months and I am fucking proud of it, and trust me, there were several occasions where I seriously needed a drink to escape from reality, I almost snapped.... but I held myself back and I bet you don't know why... because one of these days I may get addicted to alcohol and to cigarettes, become like you, lose my job, and be a lazy fucking ass for the rest of my life, eh? well whatever, if you don't want to tlak to me, then don't, I don't give a shit. in fact kick me out of the house why don'tcha? I ahve plenty of other palces to live, with people who respect alot more, who would take better care of me more often, who wouldn't get mad when I spoke my mind... I can leave and it only takes a few minutes to pack and go... that's why I've been out so much lately... it's all your fault, because of you I never get to speak with mom anymoreand sarah is becoming a stranger to me... I am distancing myself from the entire family because of you you motherfucking asshole! whatever, leave me alone, I've had enough already, fuck.
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Thursday, April 26, 2007

You lazy fucking drunk
what the fuck kind od a question is that to ask me? seriously.... "have you been drinking tonight?" pissed me right off, he was lying about it all, he was guessing, parents guess to try to find out what the kid is doing.... for your information, it's been 2 months and 9 days since my last drink. and he hasn't spoken to me since, I walked in the door today and he started yelling, and then the next time I walked in I said I was tehre to get a paper, he just didn't talk to me a single word, I said "fine, cya later". pisses me right the fuck off, he is a such a lazy fucking drunk, I haven't drank in months and when I was drinking it was only every couple weeks... he gets drunk every night. I thought about it some more too... he really doesn't know much about me or who I am. does he know I do this stuff? what does he know about me? I am out most of the time anyway... as childish as this may sound, I truely can't wait to move out... my friends dislike him aswell. I didn't see it but apparently he gives rachael looks that aren't suggestively nice. she mnay overreact to alot of things, but I would believe it. he is just a lazy asshole with no job that no person can possibly respect... that's just sad.... it really is.
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Sunday, April 22, 2007

Really?
Wow, I really did think you knew me better than that, maybe I was wrong. or who knows? maybe you're right... if that's truely how you think of me then I don't think we can be friends anymore, you probably won't get to read this for a while, but whatever, I will talk to you tonight and maybe everything will turn out okay... I don't want to lose the only real friend I have ever had. if it is going to be like this I can only think of one solution, and taht is to prove you taht you are wrong!

Fuck, I lost my wallet this morning when I went to tim's.... all my stuff was in there including lyrics, my debit card, discount cards, aswell as personal information, my birth certificate, Driver's licence, other ID and my fuckin' SIN. this is gonna turn out bad unless I find it soon, I really hope it is in my house, it's the only reasonable explination.
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Saturday, April 21, 2007

No way
I thought you knew me better then that, do you really think I would do something like that? I admit, it may seem taht way, it isn't, it really isn't, I swear to god. you look me in the eyes and tell me you don't know anymore... well I do, I know that if you truely thought taht, you never would have talked to me again, it comes slowly but surely. Everything eventually comes to an end and we have no clue when that will happen, whether it be a misunderstanding, a mistake or a true offense. it was awkward for the first time yesterday in a good long time, I never thought it would come to this, but either you or I have fucked up now... you and I both know taht my motto is never to trust anyone especially not yourself. but you are the one person I have actually put a little bit of trust into, a little bit of hope, a little bit more than anyone else in this world, it can't end like this, not now. No way, it's impossible, I can't believe you'd think of me like that... who knows? m,aybe it is actually true.... that's what I was thinking last night.... then I came to realize that when we are out and about, taht is when I am happiest. it's when you seem happiest too. it never had anything to do with any of this, I want you to know, I want you to believe, I am above alot of other human beings, not to sound egomaniacal or anything, but I really am, I am a genuinely good person and no one can take that away, and if you can't see that, then that's fine. if you truely think that that is the only reason, all these hours, days, months, it's been what now? like a bit more than a year we've been friends? I guess taht doesn't matter, but you are far too dear to me to let you go, or to make you feel uncomfortable, or hurt you in any way, shape, or form. and if you look down deep enough, you will see taht too, it was never meant to be like this and now it is, let's turn around, and go back to the way we were 24 hours ago. No way, this can't be, I know there's no way, it's impossible, you want to hate me and you can't, I want you to hate me too, I want to hate you too, and you probably hate yourself don't you? you say it so much taht you probably believe it, every little thing you ever say, it doesn't make any sense. nothing ever does I suppose...

in any case, that was all last night, I think everything is fine now, I hope everything is fine, please just stay with me another day or two, never leave.... don't let me down, there is somehting here that can never be broken, a friendship, a true friendship, I will respect your wishes as you will mine, and you know that, just let me show you... let me show you how sorry I am taht I ever did anything to you that made you feel upset, sad, mad, paranoid, or anything else.... I really am sorry... oh well

I thought you knew me better then that...

my friend from pittsburgh called me alst night, that was pretty cool. I worked last night, not quite as busy as I thought it would be.... the band is back together, wer are practicing today in about an hour. I am gonna watch hockey with erica and brett tonight. yeah that's about it.
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