Thursday, April 19, 2007

Stupid homophobe
well, today I took my digital camera to school cause I wanted some pics of friends, right? so I did, I had to ask my dad first because it is overprotective of his electronics.... even paranoid really... so he asked me why, I told him cuz I want pics of my friends... and it turns out that yesterday I decided to tell him that a few of my friends happen to be bisexual. so this morning after I tell him why I want the camera he goes "so what? are ya gonna take pictures of a bunch of gays?" and he wasn't joking either, he is really paranoid that I might become like them or whatever, and that just fucking kills me. I wanted to tell him off so bad and just say "FUCK YOU! what the fuck is wrong with you? are you fucking homophobic?" and that would have shut him up, but I don't need any extra shit piling up right now, so I just walked out the door without saying anything, he is such a retard. Homophobes are the most fucking retarded thing around...
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Monday, April 16, 2007

Dreams
Dreams scare the living fuck out of me... it is 3 in the morning on monday, I have to go to school in a little bit. all night I been dreaming about erica and what might happen to her and it really got me thinking what could have happened in other similar situations. why do teenagers have to be so stupid? I can't sleep... maybe it's because I'm worried about her so much or maybe it's because of the fact that I drank 2 energy drinks not too long before I went to sleep. whatever.

I'm so glad she never got pregnant... pregnant at age 14.... taht would fuck your life right over, I didn't even know her then, it wouldn't have mattered much to me.

everything is so confusing and I don't understand any of it, but I guess that's what life is, eh? nothing left to do but try to figure it all out... It's so fucked up...

I don't even know how to put the rest of it into words...
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Sunday, April 15, 2007

Notes to self
Last night my friend fucked up, she fucked up real bad
Today she told me something that I didn't understand
I wanted to hold her just to lend a helping hand
But I asm just so stupid I only made her sad

Why are teenagers so dumb, it doesn't make much sense
I can't believe he did that, he should have left it in his pants

For the next month she will fret she'll worry everyday
Now her life might be ruined, a baby on the way

I told her it will be alright, but that was just a lie
Should I try to comfort her and tell her not to cry
Should I tell her the cold hard truth, try to make her understand
Hold her softly while she cries and keep her in my hands

I hate this shit, it makes no sense, I try to contemplate
I think of all the troubles that this time awaits

I know nothing good can come of this situation
I think it's time for you to leave, I think it's time to run

My views on this are much different, I feel it in your soul
You're scared to death, I feel your pain, and I will never know

I have a friend who's just like you with the same exact problems
All I can give you is her past experiences

She says you shouldn't worry, says to put it all behind
Let nature take it's course, please just keep it off your mind

There's no use fretting or getting scared, it will only make things worse
Most would call it a blessing but in your case it's a curse...




I don't know where you are right now, walking late at night
All I know is if I found you it would feel right

I walk down the street as I sing out your name
I don't know how much longer I can keep playing this game

It is entirely sickening and I don't know why
the only time it ever makes sense is when I look in your eye

You tell me it will be alright and taht you will never go
I can't trust you now, I need you to know

You might be out at some party, drinking your brains out
fucking random guys or popping pills in your mouth

I know taht isn't you, I know you're not that kind of kid
it is all of these memories of which I must rid

You don't know where I am, I might be out drinking
fucking random girls without first thinking

But you know me too well, you know I am not taht kind of guy
but this is when I start to wonder, I start to wonder why...

I look to the sky and resist the temptation
it doesn't make too much sense, I know I must run

I wish I could hold you in my arms and never leave
Sit here and watch the moon on this beautiful summer eve

everytime I think of you, it makes my stomach churn
time after time, it hurts so much, will I ever learn?



I'm done, just some random lines I thought up on my way home from erica's tonight, hope you enjoyed it...
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Thursday, April 12, 2007

Lewis's song
yeah, ok, this is a song my friend from england wrote, lmfao...

I ripped your mums ass open with a meat cleaver n spat in it,
Tore a new hole in her stomach and fucked it,
Used a corkscrew on her eye, ripped it out and fucked the socket,
She was still alive screaming so I slit her throat, fucked the hole,
Now I keep her in my wardrobe in a black bag, I might get her out every now and then for a fuck, who knows.

thanks lewis...
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Wednesday, April 11, 2007

I hope this stays fine
well, it turns out it's going to be alright, she isn't leaving, and I am enthralled... though I don't believe she is... she must be happy to be home and all.... but she is also sad at the fact that she can't go... or more at the fact that she isn't going... and I think I know why.... there are 2 reasons that I am pretty sure of... but then again I may be wrong... I hope she stays happy and continues her life like she was before, I hope this doesn't affect her too much...
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Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Are you serious?
Casimir actually wants to kick me out of the band.... I mean seriously.... come on! it's for fun... whatever.... He isn't exactly a great guitarist, he is mad cuz I scfrewed up a couple times at war child, whatever, I nailed paranoid, did it 100% perfect... it was also because it was a weird drum set like I had never played before... and I mean he can't even tell me to my face? getting another member to tell me? wow, what an idiot...
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Judgement day
It feels like judgement day today, this is when I find out whether or not all my problems will be solved or worsened... been thinking about it alot less lately, and I believe she is going to stay, I have this feeling... but my feelings are usually wrong... so I went on to logically thinking, which seems to be the only thing I can do... Added statistics, using factors, important things. What the rents may or may not know... I think I ended up with a 12% chance or her actually leaving. I think it will turn out all right. but yeah, no use thinking about it.

I got a bass yesterday, I am so psyched about it, a Fender Squire Percision Bass. Already learned a couple songs. it's pretty cool, and I like playing it.

I also started reading a book yesterday, possibhly the first book I have ever read for enjoyment.... I can't get past the first 2 pages of a book for school but this new book here, has kept my attention, read 100 pages yesterday and 90 more today. It is titled "You Don't Know Me" and was written by "David Klass". I really actually like the book, I never pictured myself reading, but here ya go...

And whether or not you like it, we all keep secrets from everyone, whether or not you know it... I found out some interesting things today... I thought I knew about it, but it turns out there was alot more to it... almost felt like you were keeping it from me... and it hurt at the time, but now it doesn't.... it's weird, o well, haha. I wish the best of luck to everyone and hope that it will be returned to me tonight or tomorrow...
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Sunday, April 8, 2007

I still don't get it
I want to write something.... I just don't know what to write. Been feeling worse and worse by the minute... haha, it hurts, but I don't care, I have to live with it I guess. Each minute passing, every second not knowing, each and every little blow that take... it hits me in the same place, over and over until I can't breathe anymore. I tried to keep my mind off it and it worked for a while. but after that it all came rushing back in.... but it was all accumulated and it had built up... the ammount of pain that I should have felt over the course of 24 hours, I felt in the span of 2 hours... I don't know how to describe it...

I don't ever want to forget... Humans forget... I want to remember every aspect of my life.... one day you'll all be gone and I will forget you all... and I hate the feeling of knowing that I will forget... I would rather..... I don't know... It sucks knowing all this shit taht I shouldn't know... why does the very first one have to be the hardest for me? shouldn't the first be fun and experimental? I guess I ain't making much sense, I don't know what I am tlaking about, myself... I find it hard to concentrate and I am sick to my stomach all the time and it hurts like all fuck... You.... him.... them..... us..... us.... it makes no sense, there is no us, there is no them, there is no him and there is no you... you're there, but maybe it's all in my head... maybe I shouldn't dig too deep into what people say... maybe I shyould see a psychiatrist.... haha, I ain't that bad.... not yet.... I want to tell everyone, I want to tell the world... but that would only hurt me even more. I want to tell my family.... I want to tell my friends, I want to tell my enemies, and most importantly, I want to tell you... and it doesn't make any sense... I get the feeling that I am gonna just drop dead and that will be that... that would actually be cool, especially if no one ever found out, if somehting happened and I was just gone with no one being any the wiser... I don't mean to sound suicidal or anything but I believe I would have been better off without the friends I have now.... in a sense that is, if I had other friends, I would be smoking week and snorting cocaine and maybe even taking some stupid ass pills... but then there wouldn't be all this pain... if the pain were to go away now, I would miss it. it hurts... I must keep going and try to get by this myself.... no alcohol.... no smokes.... no phone calls.... I must figure this out... I need to make sense out of this... I want you to be here. I want you to be here greg, I want you to be here Brandon, I want you to be here mikey, marc. I want you nall to be here, I want you to be here carly and kairo, and erica and rachael.... I want some friends, they seem to keep my mind off of everything... but maybe they would just complicate it.... this is useless... I am just rambling on saying absolutely nothing... I am starting to wonder when will it be my time? my turn to shine? my chance to win and rub my shit in all your faces? when will it happen? I don't expect it to happen for a good number of years... haha, o well.... alot of time to go until I die anyway. I want to go further than the universe itself... rachael, you gave me a damn bad habit, other than on otaku, I never come out, I never tell anyone that anything is wrong, I will keep my mouth shut and pretend to have fun... I was half-way miserable last night at erica's. I am feeling so sick... sick to my stomach, sick because of you, sick because I can't feel better right now... sick because of them.... they won't let me feel better... I don't want to fucking work today, I am gonna be so miserable... but I will use my bad habit and pretend to be happy as all fuck and go on with my day, I will go to work, come home, maybe talk on the phone for a bit with whoever, collect some thoughts, watch tv, y'know, the regular lazy ass shit that I always do... I read over all of my old otaku posts.... I sound fuckin' depressed in them. I still don't get it though, when will it end.... come to think of it.... when did it all start? summer break? hat's 2 months gone... are you dead? I don't know.... I never thought about it, I never thought about you.... or maybe I did... maybe that's what's wrong with me... why am I still typing? what? I don't understand... why am I still doing this? huh? alright. Yeah, fuck you too you stupid bitch whore, they all know... they just know, don't ask why, they JUST DO... why....? I don't know... because I am retarded, taht's why.... fuck,I am writing a fuckin' novel here, I hate books... I have maybe 2 pages worth for a noevel.... I should start one, if I ever become famous I will release this whole otaku thing in a book and make a fortune on it... I feel like I let you down again... I feel like I let myself down.... still believing it was my fault... I have no money left, I can't help you.... randomly rambling on and on, making less and less sense as time goes by. there is magic in your writing, in your eyes, everytime I look at you, I get lost, you don't know it and you probably never will unless one day you end up going over all my posts and find yourself reading my super long ones... I want you to come back.

I already miss you and your not even gone
starting to wonder where I went wrong...
wishing you'd come back into my arms
wishing you'd come back and show me some charm
I don't know who did this, and I don't know why
when I am with you it's like a natural high
feeling so great but at the same time
I feel numb and like commiting a crime
Going out, getting drunk, smoking a cigarette
Then you'd fuck me over and I would lose all my bets
go ahead, go do what you like
I don't think you'll win, I'll put up a fight
get myself busted and thrown in jail
every now and then please send a letter or mail
living without you will get me nowhere
wondering how I'll see you when you're out there
random lines and rhymes don't mean shit to me
I try to call them songs, but it's too hard to see
I know you don't love me and that is just fine
I don't need you, I need someone to call mine
Here I go I try to run away
I will never forget that fateful day...
It told me I was wrong and I believed it
Now you are leaving and I'm sick of this shit
rhyming and lining not making much sense
I will run so fast, I will break through that fence
making even less sense than I was before
not letting you in through any door
these thoughts keep popping into my head
I no longer dread that small piece of lead
I wonder about all those books you have read
Then that lead in my head will surely make me dead
Point the gun up as I tremble with fear
my finger on the trigger then I hear you come near
You're here and stopping me from killing myself
Then you tell me it's ok and put my gun on the shelf
been sitting here writing for 15 minutes
wondering if you'll call, I don't know a bit

Well then.... maybe taht works... a bit of a song there.... or maybe 3 songs... I can't call those songs, I just rhymed alot.... not my real emotions... whatever, I hafta go to work now, I hope to see you all tomorrow, all in good health. those rhymes were llies, it's not true, almost none of it... whatever....
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Saturday, April 7, 2007

Hurt
I hurt myself today
To see if i still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But i remember everything

What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

I wear my crown of shit
On my liar's chair
Full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair

Beneath the stain of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have i become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone i know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt

If i could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way
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Friday, April 6, 2007

Erica's place
I was at Erica's place today.... we played super smash bros for a while... then we had to go home, it was pretty fun. Her birthday is tomorrow, and she is having a party.... honestly, it is gonna be lame as all fuck... but I am gonna go anyway and I hafta get her a present tomorrow...

They mentioned Rachael at one point and made a joke about her and me... whatever, I don't care... I've obviously come to expect it... It still hurts... I probably sound pretty stupid right now, but I am so confuzzled... I need someone to talk to... as long as I am tlaking to someone it keeps my mind off of her... then when someone brings it up I get kinda down and stuff... but I put on a smile and not let anyone know what's going on... because no one wants to know what's going on... they may think they want to know, but the cold hard and harsh truth is that they really don't want to know. 1 would flip, 1 would laugh.... the others would be in shock... not a single one of them feeling the same way I would... She's my best friend and to lose her would be like losing a near-essential life source... maybe I am not making sense, oh well... I hope everything turns out ok...
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