Monday, March 5, 2007

That night...
That night changed me.... I don't know why... it made me what we believe to be the definition of a "guy". and I hate it.... I don't understand... I don't miss you anymore... I don't know... it's so confusing.... I hate you... but.... I don't.... and I have said this before.... I know.... Oh well. I don't have much else to say.... I had a ton to say.... but I lost it... last night.... it came as a vision with a good reason.... a warning sign.... should I go see you now? you're getting off class in 10 minutes.... maybe not.... he'll be there... I ahte him and I don't know why... it's coming back to me....

you've been bitter ever since you told me the "news" and I don't understand why.... maybe it's just me being stubborn... and maybe I make everyhting you do seem worse than it is... I want you to be happy... do it... disregard all others for once and go all out, do whatever the fuck you want... I swear I only want you to be happy... your eyes have grown boring.... 1 more thing that I don't understand... they seem dull to me as of late and I don't understand! I want to understand!!! I wonder who reads this? rachael... both gregs... the people on my friends list of course.... Bob... Lena? tryna think... that is all the possibilities that I can think of... o well w.e

if it's nice out tonight, I will go for a walk I suppose.... I was out the other night for a walk.... and my dad got mad at me lol, he thought I smoked up or soemthing so I started being sadly sarcastic with him.... haha. o well.... my parents wouldn't care if I did.... like your parents... they would kick your ass if oyu ever did drugs.... and I wish my parents were like that too now.... I wish they were more strict... haven't gottena serious punishment in years.... worst one I can remember is... "your band isn't comiung over until taht room is clean"... I cleaned it and we had fun that day.... why don't they punish me.... they must know I drink... they MUST! I come home 3 at night and puke for fucks sake... maybe they really don't hear it.... which reminds me of a pretty amusing anecdote... I was drinking on my 17th birthday all alone.... I finished about 1/3 of a 40oz of scotch whiskey... I went upstairs cuz I had to puke.... I dropped the bottle and I was apparently drunk enough to puke but not drunk enough to let that bottle hit the ground.... lol.... o god.... drinking alone..... not the worst feeling ever.... would rather be with friends.... even if I do amke a fool of myself...

but yeah... do what you want... caring isn't gonna work.... and I think this is a good idea anyway... who cares what he thinks about this? I hate him......... so does half the people I know that know him.... just saying the truth.... 5:29... I guess I'll go find you now.... might as well right? yeah... cya
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Sunday, March 4, 2007

I don't know
been feeling a little weird lately.... worried. haha maybe paranoid? scared.... almost wanna cry... but I can't bring myself to do it. I wish I could cry easier.... I was out last night.... went walking.... was gonna sotp by but then ended up not doing it... o well. I should get a cell phone. things are a little fucked up.... htough I think that scarf is giving me good luck.... nothing but good luck since I started wearing it... people talk about it behind my back and I laugh at them.... I wonder if anyone really knows? does he know? do they know? WILL they know? will they assume? will he know?

I guess there is no use thinking about it... whatever.

Rachael is out if her friend's place for the day. it's weird... I wanna see her again... I hate her.... but she is my best friend at the same time.... it's so confusing. o well no use thinking bout that either. I guess I'll get to talk to her at school on monday...
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Thursday, March 1, 2007

Nevermind
scratch that.... yeah! my band rules! and such! yeah! People think that I'm insane beacuse I am frowning all the time.... yeah... w.e....... haha..... *cocky look*.... and such..... I don't have to work tomorrow.... a day off finally.... 3 shifts in a row I missed... hahahaha..... what am I feeling now? I don't know.... meh.... I think now I know what she meant when she said numb.... I got taht feeling a few nights ago...... closer to a week I guess now. haven't gotten it again.

what does it take to break a friendship? I want to know? where would you push your best friend aside? what line must they cross? betrayal? lying? hurting? I can't say I would stop being friends with my best friends even if they did these things...

I think I am finally getting over my sickness... been feeling a little under the blue over the past little while...

what the fuck? I don't get it..... why? you don't care? seriously? I don't believe you.... you fucking liar... I can't stay mad at you though....

what the fuck? you aren't lying? why not? I still don't get it... why?.... what?

I don't know what to say.... random words.... trying to extract what I feel? pooring out my heart and soul................ for......... why am I doing this? I don't care about you guys? why are you still reading this? leave now..... I still don't get it.... I want to release some anger, inflict some pain.... I want to feel the pain..... I want to feel a fist smashing my teeth in.... I want to feel someone cut through my skin.... I want to feel the insistant pain from being shot by a gun.... and I don't know why.... next time you see me... wait for a time when I am not paying attention and hit me in the stomach or the chest.... I will say ouch but deep down I will enjoy it..... are you still reading this? go away.... I have an idea now.... why I am still writing here.... I don't want to forget.... ever.... the times with my friends..... high school.... work?...... I don't want to work for the rest of my life, I want to go to school.... I want to be stupid and mature until my body can no longer handle it. y'know I don't hafta be drunk to do stuff... like some of you may think, I am not always drunk.... I wanna shoot someone..... myself..... I want someone else to shott me.... in the arm..... left one please.....so I can still play drums..... alright a little bit of humour there.... I'm hilarious.... and I hate people who think lowly of themselves.... but I hate people who think highly of themselves... I like people who see themselves for who ther are..... as well as other's arond them.... sotp picking out people's good points..... but don't point out their flaws... mustches! are not flaws! I wish I could grow hair faster.... haha.... but I can't. oh well... dragging on a little long here.... I have somehting I want to say but I don't know how to say it... I can't think of the word.... the feeling....... life is fucked up most of the time and you all know it..... I guess I hate myself.... lol...... I point out the world's flaws and can't see the good... and it's all your fault..... you all made me think! and I thought.... and realized how much evil was in the world.... never got around to thinking about the good things..... and now I would have to do 2 years of thinking to get even with all teh bad stuff... I hate you..... you hate me..... but I don't hate you guys.... and I hope to god you guys don't hate me.... you and you and you and you are the only ones that I can actually say I sincerely hate..... you 4 know who you are.... the others I just dislike.... I still never figured out what taht place made me feel..... not hatred..... not envy..... not anything?... that's all for now...



I want to fucking kill someone...
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Wednesday, February 28, 2007

...
Oh, hi there
I have to go
ok, go
no, I mean I really have to go
I know, get out of here
seriously, I have to leave now
oh, hi there
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Monday, February 26, 2007

The River
As I walk through the valley
of the shadow of LA
The footsteps that were next to me
have gone their separate ways
I've seen enough now
to know that beautiful things
don't always stay that way
I've done enough now
to know this beautiful place
isn't everything they say
I heard that evil comes disguised
Like the city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

[M.Shadows:]
You're from a small town
You're gonna grow up fast
underneath these lights
Down in Hollywood
on the boulevard the dead comes back to life
To the praying Mother
And the worried Father
Let your children go
If they come back
They'll come home stronger
And if they don't you'll know

They say evil comes disguised
Like the city of angels
I'm walking towards the light

Baptized in the river
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered
In the city was a sinner
I've done a lot of things wrong
But I swear I'm a believer
Like the prodigal son
I was out on my own
Now I'm trying to find my way back home
Baptized in the river
I'm delivered
I'm delivered

Baptized in the river (on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
(on my own, on my own)
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
Baptized in the river (on my own)
I wanna be delivered
I confess I'm a sinner
I've seen a vision of my life
And I wanna be delivered!


I don't know why... maybe it's cuz of M. Shadows and Synyster Gates... But I am hooked on this song lately...
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help me...
what the fuck... there is something wrong with me right now and I don't know what it is... last night I started crying... I only let out about 3 tears... it is hard for me to cry.... and I have no clue why I did... I've never wanted to drink to flush the feeling away so bad as I do now... I skipped a class today and we had a test.... so now I am at a 0 in that class and no way to redo that test... I should have listened to her... skipping can be bad.... but I couldn't stand being there anymore....fuck.... I don't even know anymore... I want to fucking shoot someone.... I want to fucking kill you all! and after I do that I would shoot myself.... it would be the easiest way to get as far away form you all as possible... you would be in heaven, and I in hell for I have made some big mistakes in my past... and I know it. I have considered things unimaginable.... I ahve planned out in my head how I would rob a store.... it wouldn't be so hard, walk in with a fake gun that looks real... point it at him and say put the money in the bag.... I owuld do it at a 7-11 or a mac's in the middle of the night... wearing baggy clothes as to hide my form aswell as a mask of a sort to hide my face... i wouldn't be all that hard.... but then I think of you guys... and it pushes me along to somehting else... taking away a persons hope.... I thought one of them was different but it turns out we are all the same... haha... it's fucking bullshit.... and the fucking lies... if you wanna fucking lie to me, you can stay out of my life... if you don't want to tell me the truth, don't talk... if you can seriously look me in the eyes and tell me a lie then I don't know if you are a true friend... I want to fucking stab you and him and laugh as your blood spills and I stood there recollecting my thoughts.... I would regret that... I know I have fucked up, but I happen to be one person who is stable enough not to start doign all this stuff... nothing you ever do or say will EVER change any of my outlooks on life, any of my feelings for anyone... anything..... you'll never change me... I dare you, try it! and those fucking dickheads... what the fuck, I can't fucking stand THEM! I never even seen your face and I fucking hate you... haha HAHA! FUCKING HELL! I don't fucking know what to do anymore... 1 day, I'll be fine.... 2 days I'll get a little upset.... the third day I'll go crazy and hurt someone.... forth day I will be over it.... the first 3 days are always the hardest.... I need some fucking help.... I need someone here to tell me it'll be alright... but then that would mean you'd be lying to me again... do I want comfort? or would I rather have the truth? what would you guys want?
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Sunday, February 25, 2007

yesterday
yeah 2 in the morning lol, so it was yesterday now...

after the party, I went to a movie with some frineds... I saw "The Number 23". it was kinda lame, it was better near the end... not worth my 10 bucks... lol

I bought a little 3 dollar gold heart for charity today... and when I got it, I realized it was an eragon thingy, lol.

It turbns out greg is disappointed in me for my stealing.... but oh well. and he is right, I don't deserve, but I told him that no matter what he said or did, it wouldn't change my mind...

and on to the party... we played pool for a bit... then watched 2 movies. covenant and Texas Chainsaw Massacre, the beginning... they were both pretty good movies... texas chainsaw massacre was better than covenant...

more stuff happened today... but that stuff doesn't matter really... and just so you know, what you are doing isn't wrong... and what I am doing isn't wrong either. I mean really... why should I let someone else control my life? and why should you let someone control yours? as long as my friends stay out of the stuff I want them to stay out of, it'll be fine... that's all for now
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Saturday, February 24, 2007

Yeah...
well... I got my leather jacket... 400 dollar jacket... it's damn nice... I am gonna get an mp3 player new shoes and a gold ring yet... and maybe another leather jacket.... give this one back and get a different one.

anywayyy onto the fun stuff... my band jammed yesterday and it turned out alot better than I thought it would. we were actually really good.... if I get a chence I will put our recorded blitzkrieg bop up somewhere on the net lol.

I am to rachael's place tonight for a little get together or friends and stuff. pizza and a movie? lol, who knows? anyway, it should be good fun... I will try to post about it tomorrow.

I had to fake sick to get out of work so I could go... it kind of backfired and now I can't work tomorrow either, lol. my boss wants me to stay home and get better. lol

anyway I still hafta get more lyrics up on here... I'll try, not much more to say, cya guys...

Is it really all worth it in the end? I have thought about it... and yes it is...
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Wednesday, February 21, 2007

Today...
it was the most calm I had been in a long time.... every piece of ice that hit my face... the bitter cold.... each little snow flake... they were so sharp, felt like it was cutting my face.... and freezing my eyes shut... I was so relaxed... I had the feeling that I fucked up... I wanted more than I could have... then I didn't speak for almost the rest of that day... I have nothing else to say besides...

no matter what you say or do, I will not change my mind...
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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Work and such... and
meh, last night I worked and went to a party, but there wasn't much of a turnout, I guess it prolly got better after I left... I left so I could talk to her a bit... and it turns out that she misses him.... I hope that she either gets thorugh this or something good happens... I wonder now if they would ever get back together... in any case, I only want her to be happy... I hope things work out the way she wants... but I honestly don't see that happening anytime soon... :(...

I have to apologize in advance.... I am getting myself some nice new things.... but not quite legally... a guy gets them from I don't know where and I don't know how.... and I give him like 10-20% of the store price... I am really sorry... to all of you that are worried for me.... but don't be, there is almost no chance that I will get caught... I am quite sorry my friends... but I swear I ain't gonna do it too much... and just know... I won't do anything to harm myself... I have access to drugs, I work with a freakin' ex drug dealer.... but I will never do that... I will have the odd drink and I will try as hard as I can to pace myself... I am getting my leather jacket today... and I would rather not have evryone know it was stolen, so I will lie to everyone except a few about the jacket, I will tell them I bought it...

New quote : "is it really all worth it in the end?"

and I kinda felt like writing some lyrics about it this morning, just jotted down some notes.... but it basically shows how this could affect me and where it could lead if I did it too much, I would want more and more and never be ablke to stop... then the end... and it's not perfect so stfu... here it goes...

I Want...

Leather jacket, Golden ring
All for close to nothing
Brand new shoes, Fancy Shirts
I'm the only one it hurts
New game systems, new cds
Continuing will make you see...

It's what I want, it's all I need
give me my shit before I make you bleed

Slurpees, Chips, New guitars
Plasma tv, Ferrari cars
Dvds, New drum set
Huge mansion, Nicer jet
1 million dollars from the banks
I want the army's fucking tanks!
Iraqistan, fancy plates
Canada, United States

I want it all, it makes me twirl
now all I need is the world!!!...
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