Saturday, January 27, 2007

party
omg, I fucking hate this shit... I was drinking last night, and she was there... she's mad, I know it, even though she says she isn't. I hope she still talks to me I hope she still wants to be my friend. I don't even deserve her. I mean I feel like the biggest shit head right now. the WORST part about it is that I promised I wouldn't anymore. maybe I just shouldn't make promises. if I don't make promises I have nothing to break except for my own soul, dignity and self respect. I smoked some cigarettes which worried her... I know I am not right for doing it, but it was to get a point across, never to hurt yourself. I don't want her to be hurting herself, but I hurt myself just the same as I tell her not to. I want to talk to her now, I want to tell her how sorry I am, how stupid I was, how I don't deserve her, how she is too good for most of the people she socializes with. GOD everytime she says his name I feel my blood start to boil. I don't know why she ever socialized with that low-life. omg, I feel fucking sick to my stomach, and not from the alcohol but because of thinking about her, wondering if she'll still accept me for who I am. maybe I am just delusional. he helped me too, thanks man, for being there, it's helped me. but he is a little too over protective. I know he is just looking out for me, but I dislike having him telling me when to go home, I would have liked to check out that other party last night, but he wouldn't let me... that one girl has a party like every weekend anyway, maybe I'll check them out... I want to beat the crap out of someone just to release all this stress, all this anger I've built up, if I could fight myself I would beat the shit out of me to show me how stupid I am and to teach myself a lesson. I was well dressed and I still acted like a retard... I sunk to the level of those other guys, SHIT. I am such a fucking hypocrite! I always talk about how I hate those "popular" kids that go around, drinking, getting drunk, smoking, getting high every weekend... now I am doing the same, but I wil never try a drug... there ius so much more I want to say, but I have ranted on for long enough... no more promises, I am off them for life...

I know you'll both read this, probably today

Please forgive me

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