Monday, February 26, 2007

help me...
what the fuck... there is something wrong with me right now and I don't know what it is... last night I started crying... I only let out about 3 tears... it is hard for me to cry.... and I have no clue why I did... I've never wanted to drink to flush the feeling away so bad as I do now... I skipped a class today and we had a test.... so now I am at a 0 in that class and no way to redo that test... I should have listened to her... skipping can be bad.... but I couldn't stand being there anymore....fuck.... I don't even know anymore... I want to fucking shoot someone.... I want to fucking kill you all! and after I do that I would shoot myself.... it would be the easiest way to get as far away form you all as possible... you would be in heaven, and I in hell for I have made some big mistakes in my past... and I know it. I have considered things unimaginable.... I ahve planned out in my head how I would rob a store.... it wouldn't be so hard, walk in with a fake gun that looks real... point it at him and say put the money in the bag.... I owuld do it at a 7-11 or a mac's in the middle of the night... wearing baggy clothes as to hide my form aswell as a mask of a sort to hide my face... i wouldn't be all that hard.... but then I think of you guys... and it pushes me along to somehting else... taking away a persons hope.... I thought one of them was different but it turns out we are all the same... haha... it's fucking bullshit.... and the fucking lies... if you wanna fucking lie to me, you can stay out of my life... if you don't want to tell me the truth, don't talk... if you can seriously look me in the eyes and tell me a lie then I don't know if you are a true friend... I want to fucking stab you and him and laugh as your blood spills and I stood there recollecting my thoughts.... I would regret that... I know I have fucked up, but I happen to be one person who is stable enough not to start doign all this stuff... nothing you ever do or say will EVER change any of my outlooks on life, any of my feelings for anyone... anything..... you'll never change me... I dare you, try it! and those fucking dickheads... what the fuck, I can't fucking stand THEM! I never even seen your face and I fucking hate you... haha HAHA! FUCKING HELL! I don't fucking know what to do anymore... 1 day, I'll be fine.... 2 days I'll get a little upset.... the third day I'll go crazy and hurt someone.... forth day I will be over it.... the first 3 days are always the hardest.... I need some fucking help.... I need someone here to tell me it'll be alright... but then that would mean you'd be lying to me again... do I want comfort? or would I rather have the truth? what would you guys want?
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