Sunday, April 8, 2007

I still don't get it
I want to write something.... I just don't know what to write. Been feeling worse and worse by the minute... haha, it hurts, but I don't care, I have to live with it I guess. Each minute passing, every second not knowing, each and every little blow that take... it hits me in the same place, over and over until I can't breathe anymore. I tried to keep my mind off it and it worked for a while. but after that it all came rushing back in.... but it was all accumulated and it had built up... the ammount of pain that I should have felt over the course of 24 hours, I felt in the span of 2 hours... I don't know how to describe it...

I don't ever want to forget... Humans forget... I want to remember every aspect of my life.... one day you'll all be gone and I will forget you all... and I hate the feeling of knowing that I will forget... I would rather..... I don't know... It sucks knowing all this shit taht I shouldn't know... why does the very first one have to be the hardest for me? shouldn't the first be fun and experimental? I guess I ain't making much sense, I don't know what I am tlaking about, myself... I find it hard to concentrate and I am sick to my stomach all the time and it hurts like all fuck... You.... him.... them..... us..... us.... it makes no sense, there is no us, there is no them, there is no him and there is no you... you're there, but maybe it's all in my head... maybe I shouldn't dig too deep into what people say... maybe I shyould see a psychiatrist.... haha, I ain't that bad.... not yet.... I want to tell everyone, I want to tell the world... but that would only hurt me even more. I want to tell my family.... I want to tell my friends, I want to tell my enemies, and most importantly, I want to tell you... and it doesn't make any sense... I get the feeling that I am gonna just drop dead and that will be that... that would actually be cool, especially if no one ever found out, if somehting happened and I was just gone with no one being any the wiser... I don't mean to sound suicidal or anything but I believe I would have been better off without the friends I have now.... in a sense that is, if I had other friends, I would be smoking week and snorting cocaine and maybe even taking some stupid ass pills... but then there wouldn't be all this pain... if the pain were to go away now, I would miss it. it hurts... I must keep going and try to get by this myself.... no alcohol.... no smokes.... no phone calls.... I must figure this out... I need to make sense out of this... I want you to be here. I want you to be here greg, I want you to be here Brandon, I want you to be here mikey, marc. I want you nall to be here, I want you to be here carly and kairo, and erica and rachael.... I want some friends, they seem to keep my mind off of everything... but maybe they would just complicate it.... this is useless... I am just rambling on saying absolutely nothing... I am starting to wonder when will it be my time? my turn to shine? my chance to win and rub my shit in all your faces? when will it happen? I don't expect it to happen for a good number of years... haha, o well.... alot of time to go until I die anyway. I want to go further than the universe itself... rachael, you gave me a damn bad habit, other than on otaku, I never come out, I never tell anyone that anything is wrong, I will keep my mouth shut and pretend to have fun... I was half-way miserable last night at erica's. I am feeling so sick... sick to my stomach, sick because of you, sick because I can't feel better right now... sick because of them.... they won't let me feel better... I don't want to fucking work today, I am gonna be so miserable... but I will use my bad habit and pretend to be happy as all fuck and go on with my day, I will go to work, come home, maybe talk on the phone for a bit with whoever, collect some thoughts, watch tv, y'know, the regular lazy ass shit that I always do... I read over all of my old otaku posts.... I sound fuckin' depressed in them. I still don't get it though, when will it end.... come to think of it.... when did it all start? summer break? hat's 2 months gone... are you dead? I don't know.... I never thought about it, I never thought about you.... or maybe I did... maybe that's what's wrong with me... why am I still typing? what? I don't understand... why am I still doing this? huh? alright. Yeah, fuck you too you stupid bitch whore, they all know... they just know, don't ask why, they JUST DO... why....? I don't know... because I am retarded, taht's why.... fuck,I am writing a fuckin' novel here, I hate books... I have maybe 2 pages worth for a noevel.... I should start one, if I ever become famous I will release this whole otaku thing in a book and make a fortune on it... I feel like I let you down again... I feel like I let myself down.... still believing it was my fault... I have no money left, I can't help you.... randomly rambling on and on, making less and less sense as time goes by. there is magic in your writing, in your eyes, everytime I look at you, I get lost, you don't know it and you probably never will unless one day you end up going over all my posts and find yourself reading my super long ones... I want you to come back.

I already miss you and your not even gone
starting to wonder where I went wrong...
wishing you'd come back into my arms
wishing you'd come back and show me some charm
I don't know who did this, and I don't know why
when I am with you it's like a natural high
feeling so great but at the same time
I feel numb and like commiting a crime
Going out, getting drunk, smoking a cigarette
Then you'd fuck me over and I would lose all my bets
go ahead, go do what you like
I don't think you'll win, I'll put up a fight
get myself busted and thrown in jail
every now and then please send a letter or mail
living without you will get me nowhere
wondering how I'll see you when you're out there
random lines and rhymes don't mean shit to me
I try to call them songs, but it's too hard to see
I know you don't love me and that is just fine
I don't need you, I need someone to call mine
Here I go I try to run away
I will never forget that fateful day...
It told me I was wrong and I believed it
Now you are leaving and I'm sick of this shit
rhyming and lining not making much sense
I will run so fast, I will break through that fence
making even less sense than I was before
not letting you in through any door
these thoughts keep popping into my head
I no longer dread that small piece of lead
I wonder about all those books you have read
Then that lead in my head will surely make me dead
Point the gun up as I tremble with fear
my finger on the trigger then I hear you come near
You're here and stopping me from killing myself
Then you tell me it's ok and put my gun on the shelf
been sitting here writing for 15 minutes
wondering if you'll call, I don't know a bit

Well then.... maybe taht works... a bit of a song there.... or maybe 3 songs... I can't call those songs, I just rhymed alot.... not my real emotions... whatever, I hafta go to work now, I hope to see you all tomorrow, all in good health. those rhymes were llies, it's not true, almost none of it... whatever....
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