Thursday, June 17, 2004

   I am lost again
sry i can't write latly i have exams and other stuff on my mind three of my friend are in some deep trouble that might get too a boiling point soon so i have to monitor them and take the heat
beside for that i am not doing good...my dog is dieing,alot of ppl ignoring me and i am fed up of going to look for them to talk with them, they never ever look for me even though they worry about me they are never there by me when i get in trouble and the sad thing is they never help me, i still wonder if i had killed myself three months ago if it would have make a diffence today, by now they might have forgoton me, i am sure if i don't talk with anyone and just wait no one will come and speak with me, makes me feel as if i bother them which is why i say i am sorry so many times for no apparent reason cause i always doing something wrong and i dont know, i wonder if i really have real friends, i dont care i am listing and if you see your name here too bad deal with it, if you want my blood for it you can get my life cause it dont mean notting to me, amanda used too call me and talk to me alot and i liked the attension alot, the day she got a bf she call me once a f'g month, she only talked with me cause her bf knew something was wrong and she was worried AND IF IT WAS'NT FOR HER I'D BE DEAD NOW i hate you u f'g betrayed me why didnt you mind your own buisness and leave me to die in peace!! u call your self my friend but you only used to call me cause you liked me, as for rosh i still care for him but its sad how he did'nt even notice me the other day, and some days he does'nt even say hi to me..i have to look for him to make sure he alive and to let him know i am still there but i feel like notting now and its hard to type with tears in your eyes, the only reason sonia stopped me that day was cause she felt i was gonna myself because of her, how can someone turn so easily from love to hate? i dont hate you but it hurts so much that it actually burns inside to hear those words that "i hate you and was a fool to ever believe u loved me" WHEN YOU WAS THE ONE WITH THE OTHER BF and i stood by u and loved you even though u were with him and you did notting but took avantage of my love, and i don't denied that you scard me cause a part of you showed me how i wanted to be treated cause you made me feel like i was someone u made me feel so good about myself and i lost you as my closes friend, i make sure and smile everyday around ppl to make sure they feel good i say what they want to hear so i know i did one thing right, i tryed to be a friend sonia i am sorry that i cause you pain i am sorry for everything i've done, kevin and justin i love so much for what they have done for me and i will never forget it, even though he gone away he remembered me and it meant so much...leeann saw me and come to check me this morning and that felt good all the times that i've cry all this wasting its all inside and i fell all this pain i stuffed it down its back again and i can't mend for what i did, elena calls me everyday its irritating but i love it, i think those who want to speak with me will come to find me, cause i am not looking for anyones company again, i've been alone most of my life and i just want to lose my head....steph never saw me but always checks for me....i love kitty too.
but i seem to be getting in her way so i am just gonna try to back off of her.
i know i am notting, and guess what? i don't care anymore..i just dont care three things i will take on
kitty...my love(she deserve better than me)
friends...
and i have yet to determind the thrid one
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