Monday, April 25, 2011

Dear Uriel,

I'm feeling all confused. I can feel how strong your grip is on me. I want to be with you. But, I know in my heart that I won't ever be with you. I hate bringing religion into this, but i really can't be with you because of this. And I know how badly it hurts you to hear this and it hurts me that it hurts you. It hurts me badly. You said the pain lasts forever, but maybe I can deal with that pain forever. I need to know you can deal with it too. I can't be the one who will lie to you and say I will be with you forever, no matter how badly I want it. As you say, the truth is the truth. I've fallen in love with you, it was stupid and I can't control it. I think I will continue to love you for a long time. It's an impossible thing to ask, but can you hold onto this love until I leave? Just hold it, hold it tight. I ask too much and I know this. However, it doesn't hurt to ask. Love isn't something you can just take, and drop just as easily. I know this, but can you try? Try and try and try. Even if it results in my unhappiness, i'd rather your moving on to a new happiness than having pain from me forever. I'd pick my unhappiness over yours a million times over. I can't lie to myself and say that I'll find a way. That's what I've been trying to do, and I've failed. I now know that it's not within my grasp. You told me that you want to hold onto me. I want to hold onto you to. You told me that I have your heart. I treasure your heart more than a precious diamond. But my heart? My heart is locked. It's locked and will stay locked. How is this a fair trade? When you're so willing to give me your heart but I cannot give you mine in return. I don't want to feel like I'm just playing with your emotions, that's the worst feeling imaginable. But how can I be the way I am with you if it's false? I feel so hypocritical, all the time. But the way you make me feel always wipes away those thoughts. The moment I begin talking with you, everything else disappears except for me and you. And these are the moments I lose myself in. My love for you conquers all other emotions, but the nudging in my head is like a mosquito that wont be swatted. So, as you can see. Many things have been running through my head, and this is only a sliver of it. I can't tell you what to take out of this email. I have no idea actually. I just felt you deserved to know at least partially whats been running through my head. I don't believe that I will read this email over, I'm too afraid to see what it says. Just, take it as you will.

Love,
Michelle
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