Sunday, November 30, 2008

   c'est le vie
I have been going over and over certain things in my head. Such as:

Am I a good daughter?
Am I even so much as a decent friend?
Could I continue on with school given the chance?
Why do I feel compelled to lie to people?
Is my very life a farce?

I feel lost in it all. As if the energy it takes is too much and I just want this to be over. Like waiting for a punishment for something you've done wrong. You sit there and become anxious. And you simply wish that your parent will walk in, administer the discipline and have done with it. But unlike with those moments this is life. I cannot simply hurry it along until things are over and done with. The anxiety makes me feel like throwing up sometimes. It doesn't seem to matter what changes in my life, either. It is all still there.

Some days I wish that I would be in a fatal car accident. Or at least one that would render me unconcious or brain-dead. Then it would be over. Then I could finally relax.
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Saturday, November 29, 2008

   Thanksgiving
Save for having to spend time with Dad Thanksgiving was fun. We went to Wal*Mart and bought a couple of games. I made the most awesome peached ham. I'm not sure if I should think that it was a good thing that I had no left overs or if I should wish that I had some to last me through the next week. Either way I had a good night.

Gotta get going to work. Bleh. Not fun.
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Thursday, November 27, 2008

Good Lord Almighty
I haven't been on here in literally forever. . . ummm . . . yeah. . . When Kara left I guess that I dropped it is well. Kinda a friend thing this was. Very much so. Maybe I'll start again. Tim will tell, I suppose.
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Thursday, October 19, 2006

   if this is giving up
I am feeling rather like I did in my last post. Alone. I know that I have friends and the best one that I could ever wish for is waiting right now for me in the modular building, but it only helps minimally when I think about having very little contact with anyone else. No one but Toni ever calls for me. I rarely get e-mails unless I initiated them. That compiled with the fact that I am sleeping on a floor with no privacy and am having more trouble doing everything that I need to do for school and I am having to pick up more hours at work b/c Adam quit and everything is getting to me and no one gives a shit. No one is going to read this and no onje is going to fucking give a shit. I am about ready to say that I am going to give up on posting to my blog anymore. No one could care less if I do or not.

Oh, look! A new wave of depression is landing on the muddy shores of my turbulant mind.
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006

   I am feeling very alone right now. Last night kinda did it for me on that one and I can't understand why. I mean I understand what triggered the feelings but last night at work was actually a good night and nothing went wrong so I have to ask if that shouldn't have canceled out the feeling that I am alone . . . That's the way that it usually works, but I haven't felt as if it has been canceled out at all. Instead I feel as lonely as I did before. I miss my friends. I miss seeing them everyday and having them call back and randomly show up just b/c. I miss knowing them and feeling connected to them. It's just this lonely feeling. As if no matter how hard I try no one tries in return. I am starting to think that I shouldn't even bother with it and should let them be and live their lives.

Love how loneliness leads to depression. But that ties into my worst fear: ending up completely alone. I just wish that I knew what to do about it. I am training to become a Psychiatrist and have no idea what to do about my own delimas. That's a good sign.
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Wednesday, October 11, 2006

   id, ego, super ego
I hate the little f*cker. And, no, not my sister. but maybe hate is a bit to strong a word. To hate someone you have to get really close to them and I am not that close to Adam nd refuse to let myself get close to that maggot in a festering cesspool of brainlessness that he is. I could honestly strangle him for what he did to me, though. I could mutilate his worthless piece of shit corpse until even dental records couldn't relieve his mother's tears (I am more than a little upset here).

*takes a deep breath and calms down just enough*

He tattled on me at work. I fell asleep b/c I had worked five straight nights, including on where I went to school and I wasn't getting a lot of sleep. I fell asleep for FIVE MINUTES!!! ON MY BREAK!!!!And he acts as if I fell asleep for 90% of the night. I did my job and got everything that I needed to accomplished an he tattles that I was sleeping on the job. On top of it he had told me that as long as I got the work done he didn't care what I did. The worst of it, as you can guess, is that it is a fireable offense. The fact that cofessed to it and that it was Adam who said something about my sleeping may work to my advantage. She said that she is going to write me up (a given) and talk to her supervisor about what to do. I think that she doesn't want to fire me b/c that will leave them a bit sort-handed on third shift.

*shakes with anger*

My Id, Ego, and my Super Ego are at war right now.

Id says kill, kill, kill, mame, mutilate and harm weather I get fired or not and do it away from UDF so that I can't get in trouble before I work again if I don't.

Ego says if I get fired pull all of his bullshit out and take him down with me. If I get fired b/c he can't help but tattle then show him what a biological girl can do when she f*cking tattles. We are much better at it after all. And he earned it.

Super Ego says that I can't retaliate. He'll get fired in time. He is a shmuck and he'll get his in the end and doing anything to him would make me on his level. And I certainly don't want to be like Adam. I am better. And besides - Karma will get him.

Last night Ego was winning. Right now - Id. In the end it'll be Super Ego, but whatever. Thank Frued I am a psych major and can write my feelings out . . . *rolls eyes with own stupid joke*

Betty made the comment that there is no job in the world that you can sleep at and right then I thought (but didn't say) I can think of a few . . . Fireman, Armed Forces, Sleep-Testee, Trucker . . .

I do have to thank one person right now - my ex, Dusty. He gave me the CD taht I am listening to right now - Linkin Park and I have it blaring on dad's kick ass speakers. It's angry and loud and nicely mind-numbing - just what I needed.

I haven't written anything this long in a while. Gotta love assholes who make you rant . . .



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Tuesday, October 10, 2006

   *dies slowly*
I am so freaking bored!!!!!! All I want to do is SOMETHING! But I am broke and can't get ahold of anyone with a a car. I'd be happy going to t-chan's for the afternoon. Just not sitting here doing nothing at all. I can't stand just working and cmoing home. I think that last week did it to me. I can't stand to be doing nothing. Working five days staright was too much for me. And now I can't stand to be here very long w/o anything to do but study and homework.
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Monday, October 9, 2006

   more syrupy angels
I am a lot happier this mornng than I was last night. Imagine why . . . .

Well, Kara is sitting here telling me how Kev should really just copy and paste his entries on livejournal and how I should harrass him until he does. And I am sitting here considering to offer my services to fix it up for him so that it looks all spiffy. But that would would be up to him.

~Now for a nice little explination about yesterday's post~

.:Cast:.

Me - 21 yr old and living w/ my father now
Mom - Older than dirt and moving in with a friend (Marie)
Marie - Mom's closet friend and soemthig of a caretaker
Katie - My psycho younger sister (19 yrs old to clerify) who moved out of mom's house
T-chan - Kara on here or in other words The-Bestest-Best-Friend-In-The-World

Okay - I think that covers that part. Those are the people mentioned . . . And what other questions were asked . . .

I no longer live there, though I had to leave quite a lot of my things when I left due to space restrictions where I live now. But I am mourning the loss of all of those beautiful books. I had almost 200 books (counting those I do have more than 200 now) and now the majority are coverd in syrup. But I have my journals and everything that I can think of that means something to me. She also wrote all over the walls with the syrup stuff like: "Diana [me] is a fat bitch" and "Mom is not a Christian" and my favorite "Mom is not my mom". Katie has lost it. But she's gone now and I am not worried about any of it. I just hope that she either gets the help that she needs or that she gets locked up once and for all.

*shrugs*

Oh, and comments are planned to be made. Thank you everyone for not giving up on me b/c I have constraints.
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Sunday, October 8, 2006

   syrup and angels
I am so tired of Katie's petty bullshit. But at least she's gone now. But I have to wonder how long she'll actullay be gone this time.

Let's go back a little ways in time so that I can explain a little bit more. Marie called Dad's cell today and left a message saying that Katie had trashed the house. Well, he came home, told me, and we kinda were wondering what they meant by trashed the house, as you can trash a house many, many different ways. Mom called again at about 3ish this afternoon and handed the phone to Marie, because she's not feeling well and has a headache and all of that crap. Apparently Katie poured syrup all over everything. Even covered mom's clothes in it. Took a ton of mom's angel figurines and god only knows what she did with them.

Mom is going to move in with Marie now and salvage what she can from the house. All I asked them to get for me is my winter coat and my cap and gown. Everythign else that I really want is over at t-chan's or at home in a corner of the bedroom-livingroom-diningroom-kitchen.

I really hope this is the last chapter of all of this crap from Katie. I am ready to be done with it.
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Friday, October 6, 2006

   animal i have become
I am feeling guilty. I haven't read anything in weeks. Nothing at all. And I am hungry. I should take a shower and make some food.

OH! And I just remembered! I get paid on Friday. *does happy dance* B/c Monday is a holiday I get paid on Friday. I love that. I am so glad that I don't have to wait until Tuesday like at some places!!!
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