Thursday, October 23, 2003

Ok, I'm here to update my gurl Ashley, and inform you online peeps. (Forgive me for being stupid just now ;P)

A few months back, about the same time Rurouni Kenshin aired on CN, Ashley and I started a notebook together. In it I put my frustration with my relationship with my dad. Mainly, why he kept giving me a hard time about watching RK. You see, we come from a [too] strict Christian church, and Daddy was having problems with that "sinful" show. (As if WWE isn't) In that notebook, I called my dad a jerk and a jackass. Several times, all throughout that notebook. And after we got out of school, and Ashley moved to Swansboro, instead of burning that notebook, I kept it for its sentimental value (there was other stuff written in it too, not just "my dad's such a jackass")I also kept it in the open. (you don't have to tell me I'm stupid. I know I am) Well, for some reason, a a couple of months ago, right around the time MyOtaku was starting, (Notice how I relate events and dates. That says something about me. I'm not quite sure what though) My dad, for reasons still unknown to me, went into my room and got a hold of that notebook. (YIKES!) He has been very (very very very) angry ever since.

I never had a chance to apologize. "You never even apoligized to him?! You're an idiot!" Well, it's a liitle more complicated than that. My dad has a wall around him that blocks communication. And because he was angry, that wall shot bricks at me every time I opened my mouth. I was afraid to. I was afraid he would just scoff at my apology and throw it back at my face. I hurt him deeply, but he was hurting me too. It's been years since he's hugged me or told me that he loved me. I needed some fatherly affection, not a bunch of "do's and don'ts" And his reaction to the whole mess was making me upset.

But I talked to and cried with my mom a little bit last night, and she told me to write him an apology letter and explain that I why I didn't apologize earlier. I explained a few other things, like the lack of trust in me. Now I'm just praying and hoping that my dad accepts the letter, instead of doing what I fear. I'm also afraid that when/if we discuss this, that he'll make me defend the points I brought in this letter. Saying, "I never really did that, how did I do that?" Or something like that. This wall of non-communication has also been a sort of security for me. Like, we won't discuss the problem, we'll just ignore it and pretend it went away. Because it's too painful or too much work to actually try to fix it. Unhealthy for the relationship, but something I've grown to depend on.

I just don't know what's going to happen when I get home today. I'm so worried about it. But I don't think things can get any worse, so what the hell. I've got nothing to lose in writing that letter. If he hurts me by throwing it back at me, it'll just be more of the same hurt I've been feeling for a while now. Only ten times worse. :/ Pray for me. Or at least cross your fingers. And I hope this all makes sense. I'm not really in the mood to proofread it.

EDIT: Just some typos. But I don't think I got them all. Yeah, yeah. So what if I have to proofread everything I write? At least I don't look like a stupid person who doesn't know third grade english grammer.
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