Friday, December 1, 2006

pink, green, and unreadable
Went to the Dickens festival today. The orchestra had to perform. I play the viola, and so that our harmony part could be heard, they moved me and leah to the front by the microphone. There was this guy in the front row that made me so nervous. Every time I looked up from my music, his eyes were locked on mine and he wouldn't look away for anything. He was staring so hard I almost thought he was trying to push me off my chair with his mind. It was scary. Afterwards I grabbed my viola, my case, my music stand and Leah and ran behind the stage. He had just made me so nervous I wanted to hide. I didn't see him again, thank heavens.
Hehehe but on the way to the dickens festival, Leah and I had the whole bus singing so loud we were rocking it! lol it was great
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Wednesday, November 29, 2006

   Oneness, Twoness, Threeness..
So I wake up on the wrong side of the bed.. and you know what..? I really don't feel like writing about today, i just clicked on "add post" out of habit.. and now i'm too lazy to delete it all. I better go..

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Tuesday, November 28, 2006

   I didn't do it, I swear, it was an accident!
So yeah I'm at the college computer lab.. We decided not to go to school today. We got Leah's dad and my mom's permission. As soon as my sister gets out of her class we're gonna go hang out or something.. I am so happy though, I mean i really love school but to have a day off just makes it feel like something different. Blame it on the police. They came knocking on the door right as we were leaving this morning saying that someone had called them 5 times from our house. Patsy and I and gram were the only one s home, and gram was asleep still. They come in and their all questioning me, "you're sure you didn't call? you're sure nothings wrong now, you weren't having a fight with your sister or anything?" they questioned me forever before they left. So we were gonna be late for school anyway, and "Thats the kinda mood I'm in" by patty loveless came on the radio, then our faces lit up and we decided not to go to school. I'm usually the lil goody goody who does nothing wrong, so this is the first time I've played hooky, and it doesn't really count because i have my mom's permission. lol well i better get going loves
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Sunday, November 26, 2006

I was only gone for a day and a half but it seemed like so much longer. Thankfully, we didn't go up Thanksgiving day. We left friday morning, and got home last night, when i last posted.
Friday actually went okay. Got to my dad's house, went out to eat, drove around a while, came home and watched tv and then went to bed. I don't particularly like driving with my dad.. if he had a gun with him while driving, I wouldn't have any doubts that he'd use it. Really bad road rage. But anyhow, he took us out to eat at this mexican restuarant. I remember going there on my nieces 6th birthday. Anyhow, we ate and then he drove us around. I tuned out their talking so I could look at everything. How much it had changed. I hadn't realized how much I miss it all. The traffic, the lights at night, the people, the bigness. I just love it. If it weren't for my dad, I'd almost want to live there again. but anyhow. I've found that if you feel sorry for someone it's a lot more worthwhile than getting annoyed or mad at them. That worked only friday though. yesterday was.. yeah. I'm rather very much disgusted.

Okay, my dad used to have this dog named bo, but my dad left rat poison out for the mice and didn't clean it up. Bo ate it and died a few months ago. So my dad went and got a puppy to replace it. My dad only wants a dog for when he goes hunting anyway. I hate how he sees animals as material things and not as actual beings. Okay. You know shock collars? You're only supposed to leave them on the dog for ten hours at the most because it can damage the throat. My dad left it on that poor puppy for weeks. Plus, he's a growing dog, and it was on him wayyy to tight. Mom and I took the collar off of him and the prongs had dug right into his neck and it was a bloody mess. I held him down while mom washed and cleaned out where it had been. I felt so badly for him. My dad won't even take him to the vet to get him sewn up. The poor dog also has an abcess on his foot. Mom told him that he needs to take the poor thing to the vet. He replies with "Yeah, his dang foot, after fifteen minutes of running he's limping. Dang things of no use to me." I was so mad. He doesn't want to "waste money" by taking him to the vet he says. I am so ticked. Then mom made me hug him so that we could leave. I felt like yelling and punching him. Yet I hugged him anyhow. GRRR.


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I'M HOME!!!
Home home home home home! Home sweet home! I'm glad to be home.
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Thursday, November 23, 2006

   Funny, almost everyone on my friends list posted today. Isn't today a day that's supposed to be spent with family..? and half the population is online. lol love it.
So yeah. Sitting here drinking tea and playing acid factory. kind of odd..
I got my best friend annoyed at me again. She says that I'm being negative and complaining about my dad too much. The only time I even have brought him up is lately because I don't want to spend the rest of the break in Salt Lake with him. So I guess in some way I "bit her head off" and then she shot it back at me. I'm just so aggravated. I need her right now, but she's too busy being annoyed at me. Because I was stupid and opened my big mouth. That's why I usually stay quiet. whenever I open my mouth, i get myself into trouble. I shouldn't have been complaining.
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So yeah. I'm making homemade pumpkin pie. At twelve am. I so hope it turns out. I would wait until tomorrow, or should I say later today, but I forgot that mom has to use the oven for the turkey. I would just start it earlier, but we have to go to Salt Lake too. So yeah. That's why I'm making it in the middle of the night. I've been up since four this morning. ugh i want to sleep. As soon as it's out of the oven, I'm out.
What else.. hmm. Oh, I got bangs cut today. I think I like it. Everyone says that they're cute. But really, do they dare say otherwise?
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Wednesday, November 22, 2006

   Wrath of the turkeys
"Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often."
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Tuesday, November 21, 2006

So. Eeek I can only hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess of tiredness, disappointment, and just plain depressed moods. I feel so tired. I know it's part of the reason I've been so unreasonable and upset over things. Things I'd be upset over anyway that are worse now. I'm behind on sleep, though when I try to catch up I end up only with nightmares that awake me at aroung 1 am and won't let me rest until about a half an hour before I'm supposed to be waking up. Not cool. Usually I have pretty good control over my dreams, but nightmares are just a different story. With them, I can feel my mind moving faster and faster and I try to make it stop, leaving me only feeling powerless. And the nightmares in reality thinking about them are rather silly. Here's what it's like..

My trailer seems to grow and before I know it, I'm looking out my front window, but off of a deck. I'm looking down below. I'm two stories off the ground. On the grass in the front yard is a dark red car. A man is leaning up against it. I get a really scared feeling, and I find my mom. She tells me he's supposed to be there. That he's been there every night for a long time. Then I feel him, he's watching. He's trying to get in. He's learning everything about us, and i can't stop him. There are camera's throughout my house. I see them, I can't touch them, can't get rid of them. I want to call the police. I know he's going to try to get me. My mom won't let me call. I try anyhow. I can't seem to make the call go through. I climb onto my bed, the top bunk, and try to sleep. But there is a camera on my ceiling. I hit it, beat it. It is not damaged. I can't hide from it. I hide under my covers, but it sees through. No matter what I do, I can't get away from it. He sees me trying to get away, to bury myself in the covers. He's laughing. I see him at the window of which I was looking out of at first. I see him looking through at me. I feel the camera, seemingly burrowing to my very core.

I wake up so terrified I can't even move. I just lie there. I want to run and climb in bed with my sister. I want to get up and turn on every light in the house and hide in the cushions of the couch. Anything but lie there. But then it feels like he's in the room. Then there's three of him standing there. Then he seems to be everywhere in the house. Too numerous to count. I try to calm myself down. I want to reach for my ipod. for music, for anything. But I'm just too afraid to move.
So that's what I can't seem to get rid of. I don't have the whole dream every night, but I feel as if that camera is there. Watching me. And oh my gosh I hate it. I know it's nonsense but in the middle of the night, there's no convincing me of it.
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Friday, November 17, 2006

   smile and cry
Today was really odd. Okay, I wake up with this pounding headache. I can't see straight, my eyes hurt, my jaw hurt, my skull felt like it was falling apart or something. So I got up and took a couple of excedrin, realizing after I had taken them that they had expired last month. It did ease my headache a little, anyhow. So I'm in the car with Leah and she's got a monster, so we go back and forth, each drinking a gulp, until she says she doesn't want anymore. So I finished it off. We get to school. I'm in first period, biology. Suddenly I am wide awake, singing, and can't hold still for the life of me. Then to Seminary, we got to string christmas lights all over the place, and I was so hyper and jumpy. Same in third, math. Couldn't hold still. THe typical quiet me left, and I talked everyone's ear off. Then history, where I got really mad because it was totally unfair. I don't even want to talk about it, it makes me so mad. Okay, but then we got to go to play at the jubilee of trees, so we missed 5th, 6th and 7th period to go play. Things were going pretty good, then right before we were about to go back to the school, I started getting tired and then suddenly jumping out of my skin hyper inside, then tired again. Then Leah got annoyed for some odd reason, and so we were takling and all, but it was awkward the entire way home.. I don't know what happened, but right after we dropped her house.. I just couldn't stop crying. I told mom and patsy I was really tired, which I was, and layed down for an hour and a half.. and cried. I don't know why, I guess just letting go of everything from this week. It felt good, but it just bothers me that I can't pinpoint why. I don't konw. My headache's come back.
Well. I better go.
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