Thursday, November 8, 2007

Well.. I am sad today. I have my reasons mostly, so it's not just me being silly like usual. Things are better now than earlier though. Going to dance helped. I'm starting to enjoy it and it makes me feel good.
But what I was upset about.. besides mom telling me I look like crap continuously and Patsy making it her personal goal to ruin all the fun I ever get, it's the fact that the stupid people want to put me on medication. It's completely rediculous. I am not depressed that much and for crying out loud if I wanted to kill myself I would have done it years ago, don't you think? I have never wanted that. People are pretty stupid sometimes. Anyhow, things will be sorted out, I won't let them put me on anything. Well I gotta get to class.
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Sunday, November 4, 2007

Today feels good. Gloomy, but sweet and leaves a nice flavor in my mouth.
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Thursday, October 25, 2007

Ah, well, I'm finally feeling a bit better. Mom let me go to school today. I still ache and my throat is a little sore but other than that I feel good.
I dunno, I'm happy. I mean right now, besides the mono, nothing is really going wrong. I mean there's the usual.. but.. mom isn't angry with me, Patsy hasn't yelled at me in a couple of days, I missed a zillion days of school and somehow managed not to have any homework tonight; just that sort of thing. In that respect, I'm happy. But I'm slightly discontent still. I want a change. I keep thinking on how I want to go somewhere, do something, get away from everyone that have been bothering me so badly. But then really looking at it, it wouldn't do me any good. I would still have to come back. I think the only change I need is a change in myself, if you know what I mean. I know being happy is all inside of me, and it shouldn't depend on others or my freedom. I just don't really think I like myself. I want to though. I want to look in the mirror and be happy with me. I just don't know how. I read a book a while back called The Bean Trees. It was really good. In it, the main character is confident in herself. As a point, it talked about a shirt she owned, it was bright turquoise with red letters that said, "Damn I'm good."

I want one of those shirts.

I want to be able to say that about me. Is that wrong of me? That I almost want to be that kind of confident or does that step into vanity? I want to like me but every time I look at myself all I can think is who would like me? I know I have lots of friends that love me and I know everything about how its personality that matters and all that, but I just don't feel like I have the right to like myself for some reason and I hate it. I don't know, here I am being silly but I keep seeing these people who love themselves and love life that much and wonder what I missed.
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Saturday, October 20, 2007

And the gods of immunity frowned upon me
So.. I've been sick for two weeks. Been to the doctor numerous times, nothing they gave me seemed to help. So I went back in today. I have mono:(

Ugh.
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Friday, October 12, 2007

Gah... Birdie is sicky.
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Friday, October 5, 2007

Today, I will tell you a story. I don't feel like talking about the particulars of my life, So.. here's this :)

It was a slightly-overcast day in early October. A very warm day for that time of year, peaking at 83 degrees - but what else is to be expected in a desert? In spite of the temperature, a cool wind blew, causing the day to feel as if you had sweated through work all day and then on your way home, it rained. The clouds did not threaten precipitation, though the whole town prayed for it. Just as it would seem god had answered the call, those who were outside watched the heavy clouds in the far distance tip and pour their contents as they soared over the mountains, coming nearer and nearer to their little nook in the valley. But, just like a helicopter pouring buckets of water onto a roaring fire, the clouds did not hold enough to make it to their needed and much wanted destination. The dark grey sky turned to white and the river overflowed. A quiet girl watched the scene. She crossed the church parking lot as the wind pulled her forward, the wind shooting her recently cut, choppy hair in every direction. Drinking a ginger ale, she sat onto the concrete podium by the flag pole and let her head tip back as the sand swirled around her.
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Thursday, September 27, 2007

It's been a little while, hasn't it? I've had a lot going on. School has been crazy. It's like I leave for school and then suddenly what seems like years later all compacted into an instant, I'm walking through Leah's front door with a planner full of assignments and a flash drive that won't even hold anymore files because of how many I've got on it. Symphony has been great, besides the fact that my stand partner drives me crazy, and my night classes are good. I practice viola whenever I can but it's hard to find more that an hour a day, if that, a lot of the time.
So I have to finish a rough draft tonight before class, just wanted to drop a post in seeing as it had been a while. Like I said, maybe by October.. well, late october.. I'll have more time to get around to posting daily again. I miss that.
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Friday, September 14, 2007

life
Time:6:24
Mood: tired, happy, angry,sad.. just everything. Lovely mood swings.
Song: You Lie - Reba McEntire
Something I learned today: That I LOVE strawberry bubble tea^^

Well, I'm home again. Thank heavens it's Friday. I really love school and staying in St. George but I'm a little sick of some people at the moment and it feels good to not have homework (first week end EVEr without homework) and to know I can sleep in tomorrow. I'm gonna miss Leah over the week-end though, she's been so sweet lately. Well, she's always been a sweetheart, to me at least, but now she's changed again. She's not as.. haughty as she used to be. I don't know, can't explain it, but she's been the greatest this last month. Anyway, off the Leah tangent, so today felt really long. We have block schedule at my school, but on Fridays we have all 8 classes (30 minutes each) so that we can let out earlier.. but it still feels so much longer. It was nice when the final bell came and I got to burst out of the dance studio and out of those tap shoes and skip across the sidewalk in my bare feet. It was nice except for the blisters.. Leah and I hiked to school this morning. I guess you'd really have to know where Tuacahn is to fully understand how hard that walk was.
I also had lessons today. I love the viola! Hehe, Vicki too. She is amazing. She's always so patient with me lol.
But you guys have heard all this. I always talk about the same crap, school and viola. But that's sadly all my life really is. Good enough for me.

So, Mom decided to have dinner all ready for us when we got home today. Fried chicken, mashed potatoes and gravy. I was so excited to eat it that I scooped up a spoonful of potatoes with lots of gravy and scalded the top of my mouth. The top! I always end up doing it to my tongue.. but the top hurts so badly, especially with my retainer. Ouch.
So, I doubt anyone even reads these. It's kind of sad that I even bother writing. I guess I post for the sake of posting. For those of you who did actually read all that.. thanks :)

Well, I'll leave you with this.. the quote that's in the beginning of my favourite book.

"There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the cost of great pain...or so says the legend."



Oh.. and guess what??? I made it into Zion Youth Symphony Orchestra!!! I'm so happy!!!
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Saturday, September 8, 2007

Time: 2:41
Mood: Eh, hungry, lazy.
Song: Unbelievably, none right now.
Something I learned today: I don't suck at viola anymore! Well, not as bad anyway. Vicki recorded me playing on her big ole stereo system, and I was so suprised. Of course I was a little out of tune in some places but it actually sounded good.

I'm really tired today for some reason. I slept, but I couldn't sleep in like I wanted to. I just couldn't get back to sleep. But oh well. I just wish I weren't tired because when I'm like this, I don't feel like doing anything, and I have wayyy too much to do this weekend to feel like this.

My mood is a hangover of everything that happened yesterday. One of my best friends and I had our first fight after having being friends for two years. It was all my fault, but she reacted so much bigger than the stupid thing I did deserved. It had to have been build up of either things she's wanted to say to me for a while or else she was throwing on me what someone else gave her. I guess it was my fault still though. What bugs me is that it was so stupid.

But anyway, school has been pretty good besides yesterday. I've still been way busy. By october I'll have a lot more time to get on more because things will have died down a bit. I hope at least.
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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Oh if only music were a tangible friend
Sorry I've been such a lazy commentor, I do get on occasionally still as much as I can. It's just even when I do post and even if I do comment for you guys I usually don't get too great a response. But whatever, it's like you kinda wish people cared more about you rather than just feeling obligated to comment back. But either way, thank you to those of you who are still nice to me even though I haven't been too consistant.
I would say more about how life has been and all but it has pretty much just consisted of school and viola so it wouldn't be too interesting to listen to.
Well everyone have a good night.
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