Saturday, November 17, 2007

“But remember now, everybody. You are fighting for the truth, and that’s why you’re alone. And that makes you strong—we’re the strongest people in the world.. And the strong must learn to be lonely.”
-Dr. Stockmann, An Enemy of The People


Something tells me that life is not going to go back to normal. Last school year was crazy, hectic, and I was busy as a dung beetle-- but I still had time. Classes were so nice. They weren't too easy, not too hard. Life at home was the same as it always has been, stressed and complicated. Gramma was still alive then. I still made her breakfast every morning and read to her and cleaned or talked to her at night. Stay up with her in that cold dark room if she wanted me too. I remember how I hated it a lot of the time. She was ornery and I was busy being a teenager. Mom and Patsy were always on edge and upset, and Jeff was Jeff. I thought it was so horrible then. I couldn't take the anger and the fighting that everyone created and spent as much time as I could at Leah's. Her house became my sanctuary. I miss last year.
But then Gram died. I never realized how she held us together. All of those things we were supposed to do together- go on vacation, buy a house, be a family. Never happened. We're still here where we were. Worse than before. No one can get along. When your income lowers, I've decided, people automatically seem to fight and be so stupidly angry and upset. Mom is out with Jeff always, even though all he does is break her down. When I am gone she always calls me, wants to know where I am, what I'm doing, everything. And then I come home and I don't exist. Patsy is different too. So angry. I don't even know her. And even when she is bubbly with me, she will turn around and complain at mom, at anyone.
School is harder for me. Added on two extra classes. With so much homework and practicing viola and life.. time isn't even here. I'm struggling so hard to keep my A's. I won't settle for less.

Mom and Jeff had a huge fight today. I listened to them fight, then watched it from the window. I'm always so scared he is going to hit her, or something. He never has but he seems so violent inside himself. It scares me. Anyhow, he started loading up his things in the truck. For a moment there I was so happy. Awestruck. He was leaving. But Mom knows how reckless he is. Especially when he is angry. She wouldn't let him leave, worried about the other people on the road. Victims of his anger? I don't know what happened after that. Mom came in late and Jeff a little later. I made dinner for everyone. Mom wore her sunglasses and plastered on a smile. She must not realize that it's not just her eyes that get red when she cries. Jeff acted so casual and suave I wanted to bop him one. But I didn't. I just let them pretend everything was alright. After dinner I asked Mom what had happened, what was going on. She wouldn't say, pretended like nothing had even happened, and left. I don't know why she just wouldn't tell me.
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