Tuesday, November 21, 2006

So. Eeek I can only hope tomorrow is a better day. Today was a mess of tiredness, disappointment, and just plain depressed moods. I feel so tired. I know it's part of the reason I've been so unreasonable and upset over things. Things I'd be upset over anyway that are worse now. I'm behind on sleep, though when I try to catch up I end up only with nightmares that awake me at aroung 1 am and won't let me rest until about a half an hour before I'm supposed to be waking up. Not cool. Usually I have pretty good control over my dreams, but nightmares are just a different story. With them, I can feel my mind moving faster and faster and I try to make it stop, leaving me only feeling powerless. And the nightmares in reality thinking about them are rather silly. Here's what it's like..

My trailer seems to grow and before I know it, I'm looking out my front window, but off of a deck. I'm looking down below. I'm two stories off the ground. On the grass in the front yard is a dark red car. A man is leaning up against it. I get a really scared feeling, and I find my mom. She tells me he's supposed to be there. That he's been there every night for a long time. Then I feel him, he's watching. He's trying to get in. He's learning everything about us, and i can't stop him. There are camera's throughout my house. I see them, I can't touch them, can't get rid of them. I want to call the police. I know he's going to try to get me. My mom won't let me call. I try anyhow. I can't seem to make the call go through. I climb onto my bed, the top bunk, and try to sleep. But there is a camera on my ceiling. I hit it, beat it. It is not damaged. I can't hide from it. I hide under my covers, but it sees through. No matter what I do, I can't get away from it. He sees me trying to get away, to bury myself in the covers. He's laughing. I see him at the window of which I was looking out of at first. I see him looking through at me. I feel the camera, seemingly burrowing to my very core.

I wake up so terrified I can't even move. I just lie there. I want to run and climb in bed with my sister. I want to get up and turn on every light in the house and hide in the cushions of the couch. Anything but lie there. But then it feels like he's in the room. Then there's three of him standing there. Then he seems to be everywhere in the house. Too numerous to count. I try to calm myself down. I want to reach for my ipod. for music, for anything. But I'm just too afraid to move.
So that's what I can't seem to get rid of. I don't have the whole dream every night, but I feel as if that camera is there. Watching me. And oh my gosh I hate it. I know it's nonsense but in the middle of the night, there's no convincing me of it.
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