Tuesday, March 22, 2005

All's Not Fair in Love & War
And so I return from Washington D.C. with greater wisdom and a full heart. Yes, back in December, a woman by the name of Kellie made a sudden impact in my life. I had known her briefly for the passed year and a half, but something finally clicked in my mind. I felt deep warmth, an inner peace even greater than that of when I climb into a cardboard box (MGS reference, for those that don’t get it). In her presence, I feel alive, as though I’m walking into the coldest of weather in my casual attire. Of course, I’ve always been too much of a pansy to do anything near her, let alone any other girls. Now that I think about it, never in my memory have I stared her directly in the eyes, always pathetically looking downward or to the side. Hell, I did not find out her eye color until she brought it up in a conversation on the bus ride up. But every quote unquote love story has its difficulties. This is where the Nerd Herd comes into play – a group of seven social inepts that have dedicated their existences (or at least their eighth-grade lives) to following the girl in question everywhere she goes. That’s the main reason I gave up before ever trying – I didn’t want to make her life any more complicated than it already was, and the last thing I wanted was to have such a label. However, I did a horrible job ignoring my feelings. On the bus ride up, I couldn’t help but smile whenever I looked back and saw her peacefully sleeping. That’s when I found myself asking her to listen to Billy Joel’s “She Got a Way” in the middle of Union Station, explaining everything I feel in her presence. She replied that it was the greatest thing anyone had ever done for her, but she just wasn’t ready (she had strong feelings for my best friend, Reid, but he didn’t feel the same way for her). All that mattered, though, was that I got the message through, that she knows I care. She also spoke of something that I completely agree with – any form of relationship is impossible with the constant gossiping of the likes of Jennifer and company. Nonetheless, I spent the rest of my day the happiest man on the world. Sadly, that is only the beginning. The females in our class are beginning to make a game out of our lives, picking sides on whom Kellie will choose in the end. There’s Giovanno, a really nice guy that is rarely seen anywhere other than Kellie’s side; Adam, a “unique” guy of sorts, who I’ve never been able to hold out an intelligent conversation with; and, well, myself. Jennifer reassures me that she’s on my side and I should have no problems once Gio goes back to Europe in a few months, but to me it’s not about rivalry. We are all good friends, and the girls haven’t the right to be playing with our lives like some sadistic cockfight mixed with a shoujo manga. I definitely don’t want any broken hearts to come forth from this, but sadly, I can’t fight that. It has always been my cruel curse to bring pain and confusion to the ones I love, I suppose. If anything happens, I don’t want Kellie’s heart to be broken, let it be by the girls, the guys, or just my inability to back down. I’ve always been very pacifistic, but I know that mental pain can be worse than burning in a limitless flame for all eternity. Kellie, if you are by any chance reading this, I want to tell you that I’m sorry for everything. My feelings for you go far beyond those any man I know can feel… you mean everything to me, from my talents to my spirit… but I just can’t let myself break your heart…

- Lance
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