Monday, April 26, 2004

   depressed day of April 26 2004
Last night i had a fight with my ex-bf,then i dreamt this horribly vivid dream of him committing suicide,besides that an older person i once like ssaid alas but 8th grade and 6th shouldn't mix, i was really sad and now(even though it's a long way later) he asked my best friend out and i think is even beginning to love her. i know that's great but it doesn't do much for my self-esteem. Now i'm confused. When ur with sumone ur supose to feel that certain connection, that certain feeling of security, the feeling of happiness and that no matter how bad things get it doesn't matter because you're with that person and somehow just berring with them will make everything ok. I can't seem to feel that with anyone and i haven't for a long time now. After all my mistakes and all the horrible things i do i have no comfort which caused my addiction. After my best friend found out i had to stop and now i am left with nothing once again.
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Monday, April 12, 2004

   April 12th 1:48 AM
i'm not in a good mood now. . . .i guess i'm kind of jealous of everyone else well more like my best friend i didn't get anything for christmas. . .my birthday. . .. easter. .. . my family is falling apart and now it feels like i just lost my sercuity object in life the one thing that no matter how bad things get remind u that things will eventually be ok and that u just have to keep living even though u might not see the point and now it feels like i lost that and iam confused and don't no what to do*sigh* and now he is depressed i don't want him to be but he is what do i do?

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April 12th what the hell is going on O.o
i am going crazy or at least it seems like it and no one except for like 1 person beleives me my best friend didn't beleive me for a long time that pissed me off because it's like i have a split personality now and the other nikole is on my old account for msn and it's telling me thr truth behind all my denials behind everything i didn't want to hear it's really starting to scare me now and i don't no what to do and my other self is always with me now argh it tells me stuff late into the night it's really bugging me it's saying that i am just hiding from the truth and i should stick up for myself that i'm just in denial. . . . .it's really freaking me out
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Sunday, April 11, 2004

April 10th,2004 oh joy another pointless day
it's spring break. . . .i turned 12 wooohooo yipee(sarcasm) another bad b-day and spring break but oh well use to it screwed things up again but whattya no guess that is just what i do. . . u know i always seem to find a way to screw up things with the one person who seems to care. . . the one person who loves me. . .the one person who acutally means sumthing. . . and tonight at the movies(Hellboy) i thought i'd just see that person get away right before my eyes and for sum reason i knew he did but it didn't hurt as much as it does i guess i am just use to it now. . .
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