Tuesday, April 11, 2006

   The Worst Person Alive -points to self-
I hate me. I really do. I am scum. That one person that I love sooo much comes up to me and hands me a note. I ask if they're okay, they really look upset. They shake their head and walk off and I shrug and go on to class. Said person and I recently broke up, well, said person actually just started dating someone else without even telling me... Anyhow, I know they're sorry, they've apologized and cried for it quite a bit. I take the note in and read it. After reading it i'm in tears. Said person says how since all this shit went down they already couldn't sleep but now they can't eat either because of the depression all this shit caused. Apparently I was subconsciously blowing the person off and it really hurt them. And at the dance after Derrick tried to kiss me said person pulled me aside and was like, why didn't you kiss him. I just looked back and was like, I'm a bad kisser remember, cause it seemed to me after we kissed for the first time they left me. And they were like, no it wasn't your fault, it was mine, i'm fucked up and didn't want to fuck you up too, and I just looked at them and was like, Well you know what you really did fuck me up and it hurt. and I said some other things i don't remember but i guess they were really mean. In a later note said person said they just wanted to go home and cry because of it. And I feel SO BAD! Said person is treated like shit by everybody and I'd always be comforting and be like, man, I hope I never cause you pain like everyone else does. And then it ends up I've caused this person more pain than anyone else. I never wanted to hurt this person. I really love this person. With all of my heart.

Comments (0) | Permalink

Sunday, April 9, 2006

   -sigh-
I am so... RANDOM today! I really am! And hyper...V. hyper! Idk why... Didn't do much of anything today. Woke up, watched a little bit of tv, went outside to bug my parents about what we're doing today. Went upstairs to straighten my room up. Decided I AM going to take more initiative in my appearance and image. I have no image. I need to look up ways to do my hair more creatively and wear better clothes that are more me and just over all try and embrace myself. Same thing with my bedroom. The girl who lived in my room before we bought the house had jaguar border and shit and I can't stand it! I've tried to use posters to cover them, but the attempt failed miserably. But I bought a Metal mag and there's tons of great pics of my fave bands. All of 'em except Evanescence and HIM, but I already have a great Amy Lee poster and I can always find pics/posters of Ville so that can wait. But yea, I'll use the bands to cover the fucking jags.
So yea, then we went to Amish country and I took pics of some calves and goat kids. Then we went to an auctionbarn in sugarcreek and I took some pics of the abused and neglected animals there. I'm going to send them to PETA and/or the newspaper. Maybe something can be done aobut the poor animals that are sent there. We saw a cow lying outside by herself. We think her leg was broken so they just left her there. We approached and she lowed but wouldn't get up. They'll probably just leave her there to die. Stupid Amish. I hate 'em!
Yea, the rest of my day is kinda boring as of now. I still have no one to talk to online. damn it all. -insert lonely sigh here-

Comments (1) | Permalink

Saturday, April 8, 2006

   So Confused...
Well, I acquired a boyfriend at said dance... Those of you reading this are probably thinking, yay, maybe now she'll shut the hell up about her solitude. Well, hate to rain on your parade... but I'm not happy. It's sad cause he's amazingly polite and gentlemanly, which is something I rather like, but something's missing... I think I may have upset him when after a slow dance he tried to kiss me. I don't know what it was but something inside wouldn't let him. It was almost as if someone else reached out and turned my face away from his. I then had my friends all telling me, go ahead and kiss him. But how can I kiss him, when the one person I really do care about is right there next to me, perfectly content with someone else. I'm just torturing myself by trying to be happy... trying to date someone isn't a good idea for me... I really should end it quickly. But Kat suggested I try it for at least a week. And Kat's advice is always trustworthy. So I'll give it a shot... I hope this isn't a mistake.



Comments (0) | Permalink

Thursday, April 6, 2006

   Whispering...
I am sooo lost. Just in everything. My day was so terrible today. I didn't get to eat cause these stupid little bitches ditched me in the lunch line and after 20 minutes of waiting I finally got up there and they ran out of food. T.T Before that Kat came in late and I ran into her in the hallway and I wore quite a preppy outfit today which is kind of odd for me. So people were staring all morning, but when I mentioned something to Kat she was all, They weren't staring at your clothes, they're staring at You! I was thinking, wow that helped my already suffering self esteem. -sulk- So that just started everything off badly. I'm supposed to try out for choir next week. I'm so nervous and I doubt I'll make it. We have to sing the scale and My Country 'Tis of Thee. I barely know that song! And I doubt I could sing it. I'm only good at Evanescence! And I can't sing the scale! AAHH O.O
I'm kinda hyper now though, even though all day I was pretty dead. I'm just so eager to find somebody to talk to. I'm tired of being so damn lonely! Someone talk to me goddamn it! grrrr. So yea. MORP dance tomorrow. That should be fun. I can be solitary whilst surrounded by couples fondling one another. Sounds like any other typical school function through my eyes. Oh well. Maybe I'll hook up with someone there... but I kinda doubt it.

Comments (0) | Permalink

Tuesday, April 4, 2006

Sorry it's been quite a few days. I am so bored on this damn internet. No one to fucking talk to! -bangs head on desk- I only have two people on my buddy list, one of which I don't speak to and the other is never on. -sulk-
But yes, lately I've spent my spare time at school writing in a "journal" like thing. I have no idea the purpose of it. Just keeps my mind off of everything. Like how I'm a social outcast, can't talk to people or strike conversations. Any little imperfection of mine is completely and utterly exploited in the pages of that little book for no one to ever see. So what's the point? No idea.
Might be getting a ferret. I really hope so. I can come home and forget about my day at school and play with Buehler the Ferret. I am so utterly pathetic. -insert sigh here-



Someone talk to me!


Comments (0) | Permalink

Friday, March 31, 2006

First

My day was interesting today for once. The first day I wasn't totally depressed all week. If it weren't for some people...grr. Hell, if I didn't have Kat I think I would lose my mind. She makes everything so much better. Surprisingly for April Fool's Day Eve there was only one prank at school today. My friends Christina and Liz said they were dating. -sigh- the memories. haha. So I merely watched the looks of shock spread amongst the guys' faces at our lunch table. I only hope no bad comes from this. I'd hate to have to use my mad knife skills on anyone. -sigh-
I need someone, anyone. I'm tired of being the third wheel with all of my friends. So tired and so sick. All of my friends save Shelby are paired off. Afterschool sucks sometimes because when we walk I'm always the odd one out. Hell, I'd settle for just about anyone right now. But oh well. Love is the slowest form of suicide, maybe I'm better off without it for now. All done here folks. -insert tear here-

Comments (0) | Permalink

   Into
Hello all. First post...yay? I'll let you decide. I'm mostly on here for two reasons. 1: to meet someone I can talk to on this damned computer. My friends all talk and talk and talk, I have no one to talk to on here cause they are all on at hours that just don't work for me. Not to mention one gets tired of friends. Friends like mine. Kat and Kevin are so great, as is Shelby, but others tend to irritate me. I wanna shmack em! (Yes I know Smack is spelled wrong and I like it that way!)
So yea. Anyone out there jsut wants to chat message me here and IM me! DarlingToykoRose -hint hint nudge nudge-
I used to be on Xanga, but well, let's just say that is no more. So now I just hide in my room and particpate in my dreaded addiction. I am severely addicted to music. Can't get enough of the stuff. I'm a junkie. Fave bands are KoRn, A Perfect Circle and Evanescence. I also like Cradle of Filth, Marilyn Manson, HIM, Staind, System of a Down and bunches and bunches of others.
I watch some tv, not too much though. Mostly just American Idol, Degrassi, LOST, Mind of Mencia, and sometimes The Simple Life. Paris and Nikki are so much fun to watch and laugh at. XD
I also LOVE internet icons. They make me oh so very happy and keep me so entertained. I shall leave the intro at this for now. -insert cheer here-

Comments (0) | Permalink