Monday, May 29, 2006

   Apology accepted
well, it was, and its all good now ^^
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aftermath
"Aaron is just my friend who i havent talked to in for ever..."-Jamie to tessa on phone



Well...

WHEN IM ON MY DAMNED KNEES BEGGING HIM TO ACCEPT MY APOLOGY, AND I AM A FUCKIGN WATERWORKS OF RAGE AND GUILT

He cant look at the flashing window, click, and type two simple words:

Apology Accepted



Tessa-When hes sitting there in the middle of talking to a friend he hasent talked to in two years maybe he just wants to talk to him

tessa-And maybe theres the fact that they were together when Aaron had to leave

me- but instead of telling me about how him and Aaron were grabbing at eachother and such, he could have told me that he was busy talking to a REALLY close friend ???

My God...





someone...just kill me now (and thsi post is linked to teh oen below, read it to get a bit of clarification....)

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WARNING< NEXT TWO POSTS CONTAIN FOUL LANGUAGE
these are forwarded from my Xanga

Bitchbitchassfuckdamn
Jamie..well....a guy...a very special one, that im with...because tessa allows...IS FUCKIGN CHEATING ON ME!!!!!!!!



He's talking about this aaron guy... then shows me a convo where him and aaron are flirting..openly..

Sage: I'll just go, you obviously are too busy for me
Jamie: Too busy with Aaron right now yes ^^



HES FUCKING CHEATING ON ME!!!HE SAID HE LOVED ME DAMMIT!!! I GAVE HIM MY HEART SOUL MIND BODY AND EVERYTHING I HAVE!!! I actually PRAYED for him while he was in his DAMNED CHEMOTHERAPY I dont get down on my hands and knees and BEG whatever the FUCK is up there for jsut ANYONE!!!! My GOD!!!! There are SO many things i would do right now to have my blades with me..and just to let them sink into my skin and let everything just bleed out of me..literally. I just don't know anymore....Watch it turn out to be just a friend...or watch it turn out that the guy was being pushy...or something..I dont fucking know...God, things are bad enough. Mom sawed my door in half and is walking in my room every chance she gets just to watch what im doing. if i stay in the damned BATHROOM for too long shes knocking to make sure i havent cut my damned arm open, but right now im about to!!!!!!! Anyone here that would kill me if i came to them on my knees with a gun/blade, please, make yourselves known. I may need you...

w/
Sage

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Sunday, May 28, 2006

Wooshagain
Well, not much really, farm time actually helped, I think I might get to meet up with my buds from band camp. Ive known them since last year, and we're really close, maybe mom will trust them to watch me as she insists on doing., I'm playing around with colors in pics, so I'm having fun.


and now im getting to where if soemone send me a pic (art or photo) Ill color and solarize it if specified, nothing in payment. Well, off to bed with me now. Night
Sage
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Friday, May 26, 2006

   ..violated..
Thats pretty much it..Violated. Would you believe that the only way i can see how my mother really thinks about me is by reading paperwork? She has this little packet of things to send to the shrink, all about mental disorders she thinks i might have, problems i have. Well, according to her, I'm more than your generic fuck up. Lets see, I;ll type up all the supposed problems and the estimated time they started.

Anger Management,moderate, 6mon.
Attachment issues,mod, 6mon.
Childhood trauma, signifigant, over 24 months
Depression, signifigant, 6mon
Divorce adjustment,extreme,over 24mon.
Eating disorder,mod.6mon
Family conflict,signifigant, over 24
Fire setting, moderate, 6mon
Low self-esteem, extreme, over 24 months
Lying/manipulative,sig,6months
Defiant,sig. 6months
Physical abuse, extreme, 6mon
relationship problems,signifigant, 6months
school related problems, sig.6months
Sexual confusion, extreme, 6months
Social discomfort, moderate, 6months
Spiritual confusion, extreme, over 24 motnsh
Suicidal thoughts/attempts, moderate, 6months

Some of these are overdramataized, and some of them arent. These were taken from an enormous checklist, an entire page in REALLY small font. 41 items to choose from, 18 selected.Wow. thats around 43%, wow..Is this really what she thinks of me? Wow, again,, just wow. Well, I'm off now. Burying my blades today, what fun. I've decieded that burying them will mean that next time i want to do this, ill have time to think, do i really want to do this (the time it takes to dig them up)


Sage
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Thursday, May 25, 2006

...crash...
Well, I cracked again...Bad... http://i4.tinypic.com/10hooqx.jpg...look if you will....I;m getting sent back to the shrink. I'm being put on meds for idk what. Mom chopped the door in half, not allowed to go anywhere...feel like hell...I..just dont know anymore...Tessa cut again...Its my fault... I tapped a tendon..limited movement.. but..anyway..not your problems..dont worry..
Sage
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Monday, May 22, 2006

Woosh!
Testing ends tomorrow, it doenst seem like too much of a biggie, I'm not very confident in math, but I think I did okay.. Jamie and Tessa are doing great. As I said I'm becoming more open about being bi, I feel more comfortable doing it.
Well, not much else really going on.
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Sunday, May 21, 2006

   The Msn Convo
Ok, well Ill put an S beofre what i say and a J before was he says, now bear witness to the teeth rotting sweetnus:
J:http://www.plyrics.com/lyrics/hawthorneheights/decembers.html
J:Just make the girl guy..
S:i will
S: aww
S: *just barely started reading* thats so sweet, im really happy for you and him
J:Noo.
J: I sent the lyircs to you
J: Think about that..
S: oh...
S: thats...so..*tries not to cry*
S: thats so sweet Jamie
S:*cautiously hugs you*
J: I wanted you to pay attention to one line
S: which was?
J:You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
J: *Points to self, then to you*
S:*hides face awkwardly*
J: you mean..you know then..
S: you mean you know i still...have...slight..feelings for you..
J: Not what I meant..no..
S: oh..
S: well *feels idiotic* now you do
J: Ive known..
J: But just..
S:I..I'm sorry..I just..I cant understand right now..
J: You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love...
J:Exactly why I sent you those lyrics..
J: Do you understand yet?
S: I..I think so
S: I cant really word it..
J: I can..
J: I love you..
S:*heart skipped a beat*
S:I...I love you too....*trying really hard not to cry*
J: I dont think you get what I mean..
J:You know how tessa loves you, right?
S: ..Yes..
J: Like that..
S:*heart skips another*
S: I...I dont know what to say..
S:When you and Christian got together, I abandoned all hope of me and you
S: All hope of even really getting to know you as anything other than a distant friend
S:*breaks down and tears up*
J: *Hugs you*
S: *puts both arms around your neck and clings*
J: *Kisses your cheek* dont cry..
S: *small blush* I..*tries*
S: I just...I cant believe it.. I don't know why..
J: *Pushes nose agianst yours* Well believe..


*dabs at eyes* Good thing the eyelienr i was wearing was awaterproof, ne? Well...I know its just sickeningly sweet but i just cant believe it!! oh, heres the lyrics, not just the link :HAWTHORNE HEIGHTS LYRICS

"Decembers"

Let's try to remember these days back in December
Our lives were very different
I was lonely when we first met
A small upstairs apartment
Driving through the darkness to get back home
Before they knew you were even gone

You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat
Fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last

I miss you so much, a self-inflicted coma
The days drag on like marathons running with bare feet
And when I feel the stress, I'm lonely and depressed
I picture you in the dress you wore four weeks ago

You don't have to speak because I can hear your heartbeat
Fluttering like butterflies searching for a drink
You don't have to cover up how you feel when you're in love
I'll always know I'm not enough to even make you think

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last
I know it hurts to feel so all alone
I'm by myself, more then you could know

If only they were all alone...
They were all alone...

Please, slow down, girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last
Slow down girl
We're moving way too fast for their world
We've gotta make this last

I know it hurts to feel so all alone
I'm by myself, more then you could know

If only they were all alone...
They were all alone...
They were all alone...
They were all alone...
I'm too lazy to replace girl, but you get what I mean...Well..anyway...laugh all you wish and rot your teeth more ^^
W/<3
Sage
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   JAMIEEEEEEEEEE
JAMIE SAID HE LOVES ME! TESSA AQPPROVED US BEING TOGETHER!!!!!!!!!!!! *happynus* well, not muc else

w/<3&luff
Sage
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Saturday, May 20, 2006

   Content
Well, exams coming up, but school is out soon. Decided to get tessa diff flowers, bi colored roses, a creamy color edged with a pastel pink. Theyre really pretty, not too pricey, and I have the feeling shell like them. Not really much else going on, other than peach and mango ice cream thingers and hyper music. Well, I cracked (cutting) awhile aog, four days, but i didnt yesterday and havent today, Im ashamed of the four days, but proud of the two that i havent. and Tessa does NOT know, nor does anyone else. I went to the pool iwth my cousin last night, and it was a gorgeous night. I so wish tessa was there, it could have been so romantic. Kim (cousin) and her bf goofed off, then for awhile they floted on their backs side by side...garr im jelous of her, finding someone around here that actually cares and loves her.. I'm starting to come out more with being bi, letting more people just figure out for themselves, but keeping it on the down low around certain people i know as homophobes. I'm starting to realize hwo good the band Panic at the Disco is, their lyrics and song titles are very strange, and give you things to think about. Gar, dont you hate when people ask you questions about your relationship then say "awwww". That jsut annoys me, people see me typing a pm to her or something and they'll be al "so is it pre love, or already there" and when i explain teh we already have EVERYTHING planned theyre all "aww thats so swe...AAAH *gets foot stood on by large boot" but anywayyy *innocent smile* bwahaha... Im prolly going out again tonight, meaning eyeliner,meaning hilarity, meaning fun.
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